Yuletide

Merry Christmas everybody! I hope you got what you wanted and that you had a nice time with friends or family, had lots of food and sweets too, I betcha! I did! And when I worked out today, did BODYCOMBAT 34 for myself down in the gym, I thought everything was coming back up again... It was horrible. I decided to skip the conditioning track because of it. :P Haha! I am a very fit person but man, was that horrible... :D

Merry-go-round

Choices. Why do choices exist?

I don't know what I should do. I have thought about this and talked some more to Emelie about it (thanks again, honey pot <3) and I think I have to do something about it now. Like talk about it, to him. Tell him what I feel and man, it's so hard. I thought I was gonna cry when it sank into me that I really have to tell him. I'm about to cry now. God damn it! He is next to perfect so why does it have to be like this? He's loving, he's nice, he's cozy. But other than having a loving personality, there isn't much we have in common. He's like the complete opposite of me and I don't think I am able to suck it up.
The biggest issue I have is alcohol consumption - I've never been a fan of alcohol and I can accept if people like to drink, but if I am to be together with somebody I wouldn't like it if he went out every weekend and drank until he couldn't walk straight. Once or twice a month would be totally OK for me (I mean, for my partner), at a moderate amount of booze everytime. Not the teenyboppish "drink 'til you drop"-style. I have a really hard time accepting this, and I know it pisses many people off, friends included, and they think I am being silly, but I had a tough childhood that has led me onto this path and I can't help it. It is a big issue because many people like to drink so I am severely limited in my options.

Another issue that really shows how opposite we are in our life styles is that I love to workout and he mainly likes to just slack and having excess amounts of junk food. It means that lots of fat is gained and other unhealthy conditions have a big chance of striking. I just wouldn't be able to live with somebody who never ever workout and by workout I mean being active at least once a week for minimum one hour - I don't care what it is, be it jogging, skipping, BODYCOMBAT, BODYPUMP, weight training, a sport, treadmill, dancing or whatever! It's just how I am...

He has chosen his life style, I have chosen mine. We all have different goals, demands, priorities, whatnot in life. You just have to find someone with similar goals and style. Believe me, I don't want to leave him because he is so sweet and loving and it hurts me so much that the situation is like it is. Here comes the tears again...

Fuck life!!

Can we do this?

Good grief! Life is hard when it is complicated! I am completely torn between two things and it reduces me to confusion, sadness... I do not know what I should do. Part of me wants one thing, another part wants the other. I think the bigger part of me wants what would be the wisest choice but as soon as I start thinking of the negatives, it pushes away the positives at least for a while. It is not fair of me to even be in this situation when I deep inside know that I should just go for it!

But if I went for it and then planned ahead, then I think the issue at work would still be there and I would be both annoyed (due to one thing of the problem) and embarrassed, sad, I am not sure how to put it... And what I am asking for to solve this issue is not the nicest of things but it is for the better not only for me, it's just that it is a question of common sense or how to put it... Let us just say it is something you should NOT ask for.

I must send a big "thank you"-hug to Emelie who has been really supportive in this matter. Thank you! <3

Wiser

Oh, I just remembered... I have forgotten to give you an update on the sweets issues. As a matter of fact, I have reduced the amount of sugar and unnecessary candy going into my belly by a huge amount so now I guess my stomach is a bit happier. To be honest, eating a juicy pear is much more satisfying than having a chocolate bar. And salted, roasted soybeans are also totally awesome instead of buying snacks. The amount of fat gained is much less and more nutrition is gained and I do not want to get fat (I'm perfectly happy with my weight) and it is better for my body, ESPECIALLY considering I work-out a lot so my body needs more of that healthier stuff.

Also keeping McDonald's and pizza amounts low, a set rule: once or twice a month, if at all. The only times I have junk food is when I'm out shopping and since that does not happen all too frequently I do not think I have to worry about getting large amounts of junk food into me belly! I prefer chicken, rice and curry sauce = me happy boy. Some vegetables to that and I'll be preening. When I think about it, taking the time to cook something nice is more satisfactory because it tastes a lot better, it is healthier and it feels a lot better afterwards! I should become a cook, don't ya think?

I used to be the guy who sat in front of the computer all days long (I still do to a certain extent though :P) buying sweets and junk food almost everyday, never working out and it resulted in a not so attractive body, lots of spots, DEPRESSION... Once I started working out and had better food, my body toned to a nice shape, I lost some weight and I felt SO MUCH HAPPIER!

Everyone should heed my advice: Forget junk food, start working out (I don't mean it has to be hardcore, go out and jog two or three times a week for an hour or so each time is sufficient enough) and take the time to cook your own food with plenty of vegetables and nutrition, eat fruit instead of sweets... The results? You will feel MUCH better, lose weight, get a happier stomach and your skin will look better! In the beginning it will feel annoying to have to take the time to cook your food everyday, but once you get into the rhythm (takes maybe 2 weeks, the first 2 weeks is all about heart and devotion) you wouldn't want anything else!

.... And maybe you will join me in BODYCOMBAT! :P

Party people

So Clubland X-treme Hardcore 4 has been out for a while and my, my what an excellent compilation it is! The previous installment in the series was really bad (except for a few songs) while the two first were freaking awesome and the latest one really is on-par with the them. Volume three was just really weird - it had uninspiring and bland sounds, it wasn't catchy at all. While CXH4 still has SOME of those boring tunes it still has ten times more top choons - the moment I heard Paradise & Dreams by Ultrabeat vs Darren Styles I was HOOKED! It may sound a tiny, wee bit boybandish in the lyrics and vocals but I love it to bits. I adore the lyrics, the vocals and the lead (or melody as some would say)... Excellent and hugely uplifting track!! Shortly after comes Wii Go Crazy by Dougal & Gammer and that tune is BRILLIANT because it samples a 8-bits melody (think 8-bits Nintendo console) and being a fan of such blippy noise I fell in love at once!

Breeze's CD is great, too, especially You & Me (Breeze Mix) by SHM and even though I hate to admit it (since I'm usually not a fan of electronic remakes of old classics), the remake of Bryan Adam's ol' Heaven is bloody great too! But Breeze's mix is a victim of the bad sound of CXH3 thanks to a couple of tracks, a good example being Save The Rave (by Re-Con) - incredibly tedious and horrible track. What is up with Re-Con lately? I used to love his tracks but the last two years he's just been churning out absolutely crap tunes (with the odd exception)... I don't know what he is trying to achieve.

Hixxy's CD is disappointing, only a few good songs on there. Also getting a lot of CXH3 vibes from this CD. Perfect World by Hixxy is saved by the amazing vocals and lyrics, if not for them I would never listen to it. The song works just because I want to hear those vocals, I don't like the lead so much. And then they have butchered Love Comes by throwing out a so called "Version 1.1" of it. The original track is fucking awesome, ESPECIALLY the distorted kick-drum part, but I can't listen to Version 1.1. They even removed the distorted part. Bleh. Just bleh. Well, at least I can still listen to the old version if I want to and I will!

I have also noticed that acoustic and electric guitars have been used frequently in the new tracks of CXH4. What's up with that? Not complaining, I love most of those tracks, but how come? Rock UK Hardcore. :P

Anyhow; weeee for CXH4!

Technicolor rainbow kiss

Oh I wish it were the 15th. That's when I'll meet my prince charming! I will be so bloody nervous on the way there, christ... But he will be nervous, too. I guess we will have to be on the phone when the train arrives at the station, maybe that will lessen the nervousness? Anyway think we are gonna try that.

Aaah, it will be so awesome, I bet! He is gonna get so many hugs that he'll be catching for breath! Haha!

Come December 15th!

Maybe

Sigh... I don't know anymore. Not after tonight...

:(

Bullet in the gun

Bang, you're dead!

What do all these teenagers that go around killing people hope to achieve? Fine, they are angry, they hate the world but what gives them the right to take other peoples' lives just because they don't like humanity? They are so fucked up in their brains, I wonder what their parents are like. What, mom was a prostitute and dad is a fat, horny truck driver whose dick is too small for a condom? They must have some serious issues if they can't raise their kids to not become a victim of misanthropy. If they feel they cannot handle raising a kid then they should put it up for adoption before it gets too old! I know it must be EXTREMELY hard to make that decision but it's for the greater good, you might save human lives. Who wouldn't want to be a hero?

These angry teenagers are just pathetic. What have all those innocent people done to you!? People don't wanna be friends with you? Oh, I wonder why that is... ... ... Geez, maybe because you are a crazed, self-loathing drug addict? It would be unfair to totally bash only the teenagers for who they are, like I said I suspect their parents play a major role in who they are. Sometimes wrong people decide to get kids, but what can you do about it other than pray they are so aware that if they feel they can't handle it, they put it up for adoption?

No matter what, they have no reason to kill other people. Suicide, okay if that makes you feel better, but not other people, you sons of bitches.

(Woah, punchy finale!)

Talk dirty to me

Oh my gooood, I said the funniest thing (so far) while teaching today! We were doing Paradise City from BC30 and it has several squats, and the last of them are done in the bottom (called "the basement") and in this particular track they're only six. Six in Swedish is "sex" (and yes, it also means the English 'sex') so when I was gonna tell them to do six of them in the basement... I said, translated, "Sex in the basement!" ("Sex i källaren" in Swedish) and man, I quickly realized what I had said when they giggled at me. I burst out laughing and just "Oh man, how did that sound!?" and I was laughing so hard I couldn't teach the slow push-ups after the squats... haha... But I managed to get through the track fine after that but I was still laughing for myself during the rest of the track and a bit of the cooldown. :D Luckily, they were laughing too!

You make me happy

Oooh... I'm feeling so incredibly good lately, much due to one person and he knows who he is! My little sugarpuff! :D

I will soon get to meet him! It feels like an eternity, does anybody have a time-machine?

Music to my ears

Lookie, lookie. I have gotten myself a "Top Five Weekly Tracks"-list from last.fm! There you can see how I obsess over certain songs, haha... Enjoy. :P

Shock to the system

I wonder why there are so few people attending the classes I teach. It could be because I mix too many tracks, but I have said to them to tell me if they don't like it and so far I have only heard positive things. But me mixing tracks cannot be so bad, can it? I always mix the same tracks and I've switched one track at a time (some week I switched two) so they really get a chance to learn the tracks. For example, I have taught Hymn and We Rock for almost 7 weeks now and that's more time than I taught Girlfriend and Run To The Hills. I've still got 3 BC33 tracks in my mix, spread out so they got a chance to coast alternatively give it their all.

It cannot be because I have bad technique, cause I know I don't and the assessment only pointed out small little things, and I have heard numerous times that people think I have a Martial Arts background (which is flattering, considering I do not have one).

I know my choreography inside-out, 110%, and I pre-cue and make it easy for them to follow (and the assessment said this too). So that cannot be the problem either.

Could it be that they do not like my teaching style? I am a bit humorous, self-aware and think I have a really good mix of serious technical cues and fun. I am reminding them of the correct technique many, many times and I show them, too. I vary my teaching with both verbal and visual cues to only visual or only verbal cues.
I do tend to say weird things sometimes but I doubt people would stop coming because I, for example, sometimes say "heel" instead of "elbow".

Maybe it is because I might sound a bit patronizing when I speak (my friends tell me I sound different when I teach)? I have no idea, but I do not think that is the case either because then somebody would have told me, I think. If I do, then I really do not mean to.

I also try to make as much individual contact as possible and when I do, I get smiles back and sometimes they shout! I also correct them individually from time to time, so they shouldn't feel forgotten.

I really cannot put my finger on exactly what is wrong.

Tuesdays are going great and it is Annica's class. She always has over 15 people attending however when I covered her class two days ago there were only 9, 7 of them were regulars, rest were totally new. My Thursdays started out great with 25 - 30 people but after three weeks, the numbers gradually sank lower and lower and then I was down to 7 - 11 people per week. Then came Halloween and I suddenly got 20 people in my class and the class after had 16 people so I thought that I had done it, I had gotten more people to my class. But they kept on sinking. Last week we were 8 I think and today.... NOBODY IS BOOKED! 5 hours left to the class and NOBODY is booked. Wow. That's a huge blow to take. And all the other classes on Thursdays always have over 10 people attending, including today except today I have zero and the rest of the classes have many (I think the one with the least has 12).

It is really depressing. I am trying so hard to be a good instructor and yet, I only feel like I fail. It confuses me that Annica has told me she thinks I am great and she was REALLY enthusiastic about it, I doubt she lied (she filmed the class that was assessed), the GFM at Sportlife said so too and I got my license but yet, it feels like people don't like me... :(

A&E

It's a bluuue, bright blue Saturday-hey-hey
And the pain's starting to slip away-hey-hey

I'm in a dancing mood and I also feel like singing! Anybody feel like joining in?

Mein herz brennt

What is going!? Why are there suddenly so many fires around the globe? Earlier this year, there were tons of fires in Greece. Then there was a big fire in California. Just recently there was yet another fire roaming in California. As if those fires weren't enough, there are countless other fires in Sweden. Just the past few weeks; A school in Gothenburg, a building in Borås, another building in Landskrona, a store near where I live (I actually went past it when I was on the bus to Uddevalla, there were tons of firemen and firetrucks there, from four different firestations) and tons of other fires. Is it due to people suddenly getting careless or is it due to something else, like a warmer climate? Could it be due to people feeling like ruining for other people, too?

I suppose fires aren't a new trend, but they sure get a lot of attention lately. It's quite scary... Imagine all of your belongings burning down - all the memories (photos, gifts, etc), all your personal stuff and last but not least - your home! I don't think it would have been easy to handle...

Seventh tree

Oh, I downloaded the leaked version of the new Goldfrapp album. I'm liking a few of the songs but it sounds really different, but I guess it is because they're not quite mastered yet (the album is scheduled for release in FEBRUARY, so it's quite strange how it has leaked already...). My favourite so far is Road To Somewhere... or Little Bird.

The songs sound so acoustic. I really hope they will get a bit more electric feel to them once they're mastered. Goldfrapp is about electronica in some form or another. Sexy, mellow or deep, melancholy electronica!

Some people

The writers' strike in USA is really annoying! Heroes is finally picking up again and the last three episodes have been AWESOME, the last one being one of the best ever, and now there will only be a total of two more episodes this season unless a miracle happens! Even though Family Guy's current season is finished writing, Seth (Creator) refuses to produce more episodes until the strike is over, to support the writers. Lost is quite safe, though, luckily!

Why can't they just pay the hard-working writers more and get on with the writing and production!? It's not like they don't have the money to raise their salaries... Sigh.

Takin' over me

I feel like bursting into a dance or something. Last few days have been so great! I feel like I have been on speed or ecstasy all days long (not that I have ever used drugs but I suppose this is what I would be like with those injected into me)! And everything came as such a surprise, too! I and Emelie are both having a great week, aren't we? Haha....... :D

One of the instructors at the gym I work-out at (not the one I instruct at) called me and said she and the other male instructor would come to my BODYCOMBAT-class tomorrow!!! That was just like the icing on the cake, I went through the roof! It's gonna be so fun, I'm so happy!

This is too much happiness happening! I fear I might burst soon! Muhahaha.... :D

I wish you could tell me that you'll always be around
And I wish that together we could seize the day!

Takin' me higher

Could it be...? (Open for interpretation)

I have been in an awesome mood today (guess why)! I have driven people nuts because I have been so hyperactive and talked, talked and talked and done so many crazy things. I wonder if people TRULY think I am annoying when I get like that. I never mean any harm or mean to be annoying, I am just having fun and being in a wicked mood. Whether or not people like it is another story.

But I suppose that this will soon come to an end. Just my luck, like I have said a thousand times before, but I know how things turn out for me... Always the same.

Anyway, I will soon get my assessment from Les Mills regarding my video! I hope they can overlook a couple of things and that they will let me pass and give me my license! I deserve it so fork it over! Haha...

Something inside so strong

Woohoo. It's been 8 days since I've had any sweets or chocolate! I'm just too good! The only junk I've had is two chocolate donuts and two "kexchoklad" (what is that in English, anyway? Chocolate biscuit? But that doesn't sound right...) spread out during the 8 days.

Mission accomplished so far.

But tonight, I'm gonna go buy a little something. :-) But that's okay, I've still got 1 "bigger amount of candy"-day left and this week I ain't gonna use them both!

Another one bites the dust!

Haha, today, another participant walked up to me and said she nearly threw up cause it was so hard!!! I must have chosen a sickly hard mix, hahaha.... I wonder if I should be proud or if I might have too hard songs? :D I did:

01. Stuck On You (23)
02. Everybody's Screaming!!! (33)
03. Come With Me (28)
04. Push It Again (28)
05. Hymn (28)
06. Behind The Cow (33)
07. We Rock (31)
08. U R My Phantasy (33)
09. Paradise City (30)
10. Vienna (33)

I know for a fact that tracks 3 - 5 of 28 are really, really hard, at least when I do them.

Dream to me

Oh, I want this to turn out good! Please, please, please!

I will be

Lately... Something has happened. I don't wanna go into details too early or before I know everything, but it feels great and I hope I'm lucky this time! But knowing my usual luck, it won't turn out positively so I guess it'll be hello to square one again soon... I'm holding my breath!

The roof is on fire!

Instructing BODYCOMBAT at Sportlife is so INCREDIBLY fun. The regulars are so damned uplifting - they're always smiling, listening to cues and corrects themselves, they shout out loud and they put power in their moves! It makes me so happy! As I sat on the bus on my way home today, I suddenly got a huge smile on my face while thinking back of the class - they told me they had a great time and one of them walked up to me and said she was absolutely smashed, that she almost threw up during class! Do you know how awesome it is to hear this from your participants!? It makes you feel special, that you really make your participants work hard and have fun and it is extremely encouraging! When you hear responses during class like everybody screaming "yes!!!", smiling or chuckling or the occasional "huah!" it really makes the hour magical! And them panting after hard tracks, catching their breaths, is a small little detail that sends the signal that they got what they came for - hard work! It's so amazing!

I've also taught a couple of special classes for a group of girls the last month. That, however, is not fun. I don't mean to be rude or mean but they don't listen to my cues, they don't make any noise, they talk to each other mid-track, sometimes they're just fooling around making fun of stuff and they don't add any power. It's really discouraging. And last time one of them even said to me: "Hey, can't we do 30 mins of Combat and then let us go down to the gym?". That was just plain rude. It was EXTREMELY discouraging to hear and it was 10 minutes before the class had started. I lost all my motivation to put all my energy in the teaching when I taught the last class for them... I tried but it just didn't click, I just wanted to get through it. Not to single her out but she's also one of the worst ones - that don't add power, sighs during tracks and plays around and hardly listens to cues. Luckily, I don't have to teach any of those classes again for a long while.

But I have my Thursday class and the occasional Saturday class that makes me love teaching even more for each time! A big thanks and hug to those people, should they ever read this (they won't but... :P)!

:)

Ice

Hahaha... It's so slippery outside now, with the snow and all, and people slide around like they were ice skating and it is so hard not to laugh. Today, while I was walking home from the barbershop, I saw a guy on a bike passing me when I heard a thud and when I looked behind me he lies on the ground with the bike over him. I quickly turned my head forward and tried to avoid laughing, I did all sorts of crazy things like pretend I was picking my lips but I couldn't help but have this HUGE grin on my face because I didn't want to burst out laughing. I just kept walking.

Then, when I'm almost home, I see an elderly man walking in front of me and he slides forward half a meter all of a sudden... Had to avoid bursting into laughter there too! :D

I have had my fair share of sliding, too. Haha. It's hilarious, really.

Worlds apart

I'm telling the truth now: I think I am getting over Jonathan. At least that is what my mind has decided and whether my heart wants to follow or not is another story (pardon the poetic vibes). And I think I am getting on his nerves now, so as I am still sane and know it ain't ever gonna lead anywhere I am going to have to draw a line. There are other people out there. Just gotta find them. It would be the best for us both - at least the best for me, doubt he really cares.

Coming to think of it, I don't see how we could ever lead a life together anyway in terms of personality, humour and et cetera. He doesn't share my somewhat low, dry, perversive and mean humor and whenever we talk it is like one really has to sit and think for an hour about what to talk about - it doesn't come naturally, like with most other people. I don't think we've ever small-talked and I can do that with everybody else... except him; except the one that really is quite similar to me. I'm not gonna get into extreme detail here but there are lots of funny trivia. For example, I share the name of one of his brothers. I've always liked the name Jonathan and in first grade of high school we wrote an essay about names (this was before I "noticed" him) and I wrote that if I were to choose a different name for myself I'd pick Jonathan and one of my kids would be named as another of his brothers. If my little sister had been a boy instead, she (or would that be he?) would be called Jonathan. Nice coincidences? And we're both left-handed. :P Lots of that trivial stuff to be known.

I am gonna have to put all that to rest but there is no denying there are many interesting coincidences between us. There is no point in ever hoping there could be something because he has made it quite clear. I am not going to deny that he looks very, very good though, so that is something he will always hear (unless he does something drastic). Haha...

I wonder if I truly let him go out of my heart (excuse the poeticism (new word) again) will our conversations loosen up? Or are we just really not meant to be talking much? Or is it just because I'm so outrageously weird to talk to? I wish I could help the fact that I must explain things to people in detail or that I talk a lot or that I have this random humour. Sometimes it is like talking to one of my walls while talking to him, or should I say he seems bored of me, and that is never a good sign. Should I take the hint and shut the fuck up next time? Next time I will talk to myself instead... At least then I will get an answer and one that I like, too.

Dog new tricks

Okay. I really need to get out of this awfully bad habit of mine. I need to stop eating so much junk! I eat chocolate and candy in massive amounts almost everyday now. It's not good for my teeth and my body (although I don't become fat even though I should considering the amounts) and it's certainly not good for my wallet.

I know all the promises people make but I'm gonna make it. No candy or chocolate more than twice a week. And in moderate amounts.

I'm gonna write here everytime I eat that junk and if it exceeds twice a week then I'm gonna punish myself by listening to Mika.

Starting from now.

(I'm actually confident I'll make it, it shouldn't be that hard.)

Touch the sky

Oh, I've gotten tons of compliments from the GFM and the other BC-instructor at Sportlife! It makes me so happy! The GFM has assessed me and said I was great and that there was not much to work on. Like: I needed to work more on keeping my guard up (sometimes it drops and the roundhouse-guard is a bit lame sometimes :P) and vary my vocabulary a bit more.

I filmed again last class and the other instructor was there to film for me and afterwards she said something like: "Fantastic class! You have really improved since the beginning! I can't think of anything you need to work on, perhaps your guard and so but it's nothing really important!". I was shining when she said that and it made my entire evening, I was in such good spirits! And she's a good friend of one of the Swedish trainers (my trainer, in fact) too, and has been doing her classes for a couple of years so I think she knows what a fantastic class is.

/Brag off. Enjoy the funny picture. :P

Bom bom suenan

Okay, I just taught the weirdest BODYCOMBAT class ever. I had planned to do a favourite tracks-mix and the warm-up I had chosen was the one from BC27. So when I put the CD in the player, it turns out it won't play that particular track. Great. So I decide to do the warm-up from BC25 instead. So we start and I am off-beat tons of times and it feels awkward. Guess what happens next. The damn player fucks up and only the bass is heard. The mic died too. In the middle of the lower body warm-up! So we restart the player and it works again so I fast-forward to where we were.

Then track 2 starts. After 30 seconds it dies again. Grrr. So we think it's because the CD was burnt and I try switching CDs to the only "real" CD I have - BC32, where track 2 is School's Out. I demo the most complicated move and start the track. It all goes fine for the first minute and then it dies again. God damn it! We give up and one of them (one of the two GFMs (Group Fitness Manager)) goes to the nearby room to pick up a stereo and plugs it in and it works! But I have to teach the entire class bar the warm-up and man, my voice died more and more after each track... After the class, I had severe difficulties speaking properly and I pray that my voice is working fine on Thursday, the day I have my next class.

I do not recommend teaching a class without a mic. Ouchie.

I'm the "fuck you"-man

I hate people who love to share their music in public places. It's on-par with the annoyance of little whiny, bitchy 3-years old kids. Whatever happened to respect? I don't want to hear their crappy emo or rap music bursting out of their oh-so-expensive cellphones especially not if I'm listening to music myself, in my HEADPHONES! You heard it! Headphones! It means I do not disturb anyone and I pay respect to my fellow species who might not want to be bothered by my hardcore or metal music. I wish teenyboppers, immigrants and emos would share the same common sense but apparently they do not. I also wish whiny kids to be banned from ever setting foot on a bus or train. They're so annoying! Wuaaah, wuuaaaah and they don't give up, those mischievous bastards! Ban them, I say, and anybody who dares to play their music loud in such places are worthy of a kick to the groin!

It's painful enough to look at an emo, that god awful hair and those clothes are sore to the eye so why torture me more by forcing me to hear My Chemical Romance or Taking Back Sunday too!? Those kids are gonna look back at themselves five years from now and they're gonna wonder why the fuck they dressed and looked like they do now. Hopefully then, they'll gain the common sense, too.

Tough love

I seriously wonder why the hell unrequited love was invented. There is no logic behind it unless torture counts. Sure, in a sense it's fun to have a crush on somebody especially in the beginning. However, when it continues on for over 1½ year it becomes tedious, bothersome and fucking painful. If I had had a choice I would never have fallen in love with Jonathan. In fact, I would never have fallen in love with anybody because so far I've only had crushes (I'll call all those other crushes because they were never as deep as this one) on several people and they've all been straight... except for Kjell, but things got fucked up and it never led anywhere and now he is not interested anymore. I guess it's the story of my life.

I just want to forget about Jonathan! I want to see him only as my friend, I don't want to have feelings for him. Why is it that my body keeps insisting on being in love with him? It's fucking ridiculous!

Just rewards

The world never ceases to amaze me.

Frequently, you hear about the odd person biting the dust by getting hit by a train. Every single time I wonder how incredibly stupid the person must be. There is absolutely no excuse for getting hit by a train - if it is by accident, that is. Okay, there is one excuse: you are blind. But none of these people getting hit nowadays are blind and if they are then they are excluded anyway.
You are able to actually see the train coming, it does not come at the speed of light (some trains move very fast though but you are still able to both hear and see it) and if the people gotten hit had bothered to look (which seems to me like common sense) around before crossing the tracks, the accident would never have happened. The train even horns if it is out on the country (where it moves at highest speed) and if it's in the middle of a city it will slow down so you are very much able to see it beforehand. I just cannot imagine how it is possible to get hit by a sodding train (unless you are committing suicide but that is fucking selfish - think of the driver, you will put him in incredible shock, maybe even ruin his life because you're selfish and ain't got the guts to hang or shoot yourself however you are still selfish because of all your friends and family that you leave behind, wrecked and shocked).

I am serious when I say that I have no sympathy for the people getting run over by trains. It is their own fault. Even if they die, they could have prevented it by logical means. It's a fact. That does not mean I think it is right that they die, because nobody deserves to die but it is still a very dumb way to die.

You're welcome

I saw a little boy on a bike in front of me on the way home today and he was holding an ice cream in his hand. He was tiny and so was his bike. I kept imagining he would drop the ice cream cause the boy on a bike plus an ice cream didn't look so smooth. I just waited for the moment he would drop the ice cream but it never came. I actually chuckled for a second, walking, imagining him being so disappointed by dropping it. Had he actually dropped the thing I'd burst out laughing, mostly due to the fact I kept imagining it.

:)

Some assembly required

One of my teachers yesterday got on my nerves. We had agreed upon meeting at 12.05 so I could borrow the camera and shoot Oscar (Seven sins project - he's Wrath). I wait outside the office at 12.05 and I wait... And wait... And wait... 12.30 she opens the door to a classroom and just says "hi" and tells us (me and Maria) there are a couple of students here from another school. I tell her "I've waited here 25 minutes for you..." and she replies: "Oh." ... I tell her I need to borrow the camera and she says something I can't hear and walks back into the classroom to those two students and acts as if I never said I needed to borrow the camera and as if she didn't leave me waiting for 25 minutes. I feel myself losing my temper so I say in a bit of an annoyed tone: "Oscar is waiting for, I need to borrow the camera now!" and she goes: "Oh yeah, right." She then walks into the office and hands me the camera. Wow. Finally. And she didn't even apologize, not only did she make me wait, she made Oscar wait too.

Disrespectful...

I'll be happy til the day I die

There was a time when I'd sit in front of the computer, late at night, listening to the happiest songs I've ever heard and almost crying because of the happiness I felt. I'd listen to a selected few songs every night and just felt like exploding. I felt so in love, I felt so happy when listening to those songs. I'd pump up the volume in my headphones and just feel the synthesizers and bass drift through every vein in my body. Such a rush!

The songs were hardcore. Hardcore can just be so happy sometimes. Shallow music, you say? I've actually tried making this kind of music and it's much harder than making a song with instruments. You have to filter everything, you have to come up with a nice melody (much harder than it sounds), you have to play with the frequencies and the equalizers for every little sound. You also have to work on breakdowns, build-ups and breaks. It's not a simple thing. I've tried making a non-electronic song and found it much easier. It's just not as hard. So saying one can just grab a software and make techno music... well... No. You can't. Well, you can make sounds but you cannot make a great tune out of it if you don't tweak it right.

It's hard to describe how happy the choons made me. I'd just sit there, with a huge smile on my face and being extremely hyper. Wow. But I'm afraid of doing it again because part of the happiness was due to being so in love with Jonathan and then the tunes would amplify the feelings. That was actually before I really got to know him (like adding him on MSN) and I've learnt my lesson lately to not go into those moods because I will just be so depressed the second it ends. I know now that he is not interested and never will be (but I've actually heard stories on QX that it's possible to turn a straight person or at least make him spend the night with you, if you know what I mean, but I lack the charisma to persuade him or anyone else for that matter, I can't even get a gay person interested in me) so I am trying not to think about him.

Progress? Doing well so far. I still have my tendencies, like always when I check my friends-list on Bilddagboken.se I will check his status and a couple of other tendencies regarding him. I try not to but I can't help myself and I hate myself everytime I do it. But I've actually managed to think about him without feeling butterflies in my stomach (only because I persuade myself that I'm not in love with him :P). I'm trying my best. It's not really an easy thing - to fight your own feelings.

If anybody is interested (I doubt it though, the only person I guess reading my blog is Sara and she hates that kind of music (oh, and Emelie but she probably hates it too!)) here are the happy, happy tunes I listened to during those nights:

Eclipse - Be Happy (Brisk & Vagabond Remix)
Flip 'n' Fill - Field Of Dreams (Hixxy Remix)
Ham, Demo & Justin Time - Here I Am (Ham's 2005 Remix)

Folie à plusieurs

I don't understand religious people (especially Christians). No offence to them as individuals but their beliefs and sometimes behaviour are freaky and in a fashion: scary. All their talk about god (look, I write that with a lower case 'g', how rioting of me) is just plain, downright freaky! They say he (lower case again, I'm in trouble now, ain't I) is almighty and that everybody should follow his set of rules? That homosexuals shouldn't 'be', that it's a sin to do this and that and that everybody should bow down to him. If that isn't fascism, then I don't know what is. The people who made god up and wrote down all the things in the Bible must have been power greedy lunatics! I wouldn't wanna meet them. I don't understand how anybody is willing to accept what the Bible says is required of them!

Worse is how they try to force their beliefs on other people. According to them, "god damn" is blasphemy and they require the word to be censored if used publicly. Okay, so if that is to be censored then can we censor everything they say about god too? I don't wanna hear it, I find it offending to be taught that god doesn't like me being homosexual or that homosexual people aren't allowed to get legally married. If I argue against a Christian person regarding that subject then I will get a shitload of citations from the Bible thrown at me, get told that I will go to hell and yada, yada, yada. Enough already! If they don't want us to use "the Lord's" name in vain situations such as "god damn" then I demand they stop their bullshit and keep their mouth in public shut about god and the Bible. Fair enough? Oh, oh, and I want to be able to get legally married. I'm not really interested in getting married but everybody should have the same rights.

Okay, not all Christians are like this, but a part of them are. I have no problem with them as individual people but if they start talking about god using spooky language as "It's the Lord's will that I do this" then I will wince and take a step away from them. It's scary stuff, yo?

Biogenesis

It began with an act of supreme violence - a big bang expanding ever outward, cosmos born of matter and gas, matter and gas ten billion years ago. Whose idea was this? Who had the audacity for such invention? And the reason? Were we part of that plan ten billion years ago? Are we born only to die? To be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth before giving way to our generations? If there is a beginning, must there be an end? We burn like fires in our time only to be extinguished. To surrender to the elements' eternal reclaim. Matter and gas... will this all end one day? Life no longer passing to life, the Earth left barren like the stars above, like the cosmos. Will the hand that lit the flame let it burn down? Let it burn out? Could we, too, become extinct? Or if this fire of life living inside us is meant to go on, who decides? Who tends the flames? Can he reignite the spark even as it grows cold and weak?

From space, it seems an abstraction - a magician's trick on a darkened stage. And from this distance one might never imagine that it is alive. It first appeared in the sea almost four billion years ago in the form of single-celled life. In an explosion of life spanning millions of years, nature's first multicellular organisms began to multiply... and then it stopped. 440 million years ago, a great mass extinction would kill off nearly every species on the planet leaving the vast oceans decimated and empty. Slowly, plants began to evolve, then insects, only to be wiped out in the second great mass extinction upon the Earth. The cycle repeated again and again. Reptiles emerging, independent of the sea only to be killed off. Then dinosaurs, struggling to life along with the first birds, fish, and flowering plants - their decimations Earth's fourth and fifth great extinctions. Only 100,000 years ago, Homo Sapiens appear - man. From cave paintings to the bible to Columbus and Apollo 11, we have been a tireless force upon the earth and off cataloguing the natural world as it unfolds to us. Rising to a world population of over five billion people all descended from that original single cell, that first spark of life. But for all our knowledge, what no one can say for certain, is what or who ignited that original spark. Is there a plan, a purpose or a reason to our existence? Will we pass, as those before us, into oblivion, into the sixth extinction that scientists warn is already in progress?

- The X-Files, S06E22.

Happy anniversary

Went over to Amanda's house yesterday and celebrated her 18th birthday!! We had dinner with champagne, gave her presents and played a board game - Mr. Bean! Haha.. Crazy! But it was great fun!!

Before that, I and Sara went to a shopping center and I bought a new hooded shirt and a present for Amanda. :)

Breathless

Hahahaaa, today's BODYCOMBAT at Sportlife was amazing! I said I was going to switch 'Girlfriend' with 'Hymn' (BC28), right? I did and when the track was over, I heard one of them say "oh my god!" and they were all panting! Then I asked if they had any energy left and they said "no!" and kept gasping for air!!!! That was so awesome!!! :D

If they're not working hard enough, trust 'Hymn' to teach them a lesson!

I also got an "invitation" today from Linda at Sportlife, asking if I could teach a special BODYCOMBAT-class for her handball-team next Tuesday and Tuesday in two weeks! It sounds like it will be fun, so I said sure and now I'm looking forward to it. I think I'm gonna teach BC33 but switch 'Girlfriend' with 'Hymn' and 'Run To The Hills' with 'So What!' (BC27). Might switch the fourth track too, with 'Rock Me Amadeus' (BC30) due to it being easier for them to grasp the evasive side-kick. We'll see.

Existence

Isn't the mind's eye a strange and peculiar thing? How is it possible to produce an image in your head, that can look so real? How does it work? I don't know what is stranger - the fact one can create an image or that we are able to see the image not with our eyes but within our minds. It is possible to look at an object with your eyes and at the same time see something else inside your brain, but the image you see in the brain does not cloud the actual thing you see. Think about it. Why can we even see an image that is not perceived by our eyes? How does the actual brain manage to put together an image that we have never seen in our life but yet it looks so real? Example: I picture Sara's body but with an elephant head. In my head, it looks flawless but I've never ever seen an elephant's head on Sara's body nor will I ever do it (unless I take some ecstasy I guess). So how does my brain know how it will look then, how can I even THINK how it would look? I guess it all comes down to imagination but the questions still remain... It's the same with hearing somebody speak in your head - you can make a person say whatever dirty stuff to you (I've tried, hahaaaa, busted!) but you've never heard the person say some of those words, yet you can imagine it perfectly in your head!

It's so amazing what the human body can do. Why do I sometimes feel knots in my stomach when I think of Jonathan (I suppose the easy answer is the body releases a fluid, triggered by the thought of someone you're having a crush on, but I'm digging even deeper than that; how is this fluid created? Why does the fluid create this feeling? Why in the stomach?)? Why can we feel happiness, sadness (again with the fluids; again with the questions) and so forth?

I wonder how the human body was created. Don't give me the usual theories (they're crap anyway) because how does a brain, a heart and all the other organs just materialize and then into one perfectly functioning individual? And how was the universe created? There had to be something before the first thing (the universe?) was created, right? So if there was something before the first thing was created, then the first thing wasn't the first thing, correct? How did this thing before the first thing appear then? It had to come from something too. What was the thing before the thing before the first thing? I could go on forever. Something can't just be by the snap of a finger. There has to be something before the very first thing but if we go by that logic then there could never be a first thing. The universe couldn't just have appeared! Doesn't it make you dizzy just thinking about it?! It sure does my head in...

I wonder, will we ever figure it out?

Snap!

Oh, I photographed Rebecca today for my project in school, along with Emma and Johan. She got 'envy' (one of the seven deadly sins) and it went great! I think I got many awesome pictures however I can't transfer them to my computer because the person who last borrowed the camera didn't return the USB-cable... So I will have to wait until tomorrow.

Thanks for the photos, Hixxy! Outstanding model, I think those 'normal' shots will be really, really good! We'll have to wait and see, don't we. :)

Ascension

What a mighty wicked world we live in, eh. I mean, it's totally out of control. There is the climate issue and what do people do to help? Fucking nothing. They litter the streets and they're so lazy that they take the car instead of walking, taking the bike or bus. I guess what irritates me most is the sodding littering. Come on, knock it off! Not only is it harmful to our planet but it is also unnecessary work for the people who have to pick it up after YOU. If you know you can't handle hanging onto a little plastic wrapping or a bottle then I wonder how you handle consuming it. It has to be, physically, more demanding to actually remove the, for example, wrapping, move the candy bar to your mouth with your hand and arm, open your mouth, stick it in and bite off a chunk and then chew it. Repeat the process as needed. Compare that to actually putting the weightless plastic in your pocket or keeping it in your hand until you reach a trash bin. Think about the way that you live today or I swear you will pay the price sooner or later. Not only because of you but because there are millions of other people like you and you all play an equal part in corrupting nature. It isn't much to ask for, is it?

There's this guy at the gym I instruct at. He lives five (5!) minutes by foot from the gym and he openly admits that he takes the car or his moped everyday. Give me a break! He also says that he isn't lazy, because he works-out a lot at the gym. Okay, what the hell? That isn't my point. The point is that if only he could use his feet to either walk or bike there, he would do our planet a small favor.
But I guess that's what a driver's license does to you. It makes you lazy. Before you would walk those five minutes but now that you're eligible to drive a car you think: Ah what the hell, I might as well take the car! and not only does that makes you lazy, but you contribute to corrupting the planet. Mother Nature would like to thank you for your co-operation!

Now, I am not perfect but I do my very best to ensure I do as little harm as possible. I always hold onto trash, I can hold on to it for hours if that's what it takes (and I have actually done that a couple of times... sometimes I've even forgotten about the plastic in my hand so I've walked around with it for ages, haha...) and I've decided I don't want a driver's license yet because I'm very confident that will make me lazy too. I don't want to fall into that trap. I love to walk and I will continue to do it for as long as I can. If I need to get somewhere, I'll take the bus or the train. On rare occasions I will ask my dad for a ride but that's pretty much only if it's an emergency. I'm not ashamed to say this; If people were more like me regarding these issues, the world would be a better place.

But knowing human nature, this will never change. We will continue to litter and destroy the planet until the end of time and we will all have to suffer the consequences. We have only ourselves to thank.

Oops!

Anybody can write a comment now! I had put it on "Only logged in" for some reason but now everybody can!

Just accept it

Heh, it feels a bit better about Jonathan now, actually. We talked a bit about it and it was really needed, I tell you. I got to explain things, he really made it clear there's a snowball's chance in hell that it would ever lead anywhere beyond 'friends'. I think I really needed to hear it directly from him instead of just having these assumptions. I was terrified that I had ruined our friendship and I was so ashamed of myself. I was really, really ashamed because of how he felt about me writing those things about him. I felt like a dog that had done something inappropriate.

Anyway, he said it was fine and that I hadn't ruined the friendship. It made me feel better. In fact, I think the very much needed confirmation that it won't lead anywhere has finally made every part of me realize that it is actually true and it's time to let it go now. I'm working on it... But it's probably gonna take some time.

The big sleep

I did not just skip today's first two classes... /whistles innocently.

I was tired, okay! :D But, but I am going to school now! In a few minutes! Promise!

Check your head

NEW LINK!!! I put the wrong link first!

http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21598,22492511-5005375,00.html

Freaky stuff!!! I couldn't get it to move counter-clockwise, it only moved clockwise for me. I linked it to Daniel and he said he could only get it to move counter-clockwise, haha. So according to that thing I use my right part of my brain more than the left, but looking at the list I actually believe I use the left one more.

Right between the eyes

Wouldn't you guess the oh so perfect day turned out to be quite irritating? Okay so I get ready to go to the gym for BODYCOMBAT, alright? I figured I'd take the bus because the weather was quite bad, however I am all done a bit too late so I have to hurry and when I get to the bus stop I have 1 minute to spare. Wow!
There comes this girl who wanders into the bus stop "hub" (for lack of a better term, can't be arsed looking it up) and almost pushes me as she bursts down onto the seat. Ooookay. As I stand there and wait (the bus is late) she decides to light a cigarette. Oh, thank you, Miss. She's sitting like 20 cm from me and lights a fucking smoke. Disrespectful like nothing else. So I clearly show her how I feel by going away, standing a couple of meters away from her and then in front of me comes another woman with two kids, and the woman happens to be smoking. So yet again, I get to inhale even more smoke. Poor kids. This woman looked like a whore. No offence but she had green eyeshadow on the (from my view) right eye and brown eyeshadow on the other eye. I wonder how she got those kids...

8 freaking minutes late is the buss! And since the BODYCOMBAT class starts at 5:30 PM and the bus is supposed to arrive there at the stop at 5:03 PM you can tell I get a bit stressed. I get on the bus and guess what! The driver is some woman who apparently doesn't realize she's almost 10 minutes late. I think I could have walked faster than she was driving! I almost felt like going up to her to tell her to STEP ON THE GAS!!

Whoopidoo, I arrive at the gym 6 minutes prior to the start of the BODYCOMBAT class. Yay! Well, at least I made it. The class was great, thanks Unni for teaching another awesome class! :)

School hard

Oh, today is a great day! I've only got two classes on Mondays, the first starting at noon. We were told last week that the first one would be canceled today, so I would start at 1:45 PM. Anyway, I drag my feet to school with some new track that I downloaded yesterday pumping in my ears and notice I am a wee bit late (as usual, in other words :P) and when I'm outside the classroom I meet Zana and she tells me the teacher is home, taking care of his sick kid, which means this class is also canceled. Yay, a day off, sorta!

I need a stylist... badly. I am not particularly good at making my hair look cool. :(

Special delivery

I just learned that my oldest sister is pregnant! Woohoo! I'm going to be an uncle! :P Pretty weird that my little sister told me and not the actual pregnant sister (who lives in London)...

Mundian to bach ke

BODYCOMBAT 33 is going good. I think the participants like it very much and I do, too, except for tracks 5 and 7. Next week I'll probably switch track 5 ('Girlfriend', it's way too easy) with 'Hymn' from BODYCOMBAT 28! The hardest track 5 ever, in my opinion. It's so simple but so exhausting!
Generally, I would wait 6 weeks or so before mixing but it feels like I've taught it for an eternity already. But I feel 'Girlfriend' is too easy so it needs to go!

Then in a couple of weeks, I will probably switch 'Run To The Hills' (track 7) too. And track 4 with 'Rock Me Amadeus' (so they can practice those jump kicks that come in BODYCOMBAT 34, since the class hasn't done any jump kicks yet (the gym launched BODYCOMBAT on release 32, which had no jump kicks either)).

Crash

I can't do it. No matter what I try, no matter how hard I try; it is impossible and god knows (though I doubt he exists) it wrecks me. If I had control over my own feelings and most importantly: sexuality, then my life wouldn't be like this. Seriously, unrequited love should be considered a method of torture because I am ready to rip my guts out to end the butterflies in my stomach, to end the constant depression and to rid of the false hopes and feelings. It is one of the worst things I have experienced in my short, hell of a life.

EVERY SINGLE DAY I have to endure the god damn knots in my stomach. There was this time when I thought my feelings for him [Jonathan] had come to an end; I forced myself to not talk to him and it worked wonders, I actually felt better! After a while I needed models for a project in school and since he's really nice and soft I immediately thought that Jonathan (and a couple others, but this is about him) should be one of them, that he would be easy to work with so I started up a conversation on MSN for the first time in weeks and started explaining and then asked him if he was interested. Jonathan approved. That was awesome.

The coming weeks we talked a bit more again and I started feeling in love again. I was terrified, I just wanted to hideaway and cry and forget about everything in my life. Not again! Then came the day we had the photo shoot and he modeled for "Gluttony" (seven deadly sins, ya know) and that was so cool! I was right; he was really easy to work with. And he's cute as ever (but I gotta say the camera I had made him look a couple of years younger which was a bit of a shame). I snapped the pictures I needed and we hung out a while. Great day, really awesome! I didn't really feel anything that day other than those "friend"-feelings, yeah?

But the day after. Man. A nice description: Imagine a car crashing into a huge truck. The car is totaled. As if that was enough, there comes a buss and crashes into the rear of the car (what's left of it, anyway). I am that car.

The day after was his birthday and I saw him in the corridor and went up to hug him (I always hug people on their birthdays, don't think I did it only because it was him, but to tell you the truth: I had thought about it just because it was him and pondered whether or not it would be appropriate to do it, considering the circumstances (he knows I'm _in love_ with him)) and I felt extremely silly the following 5 minutes. I just wanted to fade away. But it felt better later.

Then yesterday, there was this party... Lots of people, including him. And all I could think about was how miserable it is that he is this fucking nice guy that looks great but IS NOT IN THE VERY LEAST GAY IN ANY SENSE OF THE WORDS! That is just not fair.
And it's not fair to him either, that he hurts me by just existing. He can't do anything about it and I don't know if he cares or thinks about it, but if he does he should know that he doesn't have to feel bad about it cause it's nothing he is in control of. He can't help it that I'm gay, he can't help it that he's not gay and he can certainly not help it that I'm having the biggest crush of the millennium on him. I actually almost felt like crying when I wrote this, I feel so sorry for him and I hate the situation more than he does. I wish him and I could be just friends, without my feelings for him. But it's funny, I don't feel in love with him when he hang - it usually comes afterwards.

Help.