I'll be happy til the day I die

There was a time when I'd sit in front of the computer, late at night, listening to the happiest songs I've ever heard and almost crying because of the happiness I felt. I'd listen to a selected few songs every night and just felt like exploding. I felt so in love, I felt so happy when listening to those songs. I'd pump up the volume in my headphones and just feel the synthesizers and bass drift through every vein in my body. Such a rush!

The songs were hardcore. Hardcore can just be so happy sometimes. Shallow music, you say? I've actually tried making this kind of music and it's much harder than making a song with instruments. You have to filter everything, you have to come up with a nice melody (much harder than it sounds), you have to play with the frequencies and the equalizers for every little sound. You also have to work on breakdowns, build-ups and breaks. It's not a simple thing. I've tried making a non-electronic song and found it much easier. It's just not as hard. So saying one can just grab a software and make techno music... well... No. You can't. Well, you can make sounds but you cannot make a great tune out of it if you don't tweak it right.

It's hard to describe how happy the choons made me. I'd just sit there, with a huge smile on my face and being extremely hyper. Wow. But I'm afraid of doing it again because part of the happiness was due to being so in love with Jonathan and then the tunes would amplify the feelings. That was actually before I really got to know him (like adding him on MSN) and I've learnt my lesson lately to not go into those moods because I will just be so depressed the second it ends. I know now that he is not interested and never will be (but I've actually heard stories on QX that it's possible to turn a straight person or at least make him spend the night with you, if you know what I mean, but I lack the charisma to persuade him or anyone else for that matter, I can't even get a gay person interested in me) so I am trying not to think about him.

Progress? Doing well so far. I still have my tendencies, like always when I check my friends-list on Bilddagboken.se I will check his status and a couple of other tendencies regarding him. I try not to but I can't help myself and I hate myself everytime I do it. But I've actually managed to think about him without feeling butterflies in my stomach (only because I persuade myself that I'm not in love with him :P). I'm trying my best. It's not really an easy thing - to fight your own feelings.

If anybody is interested (I doubt it though, the only person I guess reading my blog is Sara and she hates that kind of music (oh, and Emelie but she probably hates it too!)) here are the happy, happy tunes I listened to during those nights:

Eclipse - Be Happy (Brisk & Vagabond Remix)
Flip 'n' Fill - Field Of Dreams (Hixxy Remix)
Ham, Demo & Justin Time - Here I Am (Ham's 2005 Remix)