Crash

I can't do it. No matter what I try, no matter how hard I try; it is impossible and god knows (though I doubt he exists) it wrecks me. If I had control over my own feelings and most importantly: sexuality, then my life wouldn't be like this. Seriously, unrequited love should be considered a method of torture because I am ready to rip my guts out to end the butterflies in my stomach, to end the constant depression and to rid of the false hopes and feelings. It is one of the worst things I have experienced in my short, hell of a life.

EVERY SINGLE DAY I have to endure the god damn knots in my stomach. There was this time when I thought my feelings for him [Jonathan] had come to an end; I forced myself to not talk to him and it worked wonders, I actually felt better! After a while I needed models for a project in school and since he's really nice and soft I immediately thought that Jonathan (and a couple others, but this is about him) should be one of them, that he would be easy to work with so I started up a conversation on MSN for the first time in weeks and started explaining and then asked him if he was interested. Jonathan approved. That was awesome.

The coming weeks we talked a bit more again and I started feeling in love again. I was terrified, I just wanted to hideaway and cry and forget about everything in my life. Not again! Then came the day we had the photo shoot and he modeled for "Gluttony" (seven deadly sins, ya know) and that was so cool! I was right; he was really easy to work with. And he's cute as ever (but I gotta say the camera I had made him look a couple of years younger which was a bit of a shame). I snapped the pictures I needed and we hung out a while. Great day, really awesome! I didn't really feel anything that day other than those "friend"-feelings, yeah?

But the day after. Man. A nice description: Imagine a car crashing into a huge truck. The car is totaled. As if that was enough, there comes a buss and crashes into the rear of the car (what's left of it, anyway). I am that car.

The day after was his birthday and I saw him in the corridor and went up to hug him (I always hug people on their birthdays, don't think I did it only because it was him, but to tell you the truth: I had thought about it just because it was him and pondered whether or not it would be appropriate to do it, considering the circumstances (he knows I'm _in love_ with him)) and I felt extremely silly the following 5 minutes. I just wanted to fade away. But it felt better later.

Then yesterday, there was this party... Lots of people, including him. And all I could think about was how miserable it is that he is this fucking nice guy that looks great but IS NOT IN THE VERY LEAST GAY IN ANY SENSE OF THE WORDS! That is just not fair.
And it's not fair to him either, that he hurts me by just existing. He can't do anything about it and I don't know if he cares or thinks about it, but if he does he should know that he doesn't have to feel bad about it cause it's nothing he is in control of. He can't help it that I'm gay, he can't help it that he's not gay and he can certainly not help it that I'm having the biggest crush of the millennium on him. I actually almost felt like crying when I wrote this, I feel so sorry for him and I hate the situation more than he does. I wish him and I could be just friends, without my feelings for him. But it's funny, I don't feel in love with him when he hang - it usually comes afterwards.

Help.