A new dawn

I wanna move to New Zealand or Australia. I am so incredibly tired of Swedish people. There are only teenyboppers, idiots and more idiots here. There's no one to love here because if somebody seems to be too good to be true then he is too good to be true. I've learnt the lesson now. If I find interest in somebody then it will just go to hell one way or another. I wonder what it is? My looks? Well, come see me in real life and I will blow you away with charisma, humour and laughs. Too bad I don't get a chance to prove on the internet how wonderful I can be and I can proudly say that without regret. I know I have a strong personality. I'm not a clone of anybody and I certainly am independent.

I don't like the Nordic climate either. It's too cold for me, too rainy.

Going to Australia would mean so much. I would be where I feel like I belong, I'm sure. There are many group fitness enthusiasts there, especially since Les Mills is founded there, on New Zealand. I know many people from forums who live there and they all seem like such nice people - an impression I don't often get from Swedish people.
I would never want to return to Sweden. I'd leave my old life all behind me and only bring my belongings and my instructor certificate. Imagine all the gays there, all brimming hot and lovely personalities. Just gotta pick one!

I'd get to attend the filmings for the BODYCOMBAT DVDs, do so many things one can't do in Sweden, bathe in warm climate, explore the wonderful environment of New Zealand, see kangaroos (if I went to Australia), find new friends (Although I doubt they could ever beat my current friends) and so much more. I'd be preening in paradise.

Please...

Scarred

Woohoo, my first BODYCOMBAT scar! I lost control of my thumb during the Muay Thai today and scratched (or "clawed", after all we're talking BODYCOMBAT here!) my forehead so there's a slight mark there and it started bleeding a little bit. :D

Luckily I wasn't in class, I was down at the gym doing it for myself.

Queer

Today is a good day. There was a man at our school today, called Claes Schmidt who goes under the alias of Sara Lund too, cause he's a transvestite! He had a 2 hour long lecture about prejudices, norms and how we love to define each other by gender and some other stuff in relation to this. It was VERY interesting and I learned a lot and it also made me think a step further about the world. He was really funny, too, which made him even greater! Big thumbs up for this dude!

Decadence

There's something building up inside of me, wanting to rip out. I've just had so much hate for so many things today - not even the BODYCOMBAT class was devoid of annoyance because the instructor did a couple of irritating things. I know I probably sound childish and silly when I keep talking about my problems and my "emoish" hate for the world around me but I am truly serious - I don't find much joy lately. It's not a "I want to kill cut myself/commit suicide"-thing, it's a cynical view of a world that once meant a lot to me. I have simply become weary of so much due to the recent realizations. My friends are the only ones that seem to shed a light as of late.

I have to accept these realizations. I am not boyfriend-material because I'm simply one of a kind - and yes, that is a good thing if only other people would like the way I am. I need to stop being so friendly, humorous and witty because I gain nothing but disappointment in return. You know what they say - strong personality equals bad appearance, weak personality equals attractive appearance. I am of the strong personality so I don't get as many chances to prove myself because this world, including me, is shallow. This is not a complaint about myself because I'd rather have a strong personality than to be incredibly stupid, it is a complaint about the shallowness pestering us. I am guilty of it, too, I know how hard it is not to judge by the looks when you come across a person over the internet.

I still wish someone would sweep me off my feet before I lose all hope. Too bad the person I'm interested (by the way, it's just "interested" now) in ain't interested back. I've made my efforts to show my interest in him but if it ain't requited, then why bother?

Fatigue

I can just see the future in front of me. I'll still be the instructor that works-out several days a week and tones the body and mind and in his spare time spends time with the computer or video games and sometimes with his female friends. My friends will lead a perfectly happy life with somebody to love and maybe kids and/or a great successful job. I'll be the oddball, still. I won't outgrow my humour and somewhat childish behaviour which my friends will have done (at least to a certain extent) and due to my mean, stubborn and snobby nature I won't have what they have - a partner. I am so picky that I will never be able to get together with somebody who I find interesting because that's how it pretty much has always been - I find someone interesting, I show interest and try to make contact, sometimes successfully, but they're never interested in me. It's happened once and I think I was taken by surprise that time, so much that I forgot to judge and really think it over meaning that after some time it hit me that he's really not the one for me and we broke up.

I probably shouldn't complain because one of my dreams have already come true - becoming an instructor - but I think almost everybody wants someone to love that loves you back and I'm no exception. I admit I get jealous when I come across people who are hit on by pretty much everyone because sometimes, I'd like to be that person. The one that gets appreciated and accepted by everyone. The one that constantly gets told he looks good and the one that always has strong self-confidence. I want to look good but I'm afraid my genes aren't of the beautiful nature, I suppose. If I looked good, people would tell me all the time because that's how it is on the internet - if one looks good, then he'll be the one that people constantly hits on.

Every single day that passes me by, I think I forget more and more about the beauty around me. The world can be beautiful sometimes but nowadays it seems so vague in my head; I only focus on the ugly and the negative. I sincerely don't see much hope and happiness any longer - it's all fading. I know I am a very energetic and happy person in real life but my motivation is cut shorter by the day. I have even noticed myself that when I instruct, I am more serious as of late. I have changed my tone of voice a bit. It's a very bad sign. I need someone to save me, someone who can pull me up from the hole I'm falling through. But there ain't one in sight.

The person I have been interested in lately clearly ain't the one cause he's never shown any interest - he never even checks my community profile when it's updated with new pictures and info, so that's like... Yeah, that's a clear sign of showing no interest. In fact, he hasn't visited my page once since I started talking to him. Now it's up to him if he's interested - I ain't saying a word to him until he either shows interest by starting up a conversation or by whatever could mean to show interest.

The world was beautiful during 2007 but it has rapidly withered, at least with these recent events. Is there anyone who can save it?

I'm sick of wasting my time

Sometimes I find I can't touch the ground
On my own
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but still drown
This life I've outgrown
Sometimes it feels like I'm up but I'm still down
Yes I know
Sometimes, sometimes, there's no one else around
I'm alone

Am I the only one in the world who doesn't drink alcohol? Why is it that I have to be such a fucking fucktard about it? Everybody's drinking! Everybody gets drunk! Everybody gets a hangover! And I happen to be someone who finds it unattractive and I become more saddened for each person that I happen to like that, oh, oops, went and got drunk! I get so depressed everytime a person I'm interested in goes and gets drunk. And guess what, I'm bloody sick of it! It's inevitable. Everybody gets drunk, there's not one person out there that I will ever find that never drinks! What to do about it? Blow my brains out so that the problems cease cause I for sure can't live like this!? Getting sad and down and all fucky everytime it happens sure isn't my way of having fun especially when EVERYBODY I meet will do it, whooopiddddoooo, 60 years of pure depression and whining about not finding someone to love for life! Yeah, yeah, bring it on!

I wish I could learn to not get depressed but I CANNOT! Stupid, crappy mind of mine! Fuck it to hell! I am done with this shit!

Sure feels good

My legs are so heavy and sore right now. Started off with an energetic and smashing BODYCOMBAT 34 (35% more kicks, mind you) early in the morning and then had a 15 minutes break. I went back into the studio, put on BODYCOMBAT 32 and did the warm-up plus the first combat-track and then I was ready for the kick challenge: 200 Roundhouse kicks each side, without putting the foot down in between. I've done this killer many times before so I knew what I was getting into but I wanted to take it a step further this time. I completed the challenge (It felt easier than usual? Have I gotten more endurable or did I slack a bit? I don't know) and to take it to a step further, I walked out into the gym to pump some more blood into my legs - The hamstrings-machine (Name evades me) and calf-presses (I think this is the name, it works the shins) but I really cranked up the resistance cause I've realized I usually lay off a bit when I'm lifting weights. It was really, really hard but it felt so good afterwards.

I proceeded to do some flies using a machine (chest) with increased resistance, bench presses, flies while lying on a bench and some biceps exercises. My chest was really tight afterwards, I pushed myself harder than ever before and it felt and still feels really good.

Stay with me (unlikely)

I can't believe it! I've gone and gotten myself a new crush. I finally realize it. And I hate it because when I get a crush, it's a seriously big one and I'll always let it decide how I feel. If I don't get to talk to the person I'll get depressed and I'll be devastated if I notice ANY little indication whatsoever that he is not the smallest bit interested in me as well. When, or if, he writes anything that even by a long-shot could mean he is slightly interested in me, I will go crazy and tell my friends. It's just so typical! I wish I could change the way I act but it's so hard...

I don't want to have a crush on him because he is clearly not interested (remember him with the double messages, sometimes he'd give vibes that he's interested and sometimes not?) and I'm only fooling myself if I think that he is. GOD DAMN IT! I am so sick of this!

As if that wasn't enough, today is stormy and rainy like hell and my shoes are leaking. It rains pretty much everyday and my shoes leak. GREAT, wet socks everytime I put my foot outside the door! And oh, did I say it was blowing outside? GOD DAMN IT, again!

All I really want is for him to tell me he's interested. Or show some interest by flirting or something similar. Please. :(

See me through

What is it really that sparks an interest in us for another person? Is it their looks? Their voice? Their interests? Could it be their clothes? Or their body language? Maybe it's their humour? Granted, it could also be a combination of many things but what is it really that activates the mechanism inside our bodies that gives us that tickling feeling in our stomach everytime we think of that particular person?
How is it that when you are in love with somebody, you fail to see his or her faults? Is our mind really so naive and narrow that it can become overclouded with love?

I probably sound like an old broken record but could it also be that we simply long for somebody to love that we tell ourselves that we like the person more than we really do and hence, we refuse to see the negative sides? I am guilty of this. Guilty of being so in love that my common sense has been clouded, that I refused to see any faults and even though I was repeatedly being "told" there would be no way him and I could be together, my mind still insisted on being in love. Was this just a result of wanting somebody to love combined with telling myself that I've gotten gay vibes from him and didn't want to accept a "no" as an answer because my brain had decided that it was possible for us to be together, if only he'd admit it to himself? Shouldn't the mind be quite turned off when it's being told off by the one it's interested in? It is the complete opposite of what it wants to hear and it is the call that it needs to stop pumping all those acids or electrons or whatever it is to the stomach that results in the knots and tickles. But yet, sometimes it just won't give up.

So there has to be either something really, really unique about some people or we are really just desperate for someone to hold and love. I don't think that the unique thing really can be so easily described as "he looks good" or "she has great humour" - what about subtle and unnoticeable signals that are only picked up by our subconsciousness? Scents that we emit but that only our subconsciousness can smell? I'm not saying the looks or humour or whatever you want to hit me with ain't PART of the reason why you fell in love, but I think there has to be something more to it. I know there are a couple of flaws to this theory because it's possible to find interest in someone over the internet (but I doubt it could ever be deep, real love until you met each other). But then, could it be that the person reminds of somebody you've previously liked in terms of writing style and perhaps looks? Your mind remembers that once you really liked a person and this new person reminds of him/her, so you expect that they'll be just what you want.

I've come to this conclusion because all three recent interests of mine have written smilies without spaces after a word (a small thing to the naked eye perhaps but here comes the subconsciousness again), sort of like this:P, if you understand?:D The first one of these that I found interest in was the one I was in love with for almost 1,5 years - Jonathan - and I knew him in real life too. Then I found Johan and he wrote in the same way. Their styles were actually very similar to each other. The third one? Same. Even their slang is the same.

I believe this is the subconscious speaking. The mind thinks that just because these other people write like Jonathan and look as good as Jonathan, it tricks itself into thinking that the person behind the screen will be just like him, too, and hence you get a crush on him or her because maybe this time, you'll have a chance.

I have also gotten comments that I seem to think that guys who look young with long and "cute" eyelashes look good. All three of these had these traits, including a fourth one who I just found to look very good. The eyelashes thing is nothing I had ever thought about until someone pointed it out to me.

I think that I will, in my subconsciousness (yeah, yeah I sound really cool using that word but there aren't many synonyms to use), draw comparisons to the original, big love (Jonathan) and will be drawn to people of similar traits to him and the evidence is already here. I used to find it a bit childish and annoying when people wrote smilies without spaces but now it seems I love it because Jonathan used to do it and I had a crush on him.

Worth thinking about. Next time you feel attracted to a person, draw comparisons, even the smallest of details, to the previous one (if it was a big crush/love) and you'll probably see a couple of similarities! ;-)

Free your mind

Wow, I didn't know I could fall so easily "in love" with people over the internet. I'm always quite the skeptic, always expecting people to not be who they are and that they won't be the same in real life as on the internet. But truthfully, I think I'm there again, at least being quite interested in one person. There's a slight problem, however, that I can't seem to tackle; he gives me strange vibes. Some that says he is interested in me and some that says he isn't. Usually you can tell if a person is interested but this is strange, I get a good mixture of both and I just don't know how to interpret everything. Is he interested in me or are all those "positive" vibes just a friendly and loving side of his?

I hope for the best.

I can't stand it

Right now I am pissed at Expressen.se's tests/quizzes! I have tried doing three of them and each time it has stopped working near the end of it! It just refuses to load the next question. It's incredibly annoying!!! Fix the sodding site!

Let it hit 'em

Why do people ask "who are you?" on communities and sites like that?

I have a presentation of myself where it states my age, my sexual orientation (on QX, because it's a community for homo-, trans- and bisexual people), where I live, what I seek (in terms of what people do I seek) and I have written a presentation where I shortly inform how my friends probably would describe me as a person, then I've written about some of my interests plus that I am an instructor in BODYCOMBAT, about my music and finally I have also linked to my blog, to my "bilddagboken.se" site and a YouTube-video where I and two friends recorded a not-so-serious commercial movie once. I have about 5-6 pictures of myself and I am a member of about 20 clubs. Enough, right? No. Cause there's also a little feature called "Show Facts" that one can click and there I have stated:

My origin - I'm north European.
Profession - I'm a student, studying culture/media.
Constitution - 169 cm, athletic, hair
Hair - short cut, brown, untidy
Eyes - blue, no glasses
Facial hair - smooth
Headwear - none
Clothing style - jeans, skater/street, sporty, vest
Openness - everybody knows
Faith - atheist
Child/parenting - want to have child/children, don't want child/children
Personality - romantic, curious, faithful, happy, mischievous, impulsive, intellectual, philosophical, dramatic, mean, crazy, honest, caring, cuddly, kind, adventurous, mature, shy, humble and negligent
Music - pop/rock, hard rock, punk/protest/alternative, techno/house/dance
Forms of art - films/video/dvd, photo, drawing/cartoons
Scenes - film festival, concert/music festival
Nightlife - café, restaurant, pride/festival, cruising, amusement park
Like to do - watch tv/film, travel, surf on the internet, games, sport/athletics, pets, create music, create art, shopping, take walks
Interests - fashion, health, technique/computing, history/archeology, media, design/architecture, language

... AND YET .....

People ask: "who are you?".

I'm speechless.

Angry chair

I have spoken about this before but I feel it's time to whine about it again.

As I was on the train on the way home from Uddevalla (had been instructing) a couple of days ago, I sat near two teenagers who had brought a laptop with them. On this laptop, they apparently watched some sitcom and knowing teenagers who have no awareness of the world around them, they had the sound turned on. I try to focus on my music only but it's hard when I keep hearing the god damn added laughters to the show. "HAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA" for every single "funny" line said. Sometimes they had thrown in applauses too. Whoopedidoo!

It's just as annoying as a crying baby.

When are teenagers (I write teenagers cause I have yet to see a grown-up person do it) gonna learn to not share their fucking music and other noises when around people?!

I'm alive

If I have ever felt miserable it's now. I've got the flu complete with sneezing, light headache and feeling weak. As if that wasn't enough, as a result from yesterday's BODYPUMP I have insane soreness in my left bicep (remember what I said about it? the right bicep isn't sore at all!), my triceps, my chest muscles, my shoulders, between my shoulder-blades and in my adductors and quadriceps. I feel so weak I think I'm about to break down! All the sneezing and nose wiping is killing me!

I feel sorry for myself now. :(

On fire

Sodding hell! I just instructed BODYCOMBAT 34 and afterwards, I decided to stay for the BODYPUMP (64). And I always give 101% in BODYCOMBAT.
Wow. I thought the warm-up was hard, I could barely do all of the shoulder presses cause I was getting such lactic acid already. Amazing. Wow, so how would I be able to get through the rest of the class!? I don't know how I did it. I even had to take my own break in the Chest track cause it was so heavy, my shoulders just gave up so I sat up and stretched a bit and then tortured myself for the rest of the track. CRAZY!

And I never thought the back tracks were particularly hard. But I had to eat those thoughts. BODYCOMBAT 34 is extremely heavy on the shoulder blades and back and I was soooo sore during the track.

Then for triceps, I decided I have to use very little weight. I only used 2,5kg+1kg (each side) on the bar and it was almost too easy but I thought that it would get harder when we repeat the dips, trench presses and the other exercise. But no, the track ended suddenly when it was just getting hard and I'm like: "Oookay, what the hell?" and got quite turned off cause I felt I didn't get anything out of it. Biceps was hard though, but strangely I only felt it in my left bicep? I dunno what I did but my left bicep was giving up but my right bicep hardly felt anything.

Lunge-track was quite hard. I like the backwards stepping ones. :P

Shoulder track was a NIIIIIGHTMARE! Never do BODYCOMBAT before BODYPUMP. I guess I don't have to say any more than that.

Abs was WAY too easy and I did the hover instead of the bar roll. Then I used a 10kg plate but I didn't quite feel it.

Anyway, my legs are sooooooore. Worst part is that in order to get to the train station from the gym, I have to walk up like 50 stair-steps and 2 km of upward slopes (okay, not 2 km but it felt like that). I was about to start crying. Hahahaha. BODYCOMBAT 34 has 35% more kicks too, than previous releases so imagine how my legs feel! :D

In the perfect world...

Have you ever wondered if a perfect world, an utopia, would work? Imagine there are no crimes committed, no harm, everybody likes each other, everything is free, no racism, no dictatorships, no homophobia, you can get anyone you want, no war, no starving, no disasters... You get the point. I know it would be impossible but let's pretend it was possible and it happened. How would it feel? Would it actually be so perfect as it seems? I think our minds can't imagine how it would be since it's quite inferior (relatively speaking), just as we can't understand infinity. A perfect world, while being everything we wanted, would be quite bland, I think. There would not be much variation and so on. Of course, if it was all perfect, we wouldn't notice, but since it's not all perfect don't you think we would miss all the discussions, the opinions and heated debates? Wouldn't we miss the intrigues, the excitement of finding a new beloved person after a long search, consoling a dear friend and feeling empathic, et cetera?

I'll say no thanks to a perfect world even though I would like some of the stuff I have mentioned. Like being able to get whoever you want. But who wouldn't want that? ;-)

Remember

Boo.

Long time, no see.

There's really nothing to complain about at the moment (haha) and nothing excessively exciting to tell you. Life moves on like usual, school has opened its doors again and the last couple of months ever are ahead of me now. I will miss these times so much, we've had so much fun during the years and I have gained many new acquaintances and friends. Of course, I will never miss the actual lessons and homework but the people and the fun will be sorely missed.

I just hope I won't lose any of my friends. Sara is going to Germany for some months to pursue one of her dreams (I suppose) and she wouldn't dare to stay in Germany for longer than 9 months, we would miss her so much we would probably start cutting ourselves! I hope the rest of my friends (you know who you are) stays within reasonable reach for as long as possible.

Geesh, I'm speaking as if graduation day was tomorrow. It's still a couple of months away so I'm gonna leave the subject for now.