Just rewards

The world never ceases to amaze me.

Frequently, you hear about the odd person biting the dust by getting hit by a train. Every single time I wonder how incredibly stupid the person must be. There is absolutely no excuse for getting hit by a train - if it is by accident, that is. Okay, there is one excuse: you are blind. But none of these people getting hit nowadays are blind and if they are then they are excluded anyway.
You are able to actually see the train coming, it does not come at the speed of light (some trains move very fast though but you are still able to both hear and see it) and if the people gotten hit had bothered to look (which seems to me like common sense) around before crossing the tracks, the accident would never have happened. The train even horns if it is out on the country (where it moves at highest speed) and if it's in the middle of a city it will slow down so you are very much able to see it beforehand. I just cannot imagine how it is possible to get hit by a sodding train (unless you are committing suicide but that is fucking selfish - think of the driver, you will put him in incredible shock, maybe even ruin his life because you're selfish and ain't got the guts to hang or shoot yourself however you are still selfish because of all your friends and family that you leave behind, wrecked and shocked).

I am serious when I say that I have no sympathy for the people getting run over by trains. It is their own fault. Even if they die, they could have prevented it by logical means. It's a fact. That does not mean I think it is right that they die, because nobody deserves to die but it is still a very dumb way to die.

You're welcome

I saw a little boy on a bike in front of me on the way home today and he was holding an ice cream in his hand. He was tiny and so was his bike. I kept imagining he would drop the ice cream cause the boy on a bike plus an ice cream didn't look so smooth. I just waited for the moment he would drop the ice cream but it never came. I actually chuckled for a second, walking, imagining him being so disappointed by dropping it. Had he actually dropped the thing I'd burst out laughing, mostly due to the fact I kept imagining it.

:)

Some assembly required

One of my teachers yesterday got on my nerves. We had agreed upon meeting at 12.05 so I could borrow the camera and shoot Oscar (Seven sins project - he's Wrath). I wait outside the office at 12.05 and I wait... And wait... And wait... 12.30 she opens the door to a classroom and just says "hi" and tells us (me and Maria) there are a couple of students here from another school. I tell her "I've waited here 25 minutes for you..." and she replies: "Oh." ... I tell her I need to borrow the camera and she says something I can't hear and walks back into the classroom to those two students and acts as if I never said I needed to borrow the camera and as if she didn't leave me waiting for 25 minutes. I feel myself losing my temper so I say in a bit of an annoyed tone: "Oscar is waiting for, I need to borrow the camera now!" and she goes: "Oh yeah, right." She then walks into the office and hands me the camera. Wow. Finally. And she didn't even apologize, not only did she make me wait, she made Oscar wait too.

Disrespectful...

I'll be happy til the day I die

There was a time when I'd sit in front of the computer, late at night, listening to the happiest songs I've ever heard and almost crying because of the happiness I felt. I'd listen to a selected few songs every night and just felt like exploding. I felt so in love, I felt so happy when listening to those songs. I'd pump up the volume in my headphones and just feel the synthesizers and bass drift through every vein in my body. Such a rush!

The songs were hardcore. Hardcore can just be so happy sometimes. Shallow music, you say? I've actually tried making this kind of music and it's much harder than making a song with instruments. You have to filter everything, you have to come up with a nice melody (much harder than it sounds), you have to play with the frequencies and the equalizers for every little sound. You also have to work on breakdowns, build-ups and breaks. It's not a simple thing. I've tried making a non-electronic song and found it much easier. It's just not as hard. So saying one can just grab a software and make techno music... well... No. You can't. Well, you can make sounds but you cannot make a great tune out of it if you don't tweak it right.

It's hard to describe how happy the choons made me. I'd just sit there, with a huge smile on my face and being extremely hyper. Wow. But I'm afraid of doing it again because part of the happiness was due to being so in love with Jonathan and then the tunes would amplify the feelings. That was actually before I really got to know him (like adding him on MSN) and I've learnt my lesson lately to not go into those moods because I will just be so depressed the second it ends. I know now that he is not interested and never will be (but I've actually heard stories on QX that it's possible to turn a straight person or at least make him spend the night with you, if you know what I mean, but I lack the charisma to persuade him or anyone else for that matter, I can't even get a gay person interested in me) so I am trying not to think about him.

Progress? Doing well so far. I still have my tendencies, like always when I check my friends-list on Bilddagboken.se I will check his status and a couple of other tendencies regarding him. I try not to but I can't help myself and I hate myself everytime I do it. But I've actually managed to think about him without feeling butterflies in my stomach (only because I persuade myself that I'm not in love with him :P). I'm trying my best. It's not really an easy thing - to fight your own feelings.

If anybody is interested (I doubt it though, the only person I guess reading my blog is Sara and she hates that kind of music (oh, and Emelie but she probably hates it too!)) here are the happy, happy tunes I listened to during those nights:

Eclipse - Be Happy (Brisk & Vagabond Remix)
Flip 'n' Fill - Field Of Dreams (Hixxy Remix)
Ham, Demo & Justin Time - Here I Am (Ham's 2005 Remix)

Folie à plusieurs

I don't understand religious people (especially Christians). No offence to them as individuals but their beliefs and sometimes behaviour are freaky and in a fashion: scary. All their talk about god (look, I write that with a lower case 'g', how rioting of me) is just plain, downright freaky! They say he (lower case again, I'm in trouble now, ain't I) is almighty and that everybody should follow his set of rules? That homosexuals shouldn't 'be', that it's a sin to do this and that and that everybody should bow down to him. If that isn't fascism, then I don't know what is. The people who made god up and wrote down all the things in the Bible must have been power greedy lunatics! I wouldn't wanna meet them. I don't understand how anybody is willing to accept what the Bible says is required of them!

Worse is how they try to force their beliefs on other people. According to them, "god damn" is blasphemy and they require the word to be censored if used publicly. Okay, so if that is to be censored then can we censor everything they say about god too? I don't wanna hear it, I find it offending to be taught that god doesn't like me being homosexual or that homosexual people aren't allowed to get legally married. If I argue against a Christian person regarding that subject then I will get a shitload of citations from the Bible thrown at me, get told that I will go to hell and yada, yada, yada. Enough already! If they don't want us to use "the Lord's" name in vain situations such as "god damn" then I demand they stop their bullshit and keep their mouth in public shut about god and the Bible. Fair enough? Oh, oh, and I want to be able to get legally married. I'm not really interested in getting married but everybody should have the same rights.

Okay, not all Christians are like this, but a part of them are. I have no problem with them as individual people but if they start talking about god using spooky language as "It's the Lord's will that I do this" then I will wince and take a step away from them. It's scary stuff, yo?

Biogenesis

It began with an act of supreme violence - a big bang expanding ever outward, cosmos born of matter and gas, matter and gas ten billion years ago. Whose idea was this? Who had the audacity for such invention? And the reason? Were we part of that plan ten billion years ago? Are we born only to die? To be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth before giving way to our generations? If there is a beginning, must there be an end? We burn like fires in our time only to be extinguished. To surrender to the elements' eternal reclaim. Matter and gas... will this all end one day? Life no longer passing to life, the Earth left barren like the stars above, like the cosmos. Will the hand that lit the flame let it burn down? Let it burn out? Could we, too, become extinct? Or if this fire of life living inside us is meant to go on, who decides? Who tends the flames? Can he reignite the spark even as it grows cold and weak?

From space, it seems an abstraction - a magician's trick on a darkened stage. And from this distance one might never imagine that it is alive. It first appeared in the sea almost four billion years ago in the form of single-celled life. In an explosion of life spanning millions of years, nature's first multicellular organisms began to multiply... and then it stopped. 440 million years ago, a great mass extinction would kill off nearly every species on the planet leaving the vast oceans decimated and empty. Slowly, plants began to evolve, then insects, only to be wiped out in the second great mass extinction upon the Earth. The cycle repeated again and again. Reptiles emerging, independent of the sea only to be killed off. Then dinosaurs, struggling to life along with the first birds, fish, and flowering plants - their decimations Earth's fourth and fifth great extinctions. Only 100,000 years ago, Homo Sapiens appear - man. From cave paintings to the bible to Columbus and Apollo 11, we have been a tireless force upon the earth and off cataloguing the natural world as it unfolds to us. Rising to a world population of over five billion people all descended from that original single cell, that first spark of life. But for all our knowledge, what no one can say for certain, is what or who ignited that original spark. Is there a plan, a purpose or a reason to our existence? Will we pass, as those before us, into oblivion, into the sixth extinction that scientists warn is already in progress?

- The X-Files, S06E22.

Happy anniversary

Went over to Amanda's house yesterday and celebrated her 18th birthday!! We had dinner with champagne, gave her presents and played a board game - Mr. Bean! Haha.. Crazy! But it was great fun!!

Before that, I and Sara went to a shopping center and I bought a new hooded shirt and a present for Amanda. :)

Breathless

Hahahaaa, today's BODYCOMBAT at Sportlife was amazing! I said I was going to switch 'Girlfriend' with 'Hymn' (BC28), right? I did and when the track was over, I heard one of them say "oh my god!" and they were all panting! Then I asked if they had any energy left and they said "no!" and kept gasping for air!!!! That was so awesome!!! :D

If they're not working hard enough, trust 'Hymn' to teach them a lesson!

I also got an "invitation" today from Linda at Sportlife, asking if I could teach a special BODYCOMBAT-class for her handball-team next Tuesday and Tuesday in two weeks! It sounds like it will be fun, so I said sure and now I'm looking forward to it. I think I'm gonna teach BC33 but switch 'Girlfriend' with 'Hymn' and 'Run To The Hills' with 'So What!' (BC27). Might switch the fourth track too, with 'Rock Me Amadeus' (BC30) due to it being easier for them to grasp the evasive side-kick. We'll see.

Existence

Isn't the mind's eye a strange and peculiar thing? How is it possible to produce an image in your head, that can look so real? How does it work? I don't know what is stranger - the fact one can create an image or that we are able to see the image not with our eyes but within our minds. It is possible to look at an object with your eyes and at the same time see something else inside your brain, but the image you see in the brain does not cloud the actual thing you see. Think about it. Why can we even see an image that is not perceived by our eyes? How does the actual brain manage to put together an image that we have never seen in our life but yet it looks so real? Example: I picture Sara's body but with an elephant head. In my head, it looks flawless but I've never ever seen an elephant's head on Sara's body nor will I ever do it (unless I take some ecstasy I guess). So how does my brain know how it will look then, how can I even THINK how it would look? I guess it all comes down to imagination but the questions still remain... It's the same with hearing somebody speak in your head - you can make a person say whatever dirty stuff to you (I've tried, hahaaaa, busted!) but you've never heard the person say some of those words, yet you can imagine it perfectly in your head!

It's so amazing what the human body can do. Why do I sometimes feel knots in my stomach when I think of Jonathan (I suppose the easy answer is the body releases a fluid, triggered by the thought of someone you're having a crush on, but I'm digging even deeper than that; how is this fluid created? Why does the fluid create this feeling? Why in the stomach?)? Why can we feel happiness, sadness (again with the fluids; again with the questions) and so forth?

I wonder how the human body was created. Don't give me the usual theories (they're crap anyway) because how does a brain, a heart and all the other organs just materialize and then into one perfectly functioning individual? And how was the universe created? There had to be something before the first thing (the universe?) was created, right? So if there was something before the first thing was created, then the first thing wasn't the first thing, correct? How did this thing before the first thing appear then? It had to come from something too. What was the thing before the thing before the first thing? I could go on forever. Something can't just be by the snap of a finger. There has to be something before the very first thing but if we go by that logic then there could never be a first thing. The universe couldn't just have appeared! Doesn't it make you dizzy just thinking about it?! It sure does my head in...

I wonder, will we ever figure it out?

Snap!

Oh, I photographed Rebecca today for my project in school, along with Emma and Johan. She got 'envy' (one of the seven deadly sins) and it went great! I think I got many awesome pictures however I can't transfer them to my computer because the person who last borrowed the camera didn't return the USB-cable... So I will have to wait until tomorrow.

Thanks for the photos, Hixxy! Outstanding model, I think those 'normal' shots will be really, really good! We'll have to wait and see, don't we. :)

Ascension

What a mighty wicked world we live in, eh. I mean, it's totally out of control. There is the climate issue and what do people do to help? Fucking nothing. They litter the streets and they're so lazy that they take the car instead of walking, taking the bike or bus. I guess what irritates me most is the sodding littering. Come on, knock it off! Not only is it harmful to our planet but it is also unnecessary work for the people who have to pick it up after YOU. If you know you can't handle hanging onto a little plastic wrapping or a bottle then I wonder how you handle consuming it. It has to be, physically, more demanding to actually remove the, for example, wrapping, move the candy bar to your mouth with your hand and arm, open your mouth, stick it in and bite off a chunk and then chew it. Repeat the process as needed. Compare that to actually putting the weightless plastic in your pocket or keeping it in your hand until you reach a trash bin. Think about the way that you live today or I swear you will pay the price sooner or later. Not only because of you but because there are millions of other people like you and you all play an equal part in corrupting nature. It isn't much to ask for, is it?

There's this guy at the gym I instruct at. He lives five (5!) minutes by foot from the gym and he openly admits that he takes the car or his moped everyday. Give me a break! He also says that he isn't lazy, because he works-out a lot at the gym. Okay, what the hell? That isn't my point. The point is that if only he could use his feet to either walk or bike there, he would do our planet a small favor.
But I guess that's what a driver's license does to you. It makes you lazy. Before you would walk those five minutes but now that you're eligible to drive a car you think: Ah what the hell, I might as well take the car! and not only does that makes you lazy, but you contribute to corrupting the planet. Mother Nature would like to thank you for your co-operation!

Now, I am not perfect but I do my very best to ensure I do as little harm as possible. I always hold onto trash, I can hold on to it for hours if that's what it takes (and I have actually done that a couple of times... sometimes I've even forgotten about the plastic in my hand so I've walked around with it for ages, haha...) and I've decided I don't want a driver's license yet because I'm very confident that will make me lazy too. I don't want to fall into that trap. I love to walk and I will continue to do it for as long as I can. If I need to get somewhere, I'll take the bus or the train. On rare occasions I will ask my dad for a ride but that's pretty much only if it's an emergency. I'm not ashamed to say this; If people were more like me regarding these issues, the world would be a better place.

But knowing human nature, this will never change. We will continue to litter and destroy the planet until the end of time and we will all have to suffer the consequences. We have only ourselves to thank.

Oops!

Anybody can write a comment now! I had put it on "Only logged in" for some reason but now everybody can!

Just accept it

Heh, it feels a bit better about Jonathan now, actually. We talked a bit about it and it was really needed, I tell you. I got to explain things, he really made it clear there's a snowball's chance in hell that it would ever lead anywhere beyond 'friends'. I think I really needed to hear it directly from him instead of just having these assumptions. I was terrified that I had ruined our friendship and I was so ashamed of myself. I was really, really ashamed because of how he felt about me writing those things about him. I felt like a dog that had done something inappropriate.

Anyway, he said it was fine and that I hadn't ruined the friendship. It made me feel better. In fact, I think the very much needed confirmation that it won't lead anywhere has finally made every part of me realize that it is actually true and it's time to let it go now. I'm working on it... But it's probably gonna take some time.

The big sleep

I did not just skip today's first two classes... /whistles innocently.

I was tired, okay! :D But, but I am going to school now! In a few minutes! Promise!

Check your head

NEW LINK!!! I put the wrong link first!

http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21598,22492511-5005375,00.html

Freaky stuff!!! I couldn't get it to move counter-clockwise, it only moved clockwise for me. I linked it to Daniel and he said he could only get it to move counter-clockwise, haha. So according to that thing I use my right part of my brain more than the left, but looking at the list I actually believe I use the left one more.

Right between the eyes

Wouldn't you guess the oh so perfect day turned out to be quite irritating? Okay so I get ready to go to the gym for BODYCOMBAT, alright? I figured I'd take the bus because the weather was quite bad, however I am all done a bit too late so I have to hurry and when I get to the bus stop I have 1 minute to spare. Wow!
There comes this girl who wanders into the bus stop "hub" (for lack of a better term, can't be arsed looking it up) and almost pushes me as she bursts down onto the seat. Ooookay. As I stand there and wait (the bus is late) she decides to light a cigarette. Oh, thank you, Miss. She's sitting like 20 cm from me and lights a fucking smoke. Disrespectful like nothing else. So I clearly show her how I feel by going away, standing a couple of meters away from her and then in front of me comes another woman with two kids, and the woman happens to be smoking. So yet again, I get to inhale even more smoke. Poor kids. This woman looked like a whore. No offence but she had green eyeshadow on the (from my view) right eye and brown eyeshadow on the other eye. I wonder how she got those kids...

8 freaking minutes late is the buss! And since the BODYCOMBAT class starts at 5:30 PM and the bus is supposed to arrive there at the stop at 5:03 PM you can tell I get a bit stressed. I get on the bus and guess what! The driver is some woman who apparently doesn't realize she's almost 10 minutes late. I think I could have walked faster than she was driving! I almost felt like going up to her to tell her to STEP ON THE GAS!!

Whoopidoo, I arrive at the gym 6 minutes prior to the start of the BODYCOMBAT class. Yay! Well, at least I made it. The class was great, thanks Unni for teaching another awesome class! :)

School hard

Oh, today is a great day! I've only got two classes on Mondays, the first starting at noon. We were told last week that the first one would be canceled today, so I would start at 1:45 PM. Anyway, I drag my feet to school with some new track that I downloaded yesterday pumping in my ears and notice I am a wee bit late (as usual, in other words :P) and when I'm outside the classroom I meet Zana and she tells me the teacher is home, taking care of his sick kid, which means this class is also canceled. Yay, a day off, sorta!

I need a stylist... badly. I am not particularly good at making my hair look cool. :(

Special delivery

I just learned that my oldest sister is pregnant! Woohoo! I'm going to be an uncle! :P Pretty weird that my little sister told me and not the actual pregnant sister (who lives in London)...

Mundian to bach ke

BODYCOMBAT 33 is going good. I think the participants like it very much and I do, too, except for tracks 5 and 7. Next week I'll probably switch track 5 ('Girlfriend', it's way too easy) with 'Hymn' from BODYCOMBAT 28! The hardest track 5 ever, in my opinion. It's so simple but so exhausting!
Generally, I would wait 6 weeks or so before mixing but it feels like I've taught it for an eternity already. But I feel 'Girlfriend' is too easy so it needs to go!

Then in a couple of weeks, I will probably switch 'Run To The Hills' (track 7) too. And track 4 with 'Rock Me Amadeus' (so they can practice those jump kicks that come in BODYCOMBAT 34, since the class hasn't done any jump kicks yet (the gym launched BODYCOMBAT on release 32, which had no jump kicks either)).

Crash

I can't do it. No matter what I try, no matter how hard I try; it is impossible and god knows (though I doubt he exists) it wrecks me. If I had control over my own feelings and most importantly: sexuality, then my life wouldn't be like this. Seriously, unrequited love should be considered a method of torture because I am ready to rip my guts out to end the butterflies in my stomach, to end the constant depression and to rid of the false hopes and feelings. It is one of the worst things I have experienced in my short, hell of a life.

EVERY SINGLE DAY I have to endure the god damn knots in my stomach. There was this time when I thought my feelings for him [Jonathan] had come to an end; I forced myself to not talk to him and it worked wonders, I actually felt better! After a while I needed models for a project in school and since he's really nice and soft I immediately thought that Jonathan (and a couple others, but this is about him) should be one of them, that he would be easy to work with so I started up a conversation on MSN for the first time in weeks and started explaining and then asked him if he was interested. Jonathan approved. That was awesome.

The coming weeks we talked a bit more again and I started feeling in love again. I was terrified, I just wanted to hideaway and cry and forget about everything in my life. Not again! Then came the day we had the photo shoot and he modeled for "Gluttony" (seven deadly sins, ya know) and that was so cool! I was right; he was really easy to work with. And he's cute as ever (but I gotta say the camera I had made him look a couple of years younger which was a bit of a shame). I snapped the pictures I needed and we hung out a while. Great day, really awesome! I didn't really feel anything that day other than those "friend"-feelings, yeah?

But the day after. Man. A nice description: Imagine a car crashing into a huge truck. The car is totaled. As if that was enough, there comes a buss and crashes into the rear of the car (what's left of it, anyway). I am that car.

The day after was his birthday and I saw him in the corridor and went up to hug him (I always hug people on their birthdays, don't think I did it only because it was him, but to tell you the truth: I had thought about it just because it was him and pondered whether or not it would be appropriate to do it, considering the circumstances (he knows I'm _in love_ with him)) and I felt extremely silly the following 5 minutes. I just wanted to fade away. But it felt better later.

Then yesterday, there was this party... Lots of people, including him. And all I could think about was how miserable it is that he is this fucking nice guy that looks great but IS NOT IN THE VERY LEAST GAY IN ANY SENSE OF THE WORDS! That is just not fair.
And it's not fair to him either, that he hurts me by just existing. He can't do anything about it and I don't know if he cares or thinks about it, but if he does he should know that he doesn't have to feel bad about it cause it's nothing he is in control of. He can't help it that I'm gay, he can't help it that he's not gay and he can certainly not help it that I'm having the biggest crush of the millennium on him. I actually almost felt like crying when I wrote this, I feel so sorry for him and I hate the situation more than he does. I wish him and I could be just friends, without my feelings for him. But it's funny, I don't feel in love with him when he hang - it usually comes afterwards.

Help.