Spatial Inversion

Top 10 Xbox 360 Games of 2008

2009-01-05T14:01:00.017+01:00

10. Dark Sector
- Yeah, I really digged this game. It feels like a Gears of War clone but Gears of War doesn't have the glaive! I love what you can do with the glaive, it's a very satisfying weapon. Overall, the game is quite short but exciting with gorgeous visuals and great gameplay, and with the glaive. Yeah, I'm sold on this game thanks to the glaive. Come on, admit it, it is fun!

09. Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
- I've think I've written about this game twice already so I won't say much about other than, despite its bugs and glitches, it's incredibly fun to play, to just go rampant with the Force Lightning or whatever your favourite Force Power is. :D

08. Tomb Raider Underworld
- The Tomb Raider series have undergone some changes in the past few years, since Crystal Dynamics took over from Core. Tomb Raider Underworld is the sequel to "Legends", and I admit I didn't play that game so luckily, there's a "Previously on..." video available to watch to catch up with the story. The visuals are terrific - especially the Thailand level. There are two underwater levels in this game that are just awesome, the first one had me gasping because it looks really good. Wow! There's plenty of puzzles (which I love) and acrobatics but not so much action and no bosses except a final boss (I thought that was strange, hmm). If you don't liked Tomb Raider before then your opinion won't change with this game, but if you are a Tomb Raider fan then you will probably love this game.

07. Soul Calibur IV
- So finally came the sequel to the legendary beat 'em up (or is it Fighting these days?) series Soul Calibur! Did it deliver? Yes! But it doesn't live up to the greatness that was Soul Calibur II, but it's still a very good game. It introduces some new concept like the Soul Gauge - in short, if you guard too much your, er, soul will break and your opponent can, if quick enough, tap a button and end you instantly. This works good but I'd want something for the players that just tap one button and kill you that way, like some of my friends who just taps X repeatedly and gives me no chance to stand up or do anything. Oh well, Soul Calibur has always been casual! The game is still the best fighting game of 2008.

06. Ninja Gaiden II
- Blood! Bodyparts! More blood! This is the ultimate slasher of 2008! If you like sharp weapons that chop enemies into pieces or blunt weapons that crush them, then you will love this game. There's a load of weapons to choose from and you will be satisfied, I bet. My personal favourite is the huge Scythe, muhahaha. It all looks beautiful, too, all that blood. Storywise there isn't much to get from this game as that is probably the weakest point but it doesn't matter because this game is just meant to be a brainless slaughter fest!

05. Condemned 2: Bloodshot
- The anticipated sequel to Condemned: Criminal Origins. First-person horror at its best. It took me a while to get this game and I regret I didn't get it earlier. Once again, you play as Marcus. He's now living his life as a drunk and is one night plagued by visions and appearances, which is where the adventure starts off. This is truly a terrifying game and just like in the first game, the focus is on melee combat (but there are guns if you want to use them) which forces you to go up close and personal with the enemies which makes the game more challenging. There is now also a combo system in place which works well but it's really hard to master them because the enemies are ruthless. I played on hard and I found myself resorting to guns because it was so challenging, so I didn't experience the melee combat as much as I would have wanted to. If you like a scary game with a good story, challenging difficulty, and intense moments, then this is the game for you.

04. Prince Of Persia
- Forget all you know about the Sands Of Time-trilogy - this is Prince of Persia 2008! Ubi Soft has refined, modified and changed their Prince and the result is this beautiful game. This game feels more like art than a game, and it's a good thing. What you will notice early on in the game is the breathtaking visuals - the game looks fantastic and hosts a variety of different environments and in two forms - one corrupted version and one healed version. Gone is the emphasis on fighting - here you fight one bad guy at a time, at regular intervals as the focus is on acrobatics and exploring the beautiful world. When you do fight, forget button smashing, that doesn't work - instead you are invited to learn combos and practice tapping the right button at the right time. It all works really well and when the adventure was over, I sat there overwhelmed by the ending (I thought it was great) and feeling the urge to play it again - which I rarely feel after just finishing a game. The replay factor is HUGE because the game is so far away from being linear as possible - I don't think I've ever encountered a less linear game (bar RPGs) before.

03. Dead Space
- EA surprises big time with this sci-fi survival horror set on a, seemingly, deserted spaceship. This game is exactly what the survival horror genre needed, seeing as Resident Evil now has lost its roots and Alone In The Dark was a major disappointment (Silent Hill: Homecoming isn't out in Europe until February...). I've always felt like Dead Space is a game of the second Alien movie - there are many similarities in both the settings and the story - which I think is quite cool but also proves that there isn't much originality to the story. There's also a twist near the end of the game but I had it figured out long before, which was a shame. Dead Space is eerie and atmospheric, certainly not for those with a weak heart, but also gorey. There are also no real weapons in the game, you have to improvise with the different tools left behind by the miners, and it works really well. Ammo is scarce, too. There's also a change of the cliché that you gotta shoot them in the head - in this game, that's not the way to go, you gotta shoot the limbs off or else the monster might mutate. A very cool change that works great. This is everything you can ask for from a survival horror game and it really delivers, having moments of panic, moments of unsettling peace, and moments of action.

02. Gears Of War 2
- The sequel to last year's terrific third-person shooter delivers on pretty much all levels. It manages to feel fresh despite being so similar to its predecessor - much thanks to the various vehicle stages, the new weapons and the new multiplayer modes. This game has many awesome moments that just made me feel cool and in awe (how satisfying isn't the Rumak ride!?), and I'm itching to have another go at the campaign mode - this time on Insanity difficulty. The game also features a bit more humanity (in terms of feelings) and soul than the first game which is played out rather good by Dom. Gears 2 also introduces a couple of new characters and sees the return of many characters from Gears 1 - Cole is back and I just love his remarks and style, no matter how cliché they are! What doesn't boost this game up to #1 is the length of the campaign mode (it feels a tad short) and the music (at least in comparison to the #1 on this list). I am now eagerly awaiting Gears Of War 3 - teased by the very last few seconds of the ending. Bring it on!

01. Fallout 3
- Featuring over 100 hours of solid adventuring, the best soundtrack of the year, some great gameplay mechanics (like the V.A.T.S.), a massive, haunting world filled with locations and stuff to do, lots of freedom, and stellar graphics surely make this game, without a doubt, the best Xbox 360 game of 2008. It might even be one of the best games I have ever played in my life! Of course, the game has some bugs and graphical glitches but that doesn't matter when everything else in the game is so awesome. I also have Bethesda to thank for introducing me to such wonderful music - the music that plays on Galaxy News Radio is not only perfect for the post-apocalyptic world but it's also some damn good music and I have the entire soundtrack now. I never, ever, saw myself listening to music from the 40s. Thank you, Bethesda, for this very impacting game. Thank you!

Top 10 Original Mega Man Tunes

2008-12-21T01:03:00.004+01:00

Here's my top 10 list of the Original Mega Man music. This is a really hard one, except #1. That one was clear, but the rest...

10. Prologue Part 2 (Mega Man 4)
- One of the best tunes from Mega Man 4. However, MM4's tunes don't compare to MM2 and MM3. After MM4, it's like they ran out of imagination and just put together some random sounds. This Prologue theme has a cool vibe to it, similar to some of MM2's music.

09. Snake Man (Mega Man 3)
- Mega Man 3 had two boss names which you could horribly misinterpret - this is one of them and the other one is Hard Man... Yeah... Haha. Snake Man's music is awesome, it really clicks to me, but I don't think it's very popular amongst the majority which is a shame, cause I think it's really great.

08. Skull Man (Mega Man 4)
- While Mega Man 4 doesn't have many memorable tunes this is an exception though, cause Skull Man's theme is awesome! It's dark and not so uplifting. I also quite like that clapping sound that occurs in some parts of the song. Is it a clap? I don't know, but that's how I can best describe it.

07. Mega Man 3 Title Theme (Mega Man 3)
- This one would have been rated higher if it wasn't for the slow intro. The first part is quite dull, actually, but that second part kicks ass! I love, however, how the slow intro builds up into the explosion that is the second part! Catchy, like most of the music from the classics.

06. Crash Man (Mega Man 2)
- I hate the stage, I really do. But I love the music. It's another one of those catchy ones that lifts you up. Too bad I don't like the stage... :D

05. Mega Man 2 Title Theme (Mega Man 2)
- Catchy stuff! It gets you going, anticipates you for the action ahead (well, for the mere 2 seconds you'll listen to it before hitting "Start" :P). Stay and listen, it's a really cool tune. Reminds me a bit of the #1 on this list.

04. Spark Man (Mega Man 3)
- This sounds like some uplifting anthem! I wonder, whatever happened to the music after Mega Man 3? MM2 and MM3 both had wonderful music but after that, there's hardly any great tunes. Maybe it is because we played MM2 and MM3 most and the music stuck? But when I try to listen to the MM4-MM6 music I just find it to be very weird. How could they go so wrong, Spark Man's theme is an example of how it should sound - Catchy bleeps that captures you at once, but all that got lost after this game. Weird.

03. Flash Man (Mega Man 2)
- I think this one is a bit, I don't know, sad. Yes, sad. It's not so happy or driving but it's rather chilly and cool (yes, I know... the stage is made of ice). I love it, though. It sounds so different from a lot of the other tunes and this one also used to be my favourite stage when I was younger, so I think that's why I also love the tune. I loved everything about Flash Man. :D

02. Bubble Man (Mega Man 2)
- Mega Man 2 has definitely got the best music of the series. This one is for Bubble Man's water stage. It's not so "right-in-your-face" like most of the other tunes, but it's kinda relaxed (and that doesn't mean it's a bad tune in the Mega Man-universe - quite frankly, the opposite, it's the second best ever). Bubble Man's (in my opinion) is the shortest stage in MM2, at least that's what it seems like to me, and he is not particularly difficult to beat. The biggest challenge is those spikes, ya know? :D

01. Dr Wily's Castle (First Half) (Mega Man 2)
- Epic! The ultimate Mega Man tune! It's cool. It's haunting. It's fucking awesome! This has to be heard to be believed and described.

Top 10 Zelda Items

2008-11-27T15:54:00.008+01:00

The next list in my unnecessary series of Top 10 lists is about the best or coolest items in the Legend Of Zelda franchise! It took me quite some time to compile this list but I think I'm happy with the result.

10. Staff Of Somaria (A Link To The Past)
- A cool item with many uses that just begs to be used in the next 3D console Zelda-game. Imagine the possibilities and puzzles they could create with this item in the game! It'd be a lot more fun than just pushing huge blocks around. This staff creates an orange block that you can push around to use as an ordinary block or you can hit it and it will shatter, damaging enemies that get hit by the shards. If Nintendo could incorporate this item in the next Zelda-game (and not just forget about it after the dungeon you get it in (Spinner *cough*, Ball & Chain *cough*, Dominion Rod *cough*)) they can create some seriously fun puzzles and challenges!

09. Quake Medallion (A Link To The Past)
- Okay, not really the most useful item there is but it sure has some fun value to it. Once you activate this, you will freeze the screen for a moment and activate a series of lightning and quakes that will turn all enemies on the screen into ugly little turnips (or well, yellow blobs with big eyes). Hilarious to see those big bomb-throwing things turn - not so tough now, are you? :P

08. Ocarina Of Time (Ocarina Of Time/Majora's Mask)
- A classic item, isn't it? If you played OoT/MM when they were first released and have beaten them a couple of times since then, I bet all those little melodies are stuck in your head and I'm sure you still remember some of the button combos for them! It was a really cool item at the time and while it's not a groundbreaking item, it holds some nostalgia factor mostly due to the nice melodies you had to play over and over again. I love Song Of Storms and Sonata Of Healing. Minuet Of Forest is nice too. What's your favourite?

07. Hero's Charm (The Wind Waker)
- It's only a neat, not very useful, item that I just found myslef loving. With this, every enemy gets a visible little health bar. That's it. But I love it. Every Zelda-game should have this. :D

06. Magic Cape (A Link To The Past)
- This cape turns you invisible! It consumes magic but it's still cool. It works much like the Stone Mask from Majora's Mask (however, the Stone Mask doesn't require magic), most enemies don't see you so you can run around freely as long as your magic meter isn't depleted. It's a life saver when you're low on health and need to escape! It's also nice when you just don't want to be bothered by anything I wouldn't mind seeing this item return in a 3D Zelda... I don't mean because I need life saving (the games are easy enough) but because it's nice to get past some enemies undetected so you don't have to fight them (save time :D).

05. Pegasus Boots (A Link To The Past/The Minish Cap)
- Dash attack! Bwahaha! This is probably the item I've used most in ALttP. It has many uses and you get it very early on - right before the very first dungeon (or Palace, if you prefer). You can sprint with it by just pressing A once and cross screens in matter of 1-2 seconds, making travelling very enjoyable, and if you happen to run into an enemy he will get hurt by your sword, possibly even killing him. Sometimes you can also use it to break walls, works as a substitute for bombs in some cases. ALttP just wouldn't be the same without it! But it sure does look like it hurts when you hit a wall or obstacle with it - the whole screen shakes and Link is hurled back a bit! :D

04. Bow (Most games)
- Although a standard item, I always find big uses for this. It's really nothing special but I use it so much and it comes with a variety of arrows (Light, Fire and Ice) that it deserves a spot in this list. It was as most fun to use in Twilight Princess for Wii due to the Wiimote aiming; made it much more enjoyable to use. I used the Bow almost every chance I got in TP because it was so fluidly integrated with the Wiimote. I think this item has been used in every Zelda-game, correct me if I'm wrong. It's also a nice candidate for puzzles. :)

03. Fierce Diety Mask (Majora's Mask)
- Many of the masks in Majora's Mask are cool. The Zora Mask is probably my second fave and I thought of putting this here until I realized I had forgotten about the coolest of them all - The Fierce Diety Mask! It's the hardest mask to get in the game because you need all other 23 masks before you can get it, then you need to complete some mini-games on the moon at the end of the game and only when they are done, can you get the Fierce Diety Mask. And it rocks. Oh hell yeah! Too bad you can only use it in boss-rooms, though. Link turns into some kind of oni and slaughters absolutely everything - he shoots some energy bolts from his sword and that alone can kill the last boss' all three transformations in mere 10-20 seconds. It's THAT powerful! Would have loved to use this outside the boss rooms, just for fun, though. :(

02. Master Sword (Most games)
- I realise many people probably think this is the cheesiest or most boring item of all but I can't help but get shivers whenever I pull this out of the pedestal in A Link To The Past, Ocarina Of Time and Twilight Princess. The music that plays comes from A Link To The Past and it brings back so many memories that in the moment you press "Check" or "Grab" the hair on my arms just stand up! Magic, but I know not everybody's feeling it, sadly. It also looks good, especially when it glows! Ahhhhh! Look at this video - http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=OwZjhoYVhbo - when the sword is pulled from the pedestal in A Link To The Past. I love this scene... The foggy, gloomy forest turns into a beautiful, lush and sunny forest.

01.Double Clawshot (Twilight Princess)
- The best item ever in a Zelda-game is the Double Clawshot from Twilight Princess for Wii/GCN! It lets you handle two Clawshots at the same time, one in each hand, and you can sweep across distances flawlessly. This opens up a new way of puzzles and it's too bad you get this at the end of the game because of the usefulness of this item. It makes the ordinary, not-so-special Clawshot into something very special! And oh, once you got this, who didn't instantly run to the STAR-game in Hyrule Castle Town to play the second game? :D Fun, fun, fun! If you don't know, a Clawshot is much like a Hookshot. I hope to see something similar in a future title, Nintendo!

Top 10 Star Wars Games

2008-11-14T21:48:00.000+01:00

It's time for the Top 10 Star Wars games! Yes, I'm a Star Wars-nerd! Only one game per "franchise", you know?

10. Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy (X360)
- Surprise! Seriously... There are lots of funny spoofs in this game. In fact, if it hadn't been for the spoofs this game wouldn't be ranked this high. Lego Star Wars II has given me many laughs and coupled with a good gameplay makes a good, enjoyable game. There are some problems with the over-sensitive controls and the camera but if you can see past that then there's a lot to fetch from this game. I probably wouldn't advise this game to anybody but fans of the franchise, though. I also love being able to play as just about any character I want - Favourites being Yoda (Ghost) and Boba Fett! I love Boba Fett!

09. Star Wars: The Force Unleashed (X360)
- I think many people will disagree with me but the truth is the game IS fun to play. Yes, it's also very glitchy and throws cheap tricks to kill you which only leads to frustration but I found that I still wanted to continue playing the game because it is so much fun to just slaughter everything with my fully upgraded Force Lightning! Funnily, the game entered my previous list too but it still ranks pretty highly on this list because the majority of the Star Wars games are much worse than this. If you think The Phantom Menace for the PSX is better than this game, you need an examination by a professional doctor. I also love playing as Vader in the prologue and going around tossing Wookies to the left and right is very satisfying! The story is quite good, too, to be honest. I like the story. If you are a massive fan of destruction and Star Wars and wondering whether you want to play this game or not - play it! It's lots of fun, if you can handle the frustrating issues.

08. Star Wars: Shadows Of The Empire (N64)
- This might be the third surprise of the list, I know I might have an odd taste. This game probably hit the list because of the nostalgia factor, though. I keep telling myself - this game is really good, but it could just be the nostalgia. I think this game was the first to let us hop into a Snowspeeder and whack AT-STs and AT-ATs on Hoth in 3D, am I right? That was a remarkable experience back in the days. I haven't played this... gem... for a long time but I remember the levels are lengthy (especially Boba Fett's level - Gall Spaceport, my favourite level of the game) and that made up for the fact that there are only 10 levels. I would like to dedicate a bit of this space to Gall Spaceport. I was about 9 or 10 years old and this level kicked my bloody ass! I remember almost every second of it! It seemed to go on forever, too, and in the end, you fight Boba Fett and I remember he was hard as hell! Eventually, a friend of mine beat this level (he had a copy of the game, too) and beat the remainder of the game in a few hours only. The biggest challenge in this game is that level and when I finally beat it, the happiness was immense! One of my favourite gaming moments. I guess that might be a reason why I like this game so much.

07. Star Wars: Battle For Naboo (N64)
- Sure, it's Rogue Squadron with different ships and a couple of decades earlier, but I won't count it as a Rogue Squadron. There's a bit of differences though - the drawing distance is massively increased (that means you can see much farther ahead) and there are several ground missions on speeders. The ground missions are a nice change of gameplay but don't really vary the gameplay TOO much since the missions objectives and everything else stays the same. It doesn't follow Episode 1's story but takes place a bit before it (I think) and I think this was because not many people enjoyed the movie so the developers didn't want the gamers to feel like they experienced the movie again. Correct me if I'm wrong though. My favourite ship is the Naboo Starfighter and there's actually a code you can input in Rogue Squadron that lets you select the Naboo Starfighter! This is a nice little game that I chose over Conker's Bad Fur Day (I chose between the two) and I actually regret not choosing Conker because I played a bit of it and I love it already... I've been trying to get it for Xbox but no luck yet. Anyway, onwards! :D

06. Star Wars Arcade (Arcade)
- Everytime I go to a nearby amusement park here (Liseberg in Gothenburg, one of the most popular in the Nordic) I make sure I enter the Aracade hall to play this one at least once. I love it even if it's hard and I never beat a level, haha. The lightsaber against Vader is really cool and same goes for the Hoth battle with the Snowspeeder. Actually, I almost beat the Hoth battle once! :D I hope they never remove this game from the Arcade halls - it's a classic and still works even today, 14 years after its release. If you see this game when you're out somewhere then drop a coin into the machine and play because it's a lot of fun and you never know when the Arcade machine gets removed or replaced.

05. Super Star Wars: Episode 6: Return Of The Jedi (SNES)
- A classic! I chose between this one and Epiosde 5 but went for this one because this is the one I remember most. I used to rent this game when I was younger and played it til my eyes bled! It's a very challenging game and takes some patience to get through. You can play as Luke, Han Solo, Chewbacca or Leia (I'm not sure if you can play as anybody else, I don't remember) and they differ a bit from each other - Luke has the lightsaber while the others have blasters and rifles. I enjoyed playing as Luke the most, not surprisingly. He just looks so cool with his green lightsaber and it's more fun than to run around and blast stuff.
To be honest, I never beat this game. I got to the final stage where you blow the Death Star up but I never managed to escape with the Millennium Falcon - it was too hard for me. Who knows, maybe one day I will download a rom for the game and play on an emulator (I'm not gonna go through the pain of trying to find the game to buy for my SNES) and finally get to finish it.

04. Star Wars: Bounty Hunter (GCN)
- I said before that I love Boba Fett. Well, that's why I love this game. You get to play as Jango Fett (Boba's father) and he's just as badass as his son. Dual pistols, jetpack, flamethrower, rockets - you name it! The missions are fun and the game is HARD, almost too hard sometimes, so it takes a while to plow through it. If you want to, you can also claim bounties by scanning the right enemies and then either capture them by snaring them with some kind of rope or kill them - a neat and fun little addition. The game takes place before Episode 2: Attack Of The Clones and ends where the movie starts and explains Jango's story. It also explains where he got his badass Slave 1 from! I may be biased because I love Boba & Jango Fett but I do think this is one of the best Star Wars games ever made.

03. Star Wars: Rogue Squadron 3: Rebel Strike (GCN)
- Now, while Rogue Squadron for N64 was really good, I still think that the third installment is a bit sharper. Why? Because you get to control a freaking AT-AT!! You get to speed through Endor's moon on a Speederbike!! What isn't there to love about that? The game has excellent visuals and music, too, and includes some short scenes from the original movies which is a cool addition. It has some ground levels on foot that weren't very good but they weren't that many and except those parts, it is the best Rogue Squadron to date (is the franchise finished?) and the 3rd best Star Wars game ever.

02. Star Wars: Jedi Knight 2: Jedi Outcast (PC)
- I've talked about this game before in my Top 10 FPS list so I won't write much about it here. I love the lightsaber duels, they're definitely the highlight of the game and I look forward to everyone. I had tons of fun online, too. Bespin. Ahhhh... Memories! I also loved downloading maps and especially remember a Ladder-one that I could play forever cause I enjoyed the lightsaber duels so much (it just threw lightsaber duel after lightsaber duel at you). Jedi Knight 3 was just as good, too, and had some improvements like three different lightsaber styles but I wasn't as impressed with it because it had the feeling of "been there, done that". Oh and I loved the online play with the X-Wings and TIE Fighters mod!

01. Star Wars: Knights Of The Old Republic (PC)
- Seriously the best Star Wars game ever and probably the best RPG ever. Mass Effect and KotOR1 are both candidates for best RPG ever in my book. It takes place 4000 years before Episode 1: The Phantom Menace and BioWare's take on the franchise is very interesting. The story is massive and engaging and spawned a sequel (however, the sequel was developed by Oblivion and was pretty much just as good but what stopped it from competing for the 1st place is that it's unfinished - it ends abruptly without resolving the main story and leaves many loose threads...). Jedi and Sith are still (can I say "still", I mean it takes place in the past? :P) in conflict, lightsabers are going strong and the Force is just as cool as usual. The technology is more or less just like 4000 years into the future which I personally think is a bit odd - surely development happens in 4000 years? Anyway, to be frank, I don't care because the game is so awesome. I think many people agree with me that this is the best Star Wars game to date. Now, if we could get KotOR3 instead of The Old Republic....

Top 10 Most Anticipated Games That Didn't Live Up To The Anticipation

2008-11-03T01:30:00.008+01:00

That's right. You know all those games that have gotten your attention and totally seems to rock but when released, they turn out to be just a disappointment? Too much hype, to be exact. Here's my top 10 list of the games that were hyped up (at least by me) and seemed awesome but that didn't live up to the hype. #1 in this list is the worst game of those, and #10 is the best (pfft, the best out of those 10!).

10. Super Mario Sunshine (GCN)
- Sure, a good game, it sure is but it was so hyped up and everybody awaited the true sequel to Super Mario 64. When it was released, I hurried to grab a copy, plugged the CD into the Gamecube and after about two hours I felt bored. I didn't like the level designs and the game just gave me a strange feeling - I just couldn't LOVE it like I wanted to. It has a few great moments (I love the amusement park and the rollercoaster boss battle) but I was still very disappointed with this game. The bonus games were good but for some reason I can't help but to think of Jeopardy! (Swedish version, don't know what the English sounds like) whenever I hear the music for the bonus stages. Maybe the stakes were too high, Super Mario 64 is still unbeaten and is still the #1 3D platformer. It's a classic and I will never forget it. Nintendo tried but failed. How's Super Mario Galaxy? I keep hearing great stuff about it but I don't feel compelled to play it because it seems too messy. Ah well. Next!

09. Perfect Dark Zero (X360)
- Perfect Dark 64 is the best FPS ever, in my opinion (check the top 10 FPS list), and, just like Super Mario Sunshine, maybe the stakes were a bit too high. RARE has always developed great games and their peak was during the N64-era - every single game they released for that system rocked! Star Fox Adventures was really good too. However, they didn't quite make PDZ the game it could have been. The game is too short (13 missions I think, whereas the last one is just a boss battle, and PD64 had 21 missions, 17 regular + 4 bonus) and the missions just aren't as fun as the ones in PD64. Same goes for the story, it's not nearly as good as PD64's story. Where the hell are the Maians and Skedars!? Those were what gave PD64 such a great touch and in PDZ it's like they never existed! PD64 (noticed how many times I mentioned this abbrevation so far?) also had a very memorable soundtrack and PDZ only a few memorable songs (I love Bridge - Assault, Subway - Retrieval - Ambush and the best one is Temple - Surveillance - Main Theme). I keep hoping for a Perfect Dark 2 that is a worthy sequel (not a prequel) to PD64. Or a remake of PD64. God, give me!!!

08. Star Wars: The Force Unleashed (X360)
- So long we had been waiting for this game, and in such short time we were disappointed. For starters, the game is glitchy. Everybody who has experienced the "Default Text"-glitch knows what I'm talking about - it's the most loathed glitch of the game. Second, the character and controls are too sensitive to the control stick. Third, it's too freaking hard sometimes (I played on the hardest difficulty available at the start - "Sith Lord", there is a "Sith Master" too but screw that... at least for a few months) and keeps throwing cheap tricks to kill you (endless waves of enemies with homing attacks and whatnot, you get hurt by attacks while knocked down and can't get up until a few seconds and by then you're probably mauled half-dead already). I have cursed at this game up until the point of almost throwing my controller out the window! Fourth, the targetting system sometimes doesn't target what you want to target and that can lead to frustration because you either miss your enemy or die because you can't attack it... but! The game is fun. It is. For one playthrough. Maybe.

07. Resident Evil Zero (GCN)
- This is not a bad game either but it's far from the best RE-game. I hate the majority of the enemies - most especially the frogs... Zombie-frogs?! That whip you with their tongue!? What the hell!? A giant zombie-crab in a train!? A giant zombie-bat!? Again, what the hell!? The story is meant to be a prequel to the first game but the story is still not that interesting and the main villain is a man singing to leeches, to control them. Did Capcom run out of ideas or what!? There are so many ridiculous things in this game that it's cringeworthy. In any case, the game does a few good things - like the partner zapping system and allowing you to drop items wherever you want. The graphics are also improved REmake graphics and look gorgeous even today. I also loved revisiting the factory from RE2 - a very nice moment in the game. I would say this game is only for fans of the RE-franchise, everybody else should play REmake.

06. Splinter Cell: Double Agent (Wii)
- Splinter Cell: Double Agent was developed by two teams - one (I think Ubi's Shanghai studios) team for Wii/GCN, PS2 and I think Xbox and another (Ubi's Montreal studios) team for Xbox 360, PC and PS3. The Montreal version is awesome but the Shanghai version is not nearly as good. They're two different games (the missions and locations are totally different) but with the same story. I'm a huge fan of the Splinter Cell games so of course I was thrilled to get Double Agent for my Wii but it sucked - and it was so glitched. I couldn't throw cans to distract the enemies, they were DEAF! I don't remember if I finished it or not but I have traded it in at EBgames (now Gamestop) for a discount on another X360-controller. I got the X360 version of the game a week after and I loved it. A so much better game!

05. Assassin's Creed (X360)
- So many people assumed this would be Game of the Year! The free-running and climbing mechanics in the trailers seemed to awesome. It is awesome, too. It also looks TERRIFIC and just standing on the highest point of Damascus and looking over the city is breath-taking to say the least! Where the game falls flat is the gameplay. So. God. Damn. Boring. And. Tedious. Every single mission is a repeat of the previous and you have to do it like 9 times. Go to a town then gather information by either: Picking pockets, eavesdropping, doing a small mission (either assassinations or flag collecting) for an informant or interrogating somebody. That's it. All the way through the 9 assassinations. There's also the options of reaching the highest points in the area to scout and "synchronize" the area to your map and to save citizens in need (which basically just leads to a long and tedious fight because the guards won't stop coming at you). It's so repetive. What happened to the creativeness, Ubi? Oh, and I HATE the beggars! Grrr!

04. The World Is Not Enough (N64)
- The anticipated "sequel" to GoldenEye (Tomorrow Never Dies was released for PSX only) and developer EA (back then, we still had faith in them making a great game) had bought the rights for the Bond-franchise. Well, the game was like a downgrade of GoldenEye. Plastic sound effects, crappy graphics, horrible voice acting, boring missions and no blood. I was so disappointed at the time. I sort of half-enjoyed it, though. Thank god there was still GoldenEye and Perfect Dark!

03. Lost Planet: Extreme Condition (X360)
- Many Xbox 360 games in this list, eh? Capcom knows how to make awesome graphics, that's for sure, but they didn't succeed in making this game fun. Before I got my X360, I really wanted to get this game as fast as I could but when I played it I was bored senseless after the third or fourth level. Almost every level looks exactly the same (zZzZzz). Every level plays exactly the same. Go from the starting point to the ending point to kill the boss. On the way there, kill as many aliens as you can. Pick up a few weapons. That's it, that's every level. It's boring and I had to force myself to beat this game, I really mean I FORCED myself. I did it, after almost 9 months of having the game. I almost wish I hadn't cause the game just made me bored and angry.

02. Donkey Konga (GCN)
- I wanted this game so bad when I first heard about it and using Bongo drums seemed like a cool idea. It is a cool idea, still, but Donkey Konga doesn't know how to make it cool. The Bongos don't fit to the music which really detracts from the fun factor and I still feel like a dork when I clap like a maniac (yes, when you clap there's this microphone that picks it up and some songs require you to clap). The soundtrack is very strong, though. A big plus for the soundtrack. But the game is only worth playing so you can hear the songs.

01. Alone In The Dark (X360)
- Hahaha. Hahahaha! This game is a joke (err, I mean "a glitch"). Stay away from this game. End of.

Top 10 Horror Games

2008-10-26T21:57:00.016+01:00

The top 10 Horror games is here! It's too hard to narrow it down to only one game per franchise (sorry, but there aren't so many different horror games out there), so keep that in mind.

10. Dino Crisis (PSX)
- Dinosaurs! Only for kids, right? Uh well, WRONG! You play as Regina who is part of a crew sent to investigate a facility on an island that is infested with dinosaurs and yes, that includes a terrifying T-Rex! Some great moments in this game and it's consistent from the get-go through to the end. It's a different kind of horror game due to the dinosaurs and spawns some questions like where the hell did they come from and I bet that you'll be eager to find out the whole story behind it. The graphics might be outdated (remake, please Capcom?!) but it's definitely worth playing because it's still scary and it's still got some great gameplay moments. It plays much like Resident Evil but keep in mind it both games were developed by the same company (Capcom) so that is to be expected. Also play Dino Crisis 2 if you like this game, it's not as good nor as scary but it's a still a good game.

09. Resident Evil REmake (GCN)
- A remake of the first Resident Evil-game, which was released for the PlayStation. It has gorgeous visuals, refind voice acting and some new stuff added. A great package. The best addition, I think, is the Crimson Head. When you kill a zombie you must either do it by blowing their head off or by burning their corpse because if you don't, there's a chance they might get up later when you're passing through, thinking you're safe, and they will be more menacing than ever as they run at you and try to rip you to shreds! Another great addition is the Defense Items which you can use if you get grabbed by a zombie or knocked down by a Hunter. When asking fans about their favourite RE-game, it seems it's always a tie between RE2 and REmake, and it's far, far from a bad game but I think it can get a bit boring at parts and that's why it's #9.

08. Resident Evil: Code Veronica X (GCN)
- I think that this game feels a lot like RE2 and I don't know why. It has lots of scares and Claire (from RE2) as the main protagonist, which might be why I am reminded of RE2. I like Claire. She's just... I don't know, I just like her for some reason. Anyway, the story is bizarre (Alfred and Alexia) but interesting and half-way through there's a nice change of environment never before seen in an RE-game. Wesker also returns (he was presumed killed in the first game) with a supernatural twist and in the end, there's a nice action sequence. Not a lot of fans like CVX but I think it's one of the best RE-games out there.

07. Condemned 2: Bloodshot (X360)
- First-person horror at its best. I haven't played F.E.A.R. but horror in first-person is almost non-existent. I can only name three games and I've already mentioned two, the first being the predecessor to Condemned 2. I like both Condemneds but I think that the second game is a tad better than the first. They're both pretty similar in style but something about the second game makes it even scarier and rougher than the first. A focus on melee weapons forces you to go up close and whack the enemies, which makes the game a bit harder too because you're vulnerable from close range. My favourite level is the Black Lodge (I think that's the name?) where you are chased by this huge monster inside a huge cabin and you must escape from it otherwise it kills you and it really got my hurt pumping. That's one thing that always scares me - being chased by something that will kill you if it catches up with you so you will have to run away from it. The game is dark, moody and has lots of atmosphere and a some great sounds that will keep you on the edge of your seat. Now awaiting Condemned 3!

06. Dead Space (X360)
- Whoa! EA can make a game this good? What the hell? Something is wrong... but I ain't complaining. This game is true Survival Horror. It came out two weeks ago but it's already in my top 5, that says a lot about the quality of this game. I first played on Hard (I always do) and I was surprised at how HARD it really is. Ammo is scarce and health packs too but enemies are plenty. This game feels like an Aliens (that's the second movie for you who don't know the difference between Alien (first) and Aliens (second)) set on a mining spaceship instead of a colony on a planet and that's a plus! The game also packs some great boss battles. This is the rebirth of the Survival Horror-genre and if you are a fan you should pick it up!

05. Silent Hill 2 (Xbox)
- Excellent atmosphere, much thanks to the atmospheric soundtrack and the very deep and emotional story. This is a really great game and one scary game too. It has the legendary descent down through what seems like an eternity of holes which is one of the most bizarre moments in gaming history. Then the reveal at the end... Shocking and truly sad. Wow. A masterpiece that everyone should play.

04. Alone In The Dark: A New Nightmare (PSX)
- A classic game, in my opinion. I first played it for the PSX (but also played the whole game on PS2 but at a friend's place) and was scared to death by the many different scares. One thing I also truly love about this game is the setting and the story - it's set in the early 1900s and deals with ancient history about some Indians called the Abkani and I find it all very fascinating. I remember reading the "Morton Family History"-book in the library in the game and I still remember more than half of it because it was so interesting. The game also hosts a very chilling and scary soundtrack and was one of the first games to utilize the flashlight in a such a cool way. The enemies are afraid of the light so they will try to hide if you point the light at them. A very good game that is underrated.

03. Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem (GCN)
- This game will fuck with your mind, seriously. It might not be so scary but it's one hell of a well-made game with a strong soundtrack, solid voice-acting, a very good story and one very unique addition - The Sanity Meter! The Sanity Meter is a green meter that drops everytime you encounter an enemy (they're undead mobs and drain your sanity, it makes sense) and if that meter goes below a certain point you will start hallucinating. However, you will usually not realize you're hallucinating. My favourite one is the one that erases all the data on your memory card (when you save and then it says: "Erasing All Data on Memory Card" and shows a progress bar). When I first got it I was terrified and so shocked and wanted to cry only to, seconds later, realize the game was just fucking with me. There are also a hallucination that turns the room upside down, which is a fun one cause you wonder what the hell is going on. There many more hallucinations to discover and I don't wanna spoil them all (although I probably spoiled the best one :P) . Too bad Silicon Knights didn't make any games nearly as good as this game afterward (Too Human, for example).

02. Silent Hill 3 (PC)
- Many will argue that Silent Hill 2 is the best game of the franchise. I will agree that it has the best story (one of the best stories of any video game, to be frank) and it is the most emotional one, but I think that SH3 is scarier and has an eerier atmosphere and just feels like a tad better game. SH3 also has, in my opinion, the best soundtrack. Akira Yamaoka never disappoints! Anyone who has heard the music from any SH game except the first one will probably agree on this point. There are so many scary noises in this game too, especially the pendulums that sound like a buzzsaw trying to cut through metal. The nurses in the hospital are extremely freaky too, they make this heavy breathing and I panic whenever I hear them! This game also holds one of the hardest and the most annoying(but also most gruesome) puzzle of all games I've played - yes, that's right - the hospital door code with the horrifying poem. I really believe this to be the best Silent Hill out there, I have yet to play Homecoming (damn PAL-release delayed until February!!) but after reading reviews I'm not so sure it would make this top 10-list.

01. Resident Evil 2 (GCN)
- The first horror game I ever played but also the best one I have ever played. The scares are endless in this game and it's packed with 4 different scenarios and two bonus games (one with Hunk and another with Tofu) which is very generous and keeps the replay value high. There are also many special weapons and costumes to collect depending on your rating when finishing the game. Who can forget the licker in the one-way mirror, Mr. X bursting through the studio walls and the hands that grab you through the wooden planks in that narrow, green corridor? An epic game and I never tire of beating it because it is so good. It has all the flaws that other Resident Evil games have - bad voice acting (although it has improved in later years) and a weak story but it doesn't matter to me when it comes to this game - it's just so good. It seems that the majority of the Resident Evil-fans seem to prefer the second game - maybe because it simply is the best? It also has the most eerie soundtrack of all RE-games and the most nostalgic soundtrack - I will never forget the haunting sounds of the different floors in the R.P.D. building. The save theme music is the best of the series, too. If you haven't played this game, you should pick it up! It exists on many, many different systems and I'd say the N64 is the best one - it has many nifty extras that other versions don't have, like the "Randomizer" which switches places of items. A fun addition!

Honorary Mention: Silent Hill (PSX)
- Great, GREAT game but it's in desperate need of an update! The controls are extremely slow and clumsy and the grapics are horribly outdated. Update these two things, leave everything else as it is, and we have a candidate for the Top 3. :D

Top 10 FPS Games

2008-10-21T22:38:00.004+02:00

A round of applause for..... TOP 10 FIRST-PERSON SHOOTERS, any console! And umm... I have played Halo 2 and I didn't like it so much, so there'll be no Halo on this list. Also I haven't played every damn FPS there is out there so remember, this is strictly a personal list and it's not based on overall popularity amongst gamers. I will list the version (console) of the game that I have played and/or like the most. And only one game per franchise!

10. Star Wars: Jedi Knight 2: Jedi Outcast (PC)
- Does this count as an FPS? I don't know really but it's a great game and even though the FPS is mostly in the first part of the game, the option is still always there but who wants to use guns when you got the lightsaber! The lightsaber duels in this game are superior to any Star Wars-game (except the sequel Jedi Academy) - I've had so much fun with them. I love Star Wars but to be honest, many of the games are not that good so this was a breath of fresh air back in the days (there have been a couple of great Star Wars-games lately).

09. GoldenEye (N64)
- Many fond memories of this game, from my younger days. I don't think I need to talk much about this game at all - other than that I think this game was better when I'm younger, it is a bit outdated now to be honest.

08. Aliens VS Predator 2 (PC)
- Not for the faint of heart! I remember the first level (playing as the marine soldier) so well - I was about 12 or 13 and I was so scared. Great atmosphere and a truly scary game. The multiplayer, at the time at least, is truly solid and you can choose to play as either human, alien or predator (in both Single player and Multiplayer!) and each race has its weaknesses and advantages. It's totally up to you - how you wanna play it. However, in single player, there's a separate campaign for each race and I think my favourite campaign is the human one - it's truly scary.

07. Half-Life 2 (X360)
- It took me some time to get into this game but in the end, it hooked me. Despite a few boring parts, it's a great game with a huge and engaging story and now I just have to finish episode 1 and 2 (yeah, I'm late). I love the Gravity Gun, especially upgraded. I had a lot of fun with this game after really getting into it.

06. TimeSplitters 3: Future Perfect (GCN)
- I really picked this up on a whim, not knowing exactly what to expect. It was cheap and I knew it had a Map Editor (which turned out to be a disappointment due to the limitations). I was pleasantly surprised when I started playing. Nice gameplay and some humor - they always mix good. An enjoyable storyline, too, with many time travels and fun paradoxes and all that. The multiplayer is really fun aswell - especially with the amount of crazy characters! A gingerbread man, Handy-Man (A glove with legs and arms), a rotting carcass, an evil duck, a snow man, just to name a few hilarious characters!

05. The Darkness (X360)
- Might come as a surprise for some but I really dig this game. It's dark (no pun intended) and the protagonist is one hell of a messed person. Great gameplay and a big world to explore and many nice quests to complete coupled with a really cool innovation - The Darkness powers! Tentacles growing out of your body, piercing your enemies and slapping them around and then devouring their hearts. A true pleasure to play! Oh and isn't it cool that it was developed by a Swedish developer? I'm Swedish, by the way.

04. No One Lives Forever 1/2 (PC)
- I can't decide between the first and the second game, they're equally good. The first game is a lengthy adventure stock-piled with humor and great action sequence (Aboard a crashing plane, you jump out mid-air and has to fall onto a bad guy and steal his parachute - totally awesome, especially for being a game released in 2000). It's basically a female James Bond FPS, but with a lot more humour and set in the 60s. They spoof many of the various agent movie-cliches and it works so well. The gadgets are way cool too - the lipstick grenade is way cool. I also love reading all of the letters and files scattered through-out the games, many of them are hilarious! The second game refined the graphics and the tools and weapons but it's shorter. Anyone who has played it will remember the boss battle that takes place inside a house.... trapped in the eye of a tornado! Wicked stuff! It also added a bit of an RPG-element that was a good addition. NOLF2 also has one of the best weapons of any game - The BANANA! Throw it in front of an enemy and watch him slip on it. Muhahaha! Despite all the humor, the action is packed and always existent - except for those parts where you play the stealthy type, but it's a nice change of pace. If you haven't played these games, you have truly missed something! They're overlooked gems.

03. BioShock (X360)
- Great art-decor (50s style) and eerie atmosphere and environment. Also a nice touch of implants to get nice powers, like pyrokinesis. Nice story and the art-decor is unmatched so far (FPS-wise, anyway). The music really set the mood, too. Just one hell of a great game and I know many people agrees with me, was definitely Game of the Year 2007 in my opinion. The first game ever where I got 1000 Gamerscore too, haha. Think I was one of the first in the world actually (yeah, I've modded my Xbox 360 and downloaded the early leak). Too bad the final boss battle was a push-over - way too easy, but that isn't really game breaking, it's just one of the very few weak points this game has.

02. Metroid Prime (GCN)
- I know, I know - most people wouldn't call this an FPS, it's more of an FPA - First-Person Adventure. But I don't care, I view as both FPS and FPA. The action in this game is non-stop and the story is great - however, to get the most out of the story you will have to read the many logfiles scattered through-out the game and I don't think many people would have the patience to read all the lore but it's worth it - makes you care more for the world and understand the motives of everyone. I can play this game over and over, it's so good. The only part I don't like is the underwater part in the middle of the game but... A game can't be perfect, can it? I also must say - the music in this game absolutely rocks! I love the electronic music and some of the remixes of old Metroid-songs are way cool! I remember when I first put the disc in the Gamecube and got to the Data Selection Screen - I was blown away... By a freaking menu screen! The music is top-notch, true rubberband electronica with awesome whistle-sounds and to make matters better the whole animation and look of the menu screen is awesome. Oh, and the effects on Samus' visor when she walks into steam or rain - groundbreaking at the time and still is beautiful! This is a very nicely crafted masterpiece by Retro Studios. Metroid in 3D rocks!

01. Perfect Dark (N64)
- The pinnacle of First-Person Shooters. It refined GoldenEye and made it even better, with a better story, better weapons, better graphics, better gameplay, better music, better everything! I know GoldenEye is like the mother of all modern FPS's but really, I've tried playing it lately but I find myself getting bored and I don't get bored with Perfect Dark. PD64 is just the perfect FPS package. I love the music (You'll find me listening to the music on my computer sometimes, as I do right this moment actually - playing now is "Air Force One - Anti-Terrorism"). The game had superb levels and a healthy amount of them - about 17 I think. With the bonus assignments, 21. Correct me if I'm wrong, I didn't count I just went by what I remember. FPS nowadays seem to have a standard 10 chapters/levels with a few exceptions, which is a shame. The story was really cool and who doesn't love Elvis - one of the coolest aliens ever created. I could go on forever about this game but I wanna keep this short. If you haven't played PD64 then you haven't truly lived yet.

Top 10 UK Hardcore Songs

2008-10-20T14:16:00.003+02:00

Thought that I could just make random personal top 10-lists from here on now. Why? Because I like lists. And there's nothing worth writing about my life cause at the moment it sucks.

So here it goes.

Top 10 UK Hardcore Songs (Don't ask me why, because it's too hard... but oh well)

01. Ultrabeat vs Darren Styles - Paradise & Dreams (Clubland X-Treme Hardcore 4)
02. Hypasonic vs Jorg Schmidt - Doesn't Matter (Squad-E Remix) (Clubland X-Treme Hardcore 4)
03. Michael Mansion - Let Me In (Darwin's Hemstock Remix) (Unreleased - TBA)
04. Sy & Unknown Feat. Lou Lou - U R My Phantasy (Darren Styles Remix) (Clubland X-Treme Hardcore 2)
05. Darwin vs Rampant Feat. Ant Johnson - No More (Bonkers 17)
06. Flip & Fill - Field Of Dreams (Hixxy Remix) (Bonkers 9)
07. Sharkey - Today's The Day (Bonkers 17)
08. Plus System - Neck Breaker (Dougal & Gammer Remix) (Clubland X-Treme Hardcore 1)
09. Impact & Inverse - Summer Sun (Unreleased, found on Impact's July Mix 2007)
10. CLSM vs Cube::Hard - See You On The Other Side (RSR Remix) (Bonkers 15)

Honorary Mention: Oli G vs Ephexis - Spatial Inversion (Bonkers 15) :D

Mental mission

2008-06-03T13:59:00.002+02:00

I need to overcome one thing. One thing that I guess is silly. Why do I care so much if someone I fancy (in this case, in love with) drinks? It's always been like this. It's not repelling to me but it's rather depressive. I seriously wonder why I bother getting like this - "this" being a bit depressed. I wouldn't care much if I knew the person didn't drink much - say, still got a common sense, able to walk and not doing stupid things. Passing out and vomiting, however, really fuels the depressive feelings.

I think I imagine all the teenybopper parties around here and everywhere else. People just drinking as much as they can. Like I said, it's hardly repelling but it's just me getting worried and depressed.

I need to overcome this. It's bloody stupid and I know it but since I'm such an enemy of alcohol I guess it'll be a hard thing to do. If anybody has any suggestions on how to get over it, shoot! Don't be mad if I don't find your advice useful, though.

I don't want to be a nuisance to him, I want this to last. We have a great thing going on and it would be perfect if I could just learn to let go of my depressive feelings everytime he drinks. Cause really, there's no harm in drinking if you do it with moderation, right?

Then there's the hang-over. A sign of drinking too much, in my opinion. Depressing again. Help me, people! Get my sodding brain to understand to let go of these thoughts! :P

Euphoria

2008-05-05T20:21:00.003+02:00

Life is perfect. Seriously, it's perfect. I think that this is the first time ever that life has been perfect. The sun is shining and it's hot outside. I'm an instructor in BODYCOMBAT (and BODYBALANCE but I'm not as passionate about it). I've got the sweetest and best boyfriend one could ever ask for. I've got the greatest friends in the whole world. I feel healthy, appreciated. For once I've got a lot of money so I've been shopping and still got more left than I usually do!

Now I'm just waiting for that one bad thing to happen....... One of these things or another thing will soon turn sour and life won't be so perfect. I pray that it won't be about the instructing, Mikael or my friends. Come on, life, hit it, I'm ready as long as you don't touch any of these three things!

Please

2008-04-24T23:41:00.005+02:00

I feel so uninspiring. I don't feel special. I try so hard to be sweet, kind and loving but it feels like I get nothing in return and it's wrecking me! I guess I am one who needs lots of affection and confirmation. But it seems just like a whole lot of sarcasm is thrown at me with only little sweetness. Constantly some joke about checking out others and other things. It's too much sometimes and it feels like I'm just one to hold on to until a better person is found. :(

I don't think I've ever heard that I look good even though I've said to him many times that I think he does. It can't work like that, you need to both give and take and I wish I wasn't so demanding but I can't help how I feel. If he thinks that I don't look good... well, at least, can he pretend to make me happy? :( I just want him to like me like I like him... He's swept me off my feet and I really, really like him.

I wish that every once in a while I could hear a: "You're so cute!", "You're so sweet!", "I really like you!" or maybe a "Your eyes are so beautiful!". I can't hold on to sarcasm and jokes all the time, I need more than that and I don't think I am the only one in the world who feels like I do about this.

I tried to be really sweet and romantic today but feels like I just got a slap back, compared to what I did. I dedicated a song to him, one of the cutest songs I know, and I got like... a "uh... okay... but I don't like you that much" back. That's what it felt like.

Now I start getting teary eyes... Better stop....

Time to make a stand

2008-03-05T17:03:00.006+01:00

I'm sick of the idiots of this world and all the retards that don't take a hint! Why is this world so twisted?! If somebody seems OK, is he? No. He's not. He'll be some horny son of a bitch that acts all intellectual and cool in front of those he doesn't want to see his true side. There's that type and then there's the fucktards, simple as that, and I tend to attract these fucktards and GOD KNOWS I MIGHT GO CRAZY SOON! I'm about to give up on love because we're living in a shallow society where looks are everything and if you stick out, say you're generally a very humorous person like me, then you'll get the boot and people will just disregard you and you will be marked as "not normal". Go piss on yourselves! I have a strong personality and I'm sorry if it's too much for you that I dare to be who I am! Whooopeeedoo!

Look: I don't want you to fuck me, I don't want to fuck you, I just want a fucking normal relationship with somebody that involves sex because we love each other so don't sodding come and rub it in my face how much you want a cock up your asshole and how much you'd love to drown in cum because I ain't looking for a fuck-buddy or a one-night-stand! If this is some people's way of flirting, then wow, you're not making a big impression, dude. You're sending the completely wrong vibes unless, of course, the aim is to only have sex. Read and learn, you people!

Fucking hell, I'm probably scaring everybody away. Or rather, why am I even writing a blog? The only readers are, uh, Emelie and Sara. And this is not aimed at them.

What a complete waste of a blog. Talking to myself. Lalalalalala.

But it sure feels good to let it out.

Travel

2008-03-03T20:37:00.004+01:00

Music is fantastic. Without music I surely wouldn't be the same. Each album; each song is a magical journey if done from the heart and not from the wallet. There's so much music to explore and when you think you've heard the best, another band/artist shows up and blows you away. When I think of a musical journey through emotions, through different worlds, through landscapes, the first album that comes to mind is Halou's Wiser. Halou is like a mix of Björk, The Knife and their own. It's a masterpiece in every sense of the word. From the very first song, it captures your soul and your mind - the soothing, mysterious Milkdrunk opens up with some soft pads and interesting sounds, adding on the drums and then quiets down to only piano and Rebecca's haunting and soft vocals. From this moment on, you'll be hooked if you allow yourself to really let it sink into you. The song is simple but yet so beautiful. And I just take it in... she sings so truthfully.

The album continues on in the same mood with Wiser. A bit rougher but yet calming and relaxing. Drums sound distorted, there's a mystical, sweeping sound switching between the left and right speakers. Truly awesome. The following song, Him To Me To You, roughens up the sound even more. I have seen there are assholes everywhere, so watch your step girl. The title is strange to, I still don't understand exactly what it means. I could only speculate so much.

The album will truly put you floating in a magic world, I suggest you listen to it if you want some of the best pieces of music ever written. There are only two weak points with this album, according to me, and those are first; the song Oceanwide which is too boring, it would have been better if it was shorter and had a little more happenings. Second is Feeling This Is Like To Fall Awake which is a rough song, rougher than Him To Me To You but it's not that great. It could have been left out, in my opinion.

It's amazing what music can do to your senses, really, if you just allow yourself to be swept away. Put on some headphones and just let it play. Forget the noise of the street, forget the chatter from the kitchen, just go into your own shell.
Heavy rock-songs will tickle your anger and seriousness, hip-hop will activate the rhythm in you whilst dance will awaken the dancer you carry inside you. Happy hardcore will make you happy (same as any happy song, but I suspect nothing beats Happy hardcore), trip-hop puts you in a trance and calms your soul... You know? There's something for everybody in music, it's just about finding the right music for the type of mood you're in, ey?

Music understands me. It's like therapy - If I'm in love then I will listen to some UK hardcore and enhance that tickling sensation in my belly; if I'm angry then I will put on some hard rock and it will understand just how I feel. There's nothing in the world except music that is able to do such thing.

Whoever first invented music didn't deserve to die. If there's anybody in the world that deserved to live forever, it was him or her.

The united vibe

2008-03-03T19:36:00.004+01:00

Did BODYCOMBAT for my classmates and another class in PE at school today. It went well, I did BODYCOMBAT 35 and made no mistakes, except I mixed up two stretches in the cooldown but I noticed it so I fixed it, so that was good.

Next two weeks, I am gonna see if I can loan a studio for the classes cause the sound system was seriously fucked up at school.

I see who you are

2008-03-03T15:08:00.004+01:00

I want a boyfriend! That's the only thing missing in my life now. I've got everything else - the best friends one could wish for, I'm an instructor in BODYCOMBAT and I love it so god damn much and I'm good financially too. My life would be perfect with a boyfriend. Of course, one can never truly be happy because there will always be something that is wrong (haven't you guys noticed that? If everything is perfect in your personal life then there will be something at work or school that totally sucks and vice versa...)!

However, the ones I am interested in (like that guy in a nearby city) are never interested in me (except for once but I realized he was not boyfriend material for me)... And this nearby guy, how reliable is someone who hits on everybody and who seems to only want sex? Can one really rely on such a person to be faithful and honest with you? He looks good, he seems to be quite intelligent, funny, somewhat aware of his health. That's pretty much what attracts me. But, I guess I don't have to worry about these issues since I guess he's only after sex so no need to think deeper than necessary about it. He says he wants to talk to me, but then he stops replying and says he's sorry and that he "forgot" or whatever but he wants to talk to me. Five minutes later, same story again... He forgot. Okay, so he forgets about me, then he obviously ain't got much interest in me except fucking me so he might as well stop talking to me.

Damn, I'm so emotionally attached to everything.

Hitler's Xbox 360 console gets banned

2008-03-01T00:26:00.001+01:00

Hilarious stuff!

Paradise city

2008-02-29T00:41:00.005+01:00

I felt so awesome today as I was waiting for the train to arrive! There was a drunk man in the same booth as I and he kept drinking and then he lit a cigarette so I turned around and told him: "You do know smoking isn't allowed inside the booth?" and pointed to the "NO SMOKING"-sign. He said "I guess I gotta move then" and get up and walked away from the booth. Owned, bitch!
He had a bike with him too, that was funny because he had a basket attached to it, full of empty beer cans, and one of the cans got caught by the wind so he had to chase it. That was humorous. He'd probably have gone down on the tracks had it blown down there, he seemed desperate.

Well, that's our little town. Drunkards, teenyboppers, drug addicts and handicapped people pretty much everywhere. In fact, Vänersborg is Sweden's third most drug rich city! Yay for us!

Great

2008-02-28T21:21:00.002+01:00

The only gay person living nearby me, that shows interest in me, just wants to fuck me. Sodding bad luck, cause he's cute and we share the same humour. He ain't gonna get to fuck me unless he wants to be my boyfriend, PERIOD!

I'll break your neck

2008-02-28T20:01:00.000+01:00

So I changed my mix for BODYCOMBAT today because numbers have dropped and it feels like it's due to me mixing so much and last Saturday someone said she misses the old BC34-tracks. So for today (and probably for the rest of the BC34 time) I did:

01. Summermelody/Does The Fish Have Chips (34)
02. Thnks Fr Th Mmrs (34)
03. The Way (Put Your Hand In My Hand) (34)
04. Lights Out (34)
05. Elevator (34)
06. Bring The Noise (30)
07. So What! (27)
08. Neck Breaker (27)
09. Here I Come (32)
10. What Have You Done (34)

Seemed to go down a storm! Neck Breaker is SO HARD!

My rain

2008-02-24T23:03:00.002+01:00

What is it about me that people don't like? I mean, if people living in the nearby cities don't really get interested in me, then that must mean I am very unattractive.

New Zealand! Here I come... soon... I hope...

Anyone wanna donate money to a poor soul?

Here I come

2008-02-21T21:55:00.003+01:00

Did what I felt was a wicked class today! Lots of energy from everybody and finished the class with a surprise in preparation for BC35, "Here I Come" from BC32. I asked them before if they knew which track I meant, cause it's the release we launched BODYCOMBAT on at Sportlife. They said noo... And then as I laid down and brought my knee to my chest in kick-position, one of them burst out: "Oh no, it's THAT track!" and that was hilarious! :D Lots of sidekicks while on the floor. The butt is on fire!

My mix for BC34 is finalized and looks like this:

01. Summermelody/Does The Fish Have Chips (BC34)
02. Thnks Fr Th Mmrs (BC34) (I like this track, actually, dunno what it is, but it's great)
03. I Feel Alive (BC24)
04. Lights Out (BC34)
05. Elevator (BC34)
06. Bring The Noise (BC30)
07. Fight (BC28)
08. Retro Rush (BC23)
09. Here I Come (BC32)
10. What Have You Done (BC34)

Also, I have been using the original versions of Elevator and 2 Dream. I did a mix for another class on Wednesday, that's when I used 2 Dream. By original versions I mean the versions that Les Mills covered. I know it's probably not allowed but the originals of those two are better! I cut and pasted on the versions in Audacity and made them identical. I wonder if anybody could tell any difference except that the bass is much stronger in the originals. :P Just a funny thing, using the originals, they're identical in terms of structure and speed otherwise so... No harm done!

Can't wait for BC35 and "The United Vibe". Bring it on!

Summer vibes

2008-02-18T14:06:00.004+01:00

Ahh... I woke up this morning and the sun was shining. It felt like summer. And then when I went up I felt my bare feet touch the floor, it felt even more like summer. It reminded me of walking barefoot on the beach, on the grass! Awesome way to wake up, it has made my day. I just wanna go out and inhale the sun. I might just do it because I want to take new pictures. :-)

And later today, will be my last BODYCOMBAT-class at Motionspalatset because I'm ending my contract there (it's the gym where I participate, not where I instruct). I'm just gonna stick to Sportlife now, and whatever else shows up. It's useless to pay every month at Motionspalatset if I only go twice a month (I would go four times a month but the two instructors share the only night for BODYCOMBAT and one of them is so-so, so I am only motivated to go twice). I'm gonna miss Unni, one of my inspirations when instructing. But I guess we'll meet during quarterlies and whatnot. I hope so. :-)

Shot down in flames

2008-02-12T23:28:00.000+01:00

To quote a certain Miss Liz Phair:

I am extraordinary
If you'd ever get to know me

It's true.

Well, that's what I would like to think anyway.

I doubt there's much truth to it at all, anymore. I need to stop being so bloody annoying, for starters. I mean, in real life. That's what I'm gonna do. And I'm also gonna be who I am with whoever I talk to on MSN so I can show that "extraordinaryness". I've got dirty humor. I ain't gonna hide it. Maybe then the boys I meet from QX will actually like to talk to me? Who knows.

Just stop!

2008-02-07T23:41:00.000+01:00

Why are some people so in love with themselves? I understand if you've got strong self-confidence and that's good but WHY do people upload hundreds of almost exactly the same pictures of themselves taken by stretching out the hand and snapping the picture, in 90% of the times with a bit of angle above the head!? I am not fucking kidding - some people upload 20 pictures a day of themselves and they're ALL from the same angle, the same face, the same pose, etc. You have to bring out a magnifying glass if you're going to spot the differences between the pictures. Often they also look ridiculously stupid on the pictures and likes to mention it too: "I look a bit funny on this one!" but yet it looks exactly as stupid as the previous and next ones.

Worst of all, however, is the people that constantly comment on how good they look. BLEH! I guess it's a bit of jealousy but it really is so annoying! If they look good doing that pose, then I must look like sodding Aphrodite in comparison but apparently that ain't the case. So in order to look good, one must look stupid. Good logic there.

Why can't people just pick one good picture and upload? I don't care if you were bored when you took the pictures, just upload the best one (perhaps give it a little touch of Photoshop, too) or you'll bore us to death.

As if that wasn't enough complaining, today I witnessed another fucking retard sharing his music with the rest of the world. He had the typical "I don't give a shit what people think about me"-look and he was quite big with bald hair and way too big pants. It was funny though when a woman in front of him turned around and looked really annoyed! The idiot just sat there and thought he was really cool. He was bald, too, by the way. Moron.

A light

2008-02-06T00:36:00.000+01:00

In dark Blog-times like these we need some light and laughter.

So I made this.

A compilation of various clips of laughing set to music. :P

Don't worry, I will soon complain about something again.

A new dawn

2008-01-30T22:42:00.000+01:00

I wanna move to New Zealand or Australia. I am so incredibly tired of Swedish people. There are only teenyboppers, idiots and more idiots here. There's no one to love here because if somebody seems to be too good to be true then he is too good to be true. I've learnt the lesson now. If I find interest in somebody then it will just go to hell one way or another. I wonder what it is? My looks? Well, come see me in real life and I will blow you away with charisma, humour and laughs. Too bad I don't get a chance to prove on the internet how wonderful I can be and I can proudly say that without regret. I know I have a strong personality. I'm not a clone of anybody and I certainly am independent.

I don't like the Nordic climate either. It's too cold for me, too rainy.

Going to Australia would mean so much. I would be where I feel like I belong, I'm sure. There are many group fitness enthusiasts there, especially since Les Mills is founded there, on New Zealand. I know many people from forums who live there and they all seem like such nice people - an impression I don't often get from Swedish people.
I would never want to return to Sweden. I'd leave my old life all behind me and only bring my belongings and my instructor certificate. Imagine all the gays there, all brimming hot and lovely personalities. Just gotta pick one!

I'd get to attend the filmings for the BODYCOMBAT DVDs, do so many things one can't do in Sweden, bathe in warm climate, explore the wonderful environment of New Zealand, see kangaroos (if I went to Australia), find new friends (Although I doubt they could ever beat my current friends) and so much more. I'd be preening in paradise.

Please...

Scarred

2008-01-30T22:06:00.000+01:00

Woohoo, my first BODYCOMBAT scar! I lost control of my thumb during the Muay Thai today and scratched (or "clawed", after all we're talking BODYCOMBAT here!) my forehead so there's a slight mark there and it started bleeding a little bit. :D

Luckily I wasn't in class, I was down at the gym doing it for myself.

Queer

2008-01-29T18:41:00.000+01:00

Today is a good day. There was a man at our school today, called Claes Schmidt who goes under the alias of Sara Lund too, cause he's a transvestite! He had a 2 hour long lecture about prejudices, norms and how we love to define each other by gender and some other stuff in relation to this. It was VERY interesting and I learned a lot and it also made me think a step further about the world. He was really funny, too, which made him even greater! Big thumbs up for this dude!

Decadence

2008-01-28T21:49:00.000+01:00

There's something building up inside of me, wanting to rip out. I've just had so much hate for so many things today - not even the BODYCOMBAT class was devoid of annoyance because the instructor did a couple of irritating things. I know I probably sound childish and silly when I keep talking about my problems and my "emoish" hate for the world around me but I am truly serious - I don't find much joy lately. It's not a "I want to kill cut myself/commit suicide"-thing, it's a cynical view of a world that once meant a lot to me. I have simply become weary of so much due to the recent realizations. My friends are the only ones that seem to shed a light as of late.

I have to accept these realizations. I am not boyfriend-material because I'm simply one of a kind - and yes, that is a good thing if only other people would like the way I am. I need to stop being so friendly, humorous and witty because I gain nothing but disappointment in return. You know what they say - strong personality equals bad appearance, weak personality equals attractive appearance. I am of the strong personality so I don't get as many chances to prove myself because this world, including me, is shallow. This is not a complaint about myself because I'd rather have a strong personality than to be incredibly stupid, it is a complaint about the shallowness pestering us. I am guilty of it, too, I know how hard it is not to judge by the looks when you come across a person over the internet.

I still wish someone would sweep me off my feet before I lose all hope. Too bad the person I'm interested (by the way, it's just "interested" now) in ain't interested back. I've made my efforts to show my interest in him but if it ain't requited, then why bother?

Fatigue

2008-01-27T19:20:00.000+01:00

I can just see the future in front of me. I'll still be the instructor that works-out several days a week and tones the body and mind and in his spare time spends time with the computer or video games and sometimes with his female friends. My friends will lead a perfectly happy life with somebody to love and maybe kids and/or a great successful job. I'll be the oddball, still. I won't outgrow my humour and somewhat childish behaviour which my friends will have done (at least to a certain extent) and due to my mean, stubborn and snobby nature I won't have what they have - a partner. I am so picky that I will never be able to get together with somebody who I find interesting because that's how it pretty much has always been - I find someone interesting, I show interest and try to make contact, sometimes successfully, but they're never interested in me. It's happened once and I think I was taken by surprise that time, so much that I forgot to judge and really think it over meaning that after some time it hit me that he's really not the one for me and we broke up.

I probably shouldn't complain because one of my dreams have already come true - becoming an instructor - but I think almost everybody wants someone to love that loves you back and I'm no exception. I admit I get jealous when I come across people who are hit on by pretty much everyone because sometimes, I'd like to be that person. The one that gets appreciated and accepted by everyone. The one that constantly gets told he looks good and the one that always has strong self-confidence. I want to look good but I'm afraid my genes aren't of the beautiful nature, I suppose. If I looked good, people would tell me all the time because that's how it is on the internet - if one looks good, then he'll be the one that people constantly hits on.

Every single day that passes me by, I think I forget more and more about the beauty around me. The world can be beautiful sometimes but nowadays it seems so vague in my head; I only focus on the ugly and the negative. I sincerely don't see much hope and happiness any longer - it's all fading. I know I am a very energetic and happy person in real life but my motivation is cut shorter by the day. I have even noticed myself that when I instruct, I am more serious as of late. I have changed my tone of voice a bit. It's a very bad sign. I need someone to save me, someone who can pull me up from the hole I'm falling through. But there ain't one in sight.

The person I have been interested in lately clearly ain't the one cause he's never shown any interest - he never even checks my community profile when it's updated with new pictures and info, so that's like... Yeah, that's a clear sign of showing no interest. In fact, he hasn't visited my page once since I started talking to him. Now it's up to him if he's interested - I ain't saying a word to him until he either shows interest by starting up a conversation or by whatever could mean to show interest.

The world was beautiful during 2007 but it has rapidly withered, at least with these recent events. Is there anyone who can save it?

I'm sick of wasting my time

2008-01-26T15:38:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I find I can't touch the ground
On my own
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but still drown
This life I've outgrown
Sometimes it feels like I'm up but I'm still down
Yes I know
Sometimes, sometimes, there's no one else around
I'm alone

Am I the only one in the world who doesn't drink alcohol? Why is it that I have to be such a fucking fucktard about it? Everybody's drinking! Everybody gets drunk! Everybody gets a hangover! And I happen to be someone who finds it unattractive and I become more saddened for each person that I happen to like that, oh, oops, went and got drunk! I get so depressed everytime a person I'm interested in goes and gets drunk. And guess what, I'm bloody sick of it! It's inevitable. Everybody gets drunk, there's not one person out there that I will ever find that never drinks! What to do about it? Blow my brains out so that the problems cease cause I for sure can't live like this!? Getting sad and down and all fucky everytime it happens sure isn't my way of having fun especially when EVERYBODY I meet will do it, whooopiddddoooo, 60 years of pure depression and whining about not finding someone to love for life! Yeah, yeah, bring it on!

I wish I could learn to not get depressed but I CANNOT! Stupid, crappy mind of mine! Fuck it to hell! I am done with this shit!

Sure feels good

2008-01-26T15:23:00.000+01:00

My legs are so heavy and sore right now. Started off with an energetic and smashing BODYCOMBAT 34 (35% more kicks, mind you) early in the morning and then had a 15 minutes break. I went back into the studio, put on BODYCOMBAT 32 and did the warm-up plus the first combat-track and then I was ready for the kick challenge: 200 Roundhouse kicks each side, without putting the foot down in between. I've done this killer many times before so I knew what I was getting into but I wanted to take it a step further this time. I completed the challenge (It felt easier than usual? Have I gotten more endurable or did I slack a bit? I don't know) and to take it to a step further, I walked out into the gym to pump some more blood into my legs - The hamstrings-machine (Name evades me) and calf-presses (I think this is the name, it works the shins) but I really cranked up the resistance cause I've realized I usually lay off a bit when I'm lifting weights. It was really, really hard but it felt so good afterwards.

I proceeded to do some flies using a machine (chest) with increased resistance, bench presses, flies while lying on a bench and some biceps exercises. My chest was really tight afterwards, I pushed myself harder than ever before and it felt and still feels really good.

Stay with me (unlikely)

2008-01-25T17:17:00.000+01:00

I can't believe it! I've gone and gotten myself a new crush. I finally realize it. And I hate it because when I get a crush, it's a seriously big one and I'll always let it decide how I feel. If I don't get to talk to the person I'll get depressed and I'll be devastated if I notice ANY little indication whatsoever that he is not the smallest bit interested in me as well. When, or if, he writes anything that even by a long-shot could mean he is slightly interested in me, I will go crazy and tell my friends. It's just so typical! I wish I could change the way I act but it's so hard...

I don't want to have a crush on him because he is clearly not interested (remember him with the double messages, sometimes he'd give vibes that he's interested and sometimes not?) and I'm only fooling myself if I think that he is. GOD DAMN IT! I am so sick of this!

As if that wasn't enough, today is stormy and rainy like hell and my shoes are leaking. It rains pretty much everyday and my shoes leak. GREAT, wet socks everytime I put my foot outside the door! And oh, did I say it was blowing outside? GOD DAMN IT, again!

All I really want is for him to tell me he's interested. Or show some interest by flirting or something similar. Please. :(

See me through

2008-01-23T22:16:00.000+01:00

What is it really that sparks an interest in us for another person? Is it their looks? Their voice? Their interests? Could it be their clothes? Or their body language? Maybe it's their humour? Granted, it could also be a combination of many things but what is it really that activates the mechanism inside our bodies that gives us that tickling feeling in our stomach everytime we think of that particular person?
How is it that when you are in love with somebody, you fail to see his or her faults? Is our mind really so naive and narrow that it can become overclouded with love?

I probably sound like an old broken record but could it also be that we simply long for somebody to love that we tell ourselves that we like the person more than we really do and hence, we refuse to see the negative sides? I am guilty of this. Guilty of being so in love that my common sense has been clouded, that I refused to see any faults and even though I was repeatedly being "told" there would be no way him and I could be together, my mind still insisted on being in love. Was this just a result of wanting somebody to love combined with telling myself that I've gotten gay vibes from him and didn't want to accept a "no" as an answer because my brain had decided that it was possible for us to be together, if only he'd admit it to himself? Shouldn't the mind be quite turned off when it's being told off by the one it's interested in? It is the complete opposite of what it wants to hear and it is the call that it needs to stop pumping all those acids or electrons or whatever it is to the stomach that results in the knots and tickles. But yet, sometimes it just won't give up.

So there has to be either something really, really unique about some people or we are really just desperate for someone to hold and love. I don't think that the unique thing really can be so easily described as "he looks good" or "she has great humour" - what about subtle and unnoticeable signals that are only picked up by our subconsciousness? Scents that we emit but that only our subconsciousness can smell? I'm not saying the looks or humour or whatever you want to hit me with ain't PART of the reason why you fell in love, but I think there has to be something more to it. I know there are a couple of flaws to this theory because it's possible to find interest in someone over the internet (but I doubt it could ever be deep, real love until you met each other). But then, could it be that the person reminds of somebody you've previously liked in terms of writing style and perhaps looks? Your mind remembers that once you really liked a person and this new person reminds of him/her, so you expect that they'll be just what you want.

I've come to this conclusion because all three recent interests of mine have written smilies without spaces after a word (a small thing to the naked eye perhaps but here comes the subconsciousness again), sort of like this:P, if you understand?:D The first one of these that I found interest in was the one I was in love with for almost 1,5 years - Jonathan - and I knew him in real life too. Then I found Johan and he wrote in the same way. Their styles were actually very similar to each other. The third one? Same. Even their slang is the same.

I believe this is the subconscious speaking. The mind thinks that just because these other people write like Jonathan and look as good as Jonathan, it tricks itself into thinking that the person behind the screen will be just like him, too, and hence you get a crush on him or her because maybe this time, you'll have a chance.

I have also gotten comments that I seem to think that guys who look young with long and "cute" eyelashes look good. All three of these had these traits, including a fourth one who I just found to look very good. The eyelashes thing is nothing I had ever thought about until someone pointed it out to me.

I think that I will, in my subconsciousness (yeah, yeah I sound really cool using that word but there aren't many synonyms to use), draw comparisons to the original, big love (Jonathan) and will be drawn to people of similar traits to him and the evidence is already here. I used to find it a bit childish and annoying when people wrote smilies without spaces but now it seems I love it because Jonathan used to do it and I had a crush on him.

Worth thinking about. Next time you feel attracted to a person, draw comparisons, even the smallest of details, to the previous one (if it was a big crush/love) and you'll probably see a couple of similarities! ;-)

Free your mind

2008-01-23T20:47:00.000+01:00

Wow, I didn't know I could fall so easily "in love" with people over the internet. I'm always quite the skeptic, always expecting people to not be who they are and that they won't be the same in real life as on the internet. But truthfully, I think I'm there again, at least being quite interested in one person. There's a slight problem, however, that I can't seem to tackle; he gives me strange vibes. Some that says he is interested in me and some that says he isn't. Usually you can tell if a person is interested but this is strange, I get a good mixture of both and I just don't know how to interpret everything. Is he interested in me or are all those "positive" vibes just a friendly and loving side of his?

I hope for the best.

I can't stand it

2008-01-22T15:06:00.000+01:00

Right now I am pissed at Expressen.se's tests/quizzes! I have tried doing three of them and each time it has stopped working near the end of it! It just refuses to load the next question. It's incredibly annoying!!! Fix the sodding site!

Let it hit 'em

2008-01-21T23:55:00.000+01:00

Why do people ask "who are you?" on communities and sites like that?

I have a presentation of myself where it states my age, my sexual orientation (on QX, because it's a community for homo-, trans- and bisexual people), where I live, what I seek (in terms of what people do I seek) and I have written a presentation where I shortly inform how my friends probably would describe me as a person, then I've written about some of my interests plus that I am an instructor in BODYCOMBAT, about my music and finally I have also linked to my blog, to my "bilddagboken.se" site and a YouTube-video where I and two friends recorded a not-so-serious commercial movie once. I have about 5-6 pictures of myself and I am a member of about 20 clubs. Enough, right? No. Cause there's also a little feature called "Show Facts" that one can click and there I have stated:

My origin - I'm north European.
Profession - I'm a student, studying culture/media.
Constitution - 169 cm, athletic, hair
Hair - short cut, brown, untidy
Eyes - blue, no glasses
Facial hair - smooth
Headwear - none
Clothing style - jeans, skater/street, sporty, vest
Openness - everybody knows
Faith - atheist
Child/parenting - want to have child/children, don't want child/children
Personality - romantic, curious, faithful, happy, mischievous, impulsive, intellectual, philosophical, dramatic, mean, crazy, honest, caring, cuddly, kind, adventurous, mature, shy, humble and negligent
Music - pop/rock, hard rock, punk/protest/alternative, techno/house/dance
Forms of art - films/video/dvd, photo, drawing/cartoons
Scenes - film festival, concert/music festival
Nightlife - café, restaurant, pride/festival, cruising, amusement park
Like to do - watch tv/film, travel, surf on the internet, games, sport/athletics, pets, create music, create art, shopping, take walks
Interests - fashion, health, technique/computing, history/archeology, media, design/architecture, language

... AND YET .....

People ask: "who are you?".

I'm speechless.

Angry chair

2008-01-15T14:01:00.000+01:00

I have spoken about this before but I feel it's time to whine about it again.

As I was on the train on the way home from Uddevalla (had been instructing) a couple of days ago, I sat near two teenagers who had brought a laptop with them. On this laptop, they apparently watched some sitcom and knowing teenagers who have no awareness of the world around them, they had the sound turned on. I try to focus on my music only but it's hard when I keep hearing the god damn added laughters to the show. "HAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA" for every single "funny" line said. Sometimes they had thrown in applauses too. Whoopedidoo!

It's just as annoying as a crying baby.

When are teenagers (I write teenagers cause I have yet to see a grown-up person do it) gonna learn to not share their fucking music and other noises when around people?!

I'm alive

2008-01-13T18:49:00.000+01:00

If I have ever felt miserable it's now. I've got the flu complete with sneezing, light headache and feeling weak. As if that wasn't enough, as a result from yesterday's BODYPUMP I have insane soreness in my left bicep (remember what I said about it? the right bicep isn't sore at all!), my triceps, my chest muscles, my shoulders, between my shoulder-blades and in my adductors and quadriceps. I feel so weak I think I'm about to break down! All the sneezing and nose wiping is killing me!

I feel sorry for myself now. :(

On fire

2008-01-12T14:39:00.000+01:00

Sodding hell! I just instructed BODYCOMBAT 34 and afterwards, I decided to stay for the BODYPUMP (64). And I always give 101% in BODYCOMBAT.
Wow. I thought the warm-up was hard, I could barely do all of the shoulder presses cause I was getting such lactic acid already. Amazing. Wow, so how would I be able to get through the rest of the class!? I don't know how I did it. I even had to take my own break in the Chest track cause it was so heavy, my shoulders just gave up so I sat up and stretched a bit and then tortured myself for the rest of the track. CRAZY!

And I never thought the back tracks were particularly hard. But I had to eat those thoughts. BODYCOMBAT 34 is extremely heavy on the shoulder blades and back and I was soooo sore during the track.

Then for triceps, I decided I have to use very little weight. I only used 2,5kg+1kg (each side) on the bar and it was almost too easy but I thought that it would get harder when we repeat the dips, trench presses and the other exercise. But no, the track ended suddenly when it was just getting hard and I'm like: "Oookay, what the hell?" and got quite turned off cause I felt I didn't get anything out of it. Biceps was hard though, but strangely I only felt it in my left bicep? I dunno what I did but my left bicep was giving up but my right bicep hardly felt anything.

Lunge-track was quite hard. I like the backwards stepping ones. :P

Shoulder track was a NIIIIIGHTMARE! Never do BODYCOMBAT before BODYPUMP. I guess I don't have to say any more than that.

Abs was WAY too easy and I did the hover instead of the bar roll. Then I used a 10kg plate but I didn't quite feel it.

Anyway, my legs are sooooooore. Worst part is that in order to get to the train station from the gym, I have to walk up like 50 stair-steps and 2 km of upward slopes (okay, not 2 km but it felt like that). I was about to start crying. Hahahaha. BODYCOMBAT 34 has 35% more kicks too, than previous releases so imagine how my legs feel! :D

In the perfect world...

2008-01-10T22:58:00.001+01:00

Have you ever wondered if a perfect world, an utopia, would work? Imagine there are no crimes committed, no harm, everybody likes each other, everything is free, no racism, no dictatorships, no homophobia, you can get anyone you want, no war, no starving, no disasters... You get the point. I know it would be impossible but let's pretend it was possible and it happened. How would it feel? Would it actually be so perfect as it seems? I think our minds can't imagine how it would be since it's quite inferior (relatively speaking), just as we can't understand infinity. A perfect world, while being everything we wanted, would be quite bland, I think. There would not be much variation and so on. Of course, if it was all perfect, we wouldn't notice, but since it's not all perfect don't you think we would miss all the discussions, the opinions and heated debates? Wouldn't we miss the intrigues, the excitement of finding a new beloved person after a long search, consoling a dear friend and feeling empathic, et cetera?

I'll say no thanks to a perfect world even though I would like some of the stuff I have mentioned. Like being able to get whoever you want. But who wouldn't want that? ;-)

Remember

2008-01-09T17:08:00.000+01:00

Boo.

Long time, no see.

There's really nothing to complain about at the moment (haha) and nothing excessively exciting to tell you. Life moves on like usual, school has opened its doors again and the last couple of months ever are ahead of me now. I will miss these times so much, we've had so much fun during the years and I have gained many new acquaintances and friends. Of course, I will never miss the actual lessons and homework but the people and the fun will be sorely missed.

I just hope I won't lose any of my friends. Sara is going to Germany for some months to pursue one of her dreams (I suppose) and she wouldn't dare to stay in Germany for longer than 9 months, we would miss her so much we would probably start cutting ourselves! I hope the rest of my friends (you know who you are) stays within reasonable reach for as long as possible.

Geesh, I'm speaking as if graduation day was tomorrow. It's still a couple of months away so I'm gonna leave the subject for now.

Yuletide

2007-12-26T03:20:00.001+01:00

Merry Christmas everybody! I hope you got what you wanted and that you had a nice time with friends or family, had lots of food and sweets too, I betcha! I did! And when I worked out today, did BODYCOMBAT 34 for myself down in the gym, I thought everything was coming back up again... It was horrible. I decided to skip the conditioning track because of it. :P Haha! I am a very fit person but man, was that horrible... :D

Merry-go-round

2007-12-26T01:52:00.000+01:00

Choices. Why do choices exist?

I don't know what I should do. I have thought about this and talked some more to Emelie about it (thanks again, honey pot <3) and I think I have to do something about it now. Like talk about it, to him. Tell him what I feel and man, it's so hard. I thought I was gonna cry when it sank into me that I really have to tell him. I'm about to cry now. God damn it! He is next to perfect so why does it have to be like this? He's loving, he's nice, he's cozy. But other than having a loving personality, there isn't much we have in common. He's like the complete opposite of me and I don't think I am able to suck it up.
The biggest issue I have is alcohol consumption - I've never been a fan of alcohol and I can accept if people like to drink, but if I am to be together with somebody I wouldn't like it if he went out every weekend and drank until he couldn't walk straight. Once or twice a month would be totally OK for me (I mean, for my partner), at a moderate amount of booze everytime. Not the teenyboppish "drink 'til you drop"-style. I have a really hard time accepting this, and I know it pisses many people off, friends included, and they think I am being silly, but I had a tough childhood that has led me onto this path and I can't help it. It is a big issue because many people like to drink so I am severely limited in my options.

Another issue that really shows how opposite we are in our life styles is that I love to workout and he mainly likes to just slack and having excess amounts of junk food. It means that lots of fat is gained and other unhealthy conditions have a big chance of striking. I just wouldn't be able to live with somebody who never ever workout and by workout I mean being active at least once a week for minimum one hour - I don't care what it is, be it jogging, skipping, BODYCOMBAT, BODYPUMP, weight training, a sport, treadmill, dancing or whatever! It's just how I am...

He has chosen his life style, I have chosen mine. We all have different goals, demands, priorities, whatnot in life. You just have to find someone with similar goals and style. Believe me, I don't want to leave him because he is so sweet and loving and it hurts me so much that the situation is like it is. Here comes the tears again...

Fuck life!!

Can we do this?

2007-12-22T00:17:00.000+01:00

Good grief! Life is hard when it is complicated! I am completely torn between two things and it reduces me to confusion, sadness... I do not know what I should do. Part of me wants one thing, another part wants the other. I think the bigger part of me wants what would be the wisest choice but as soon as I start thinking of the negatives, it pushes away the positives at least for a while. It is not fair of me to even be in this situation when I deep inside know that I should just go for it!

But if I went for it and then planned ahead, then I think the issue at work would still be there and I would be both annoyed (due to one thing of the problem) and embarrassed, sad, I am not sure how to put it... And what I am asking for to solve this issue is not the nicest of things but it is for the better not only for me, it's just that it is a question of common sense or how to put it... Let us just say it is something you should NOT ask for.

I must send a big "thank you"-hug to Emelie who has been really supportive in this matter. Thank you! <3

Wiser

2007-12-19T17:01:00.000+01:00

Oh, I just remembered... I have forgotten to give you an update on the sweets issues. As a matter of fact, I have reduced the amount of sugar and unnecessary candy going into my belly by a huge amount so now I guess my stomach is a bit happier. To be honest, eating a juicy pear is much more satisfying than having a chocolate bar. And salted, roasted soybeans are also totally awesome instead of buying snacks. The amount of fat gained is much less and more nutrition is gained and I do not want to get fat (I'm perfectly happy with my weight) and it is better for my body, ESPECIALLY considering I work-out a lot so my body needs more of that healthier stuff.

Also keeping McDonald's and pizza amounts low, a set rule: once or twice a month, if at all. The only times I have junk food is when I'm out shopping and since that does not happen all too frequently I do not think I have to worry about getting large amounts of junk food into me belly! I prefer chicken, rice and curry sauce = me happy boy. Some vegetables to that and I'll be preening. When I think about it, taking the time to cook something nice is more satisfactory because it tastes a lot better, it is healthier and it feels a lot better afterwards! I should become a cook, don't ya think?

I used to be the guy who sat in front of the computer all days long (I still do to a certain extent though :P) buying sweets and junk food almost everyday, never working out and it resulted in a not so attractive body, lots of spots, DEPRESSION... Once I started working out and had better food, my body toned to a nice shape, I lost some weight and I felt SO MUCH HAPPIER!

Everyone should heed my advice: Forget junk food, start working out (I don't mean it has to be hardcore, go out and jog two or three times a week for an hour or so each time is sufficient enough) and take the time to cook your own food with plenty of vegetables and nutrition, eat fruit instead of sweets... The results? You will feel MUCH better, lose weight, get a happier stomach and your skin will look better! In the beginning it will feel annoying to have to take the time to cook your food everyday, but once you get into the rhythm (takes maybe 2 weeks, the first 2 weeks is all about heart and devotion) you wouldn't want anything else!

.... And maybe you will join me in BODYCOMBAT! :P

Party people

2007-12-12T23:10:00.000+01:00

So Clubland X-treme Hardcore 4 has been out for a while and my, my what an excellent compilation it is! The previous installment in the series was really bad (except for a few songs) while the two first were freaking awesome and the latest one really is on-par with the them. Volume three was just really weird - it had uninspiring and bland sounds, it wasn't catchy at all. While CXH4 still has SOME of those boring tunes it still has ten times more top choons - the moment I heard Paradise & Dreams by Ultrabeat vs Darren Styles I was HOOKED! It may sound a tiny, wee bit boybandish in the lyrics and vocals but I love it to bits. I adore the lyrics, the vocals and the lead (or melody as some would say)... Excellent and hugely uplifting track!! Shortly after comes Wii Go Crazy by Dougal & Gammer and that tune is BRILLIANT because it samples a 8-bits melody (think 8-bits Nintendo console) and being a fan of such blippy noise I fell in love at once!

Breeze's CD is great, too, especially You & Me (Breeze Mix) by SHM and even though I hate to admit it (since I'm usually not a fan of electronic remakes of old classics), the remake of Bryan Adam's ol' Heaven is bloody great too! But Breeze's mix is a victim of the bad sound of CXH3 thanks to a couple of tracks, a good example being Save The Rave (by Re-Con) - incredibly tedious and horrible track. What is up with Re-Con lately? I used to love his tracks but the last two years he's just been churning out absolutely crap tunes (with the odd exception)... I don't know what he is trying to achieve.

Hixxy's CD is disappointing, only a few good songs on there. Also getting a lot of CXH3 vibes from this CD. Perfect World by Hixxy is saved by the amazing vocals and lyrics, if not for them I would never listen to it. The song works just because I want to hear those vocals, I don't like the lead so much. And then they have butchered Love Comes by throwing out a so called "Version 1.1" of it. The original track is fucking awesome, ESPECIALLY the distorted kick-drum part, but I can't listen to Version 1.1. They even removed the distorted part. Bleh. Just bleh. Well, at least I can still listen to the old version if I want to and I will!

I have also noticed that acoustic and electric guitars have been used frequently in the new tracks of CXH4. What's up with that? Not complaining, I love most of those tracks, but how come? Rock UK Hardcore. :P

Anyhow; weeee for CXH4!

Technicolor rainbow kiss

2007-12-10T23:35:00.000+01:00

Oh I wish it were the 15th. That's when I'll meet my prince charming! I will be so bloody nervous on the way there, christ... But he will be nervous, too. I guess we will have to be on the phone when the train arrives at the station, maybe that will lessen the nervousness? Anyway think we are gonna try that.

Aaah, it will be so awesome, I bet! He is gonna get so many hugs that he'll be catching for breath! Haha!

Come December 15th!

Maybe

2007-12-09T02:19:00.000+01:00

Sigh... I don't know anymore. Not after tonight...

:(

Bullet in the gun

2007-12-06T13:26:00.000+01:00

Bang, you're dead!

What do all these teenagers that go around killing people hope to achieve? Fine, they are angry, they hate the world but what gives them the right to take other peoples' lives just because they don't like humanity? They are so fucked up in their brains, I wonder what their parents are like. What, mom was a prostitute and dad is a fat, horny truck driver whose dick is too small for a condom? They must have some serious issues if they can't raise their kids to not become a victim of misanthropy. If they feel they cannot handle raising a kid then they should put it up for adoption before it gets too old! I know it must be EXTREMELY hard to make that decision but it's for the greater good, you might save human lives. Who wouldn't want to be a hero?

These angry teenagers are just pathetic. What have all those innocent people done to you!? People don't wanna be friends with you? Oh, I wonder why that is... ... ... Geez, maybe because you are a crazed, self-loathing drug addict? It would be unfair to totally bash only the teenagers for who they are, like I said I suspect their parents play a major role in who they are. Sometimes wrong people decide to get kids, but what can you do about it other than pray they are so aware that if they feel they can't handle it, they put it up for adoption?

No matter what, they have no reason to kill other people. Suicide, okay if that makes you feel better, but not other people, you sons of bitches.

(Woah, punchy finale!)

Talk dirty to me

2007-12-04T23:58:00.000+01:00

Oh my gooood, I said the funniest thing (so far) while teaching today! We were doing Paradise City from BC30 and it has several squats, and the last of them are done in the bottom (called "the basement") and in this particular track they're only six. Six in Swedish is "sex" (and yes, it also means the English 'sex') so when I was gonna tell them to do six of them in the basement... I said, translated, "Sex in the basement!" ("Sex i källaren" in Swedish) and man, I quickly realized what I had said when they giggled at me. I burst out laughing and just "Oh man, how did that sound!?" and I was laughing so hard I couldn't teach the slow push-ups after the squats... haha... But I managed to get through the track fine after that but I was still laughing for myself during the rest of the track and a bit of the cooldown. :D Luckily, they were laughing too!

You make me happy

2007-12-02T23:57:00.001+01:00

Oooh... I'm feeling so incredibly good lately, much due to one person and he knows who he is! My little sugarpuff! :D

I will soon get to meet him! It feels like an eternity, does anybody have a time-machine?

Music to my ears

2007-12-02T21:29:00.000+01:00

Lookie, lookie. I have gotten myself a "Top Five Weekly Tracks"-list from last.fm! There you can see how I obsess over certain songs, haha... Enjoy. :P

Shock to the system

2007-11-29T11:25:00.000+01:00

I wonder why there are so few people attending the classes I teach. It could be because I mix too many tracks, but I have said to them to tell me if they don't like it and so far I have only heard positive things. But me mixing tracks cannot be so bad, can it? I always mix the same tracks and I've switched one track at a time (some week I switched two) so they really get a chance to learn the tracks. For example, I have taught Hymn and We Rock for almost 7 weeks now and that's more time than I taught Girlfriend and Run To The Hills. I've still got 3 BC33 tracks in my mix, spread out so they got a chance to coast alternatively give it their all.

It cannot be because I have bad technique, cause I know I don't and the assessment only pointed out small little things, and I have heard numerous times that people think I have a Martial Arts background (which is flattering, considering I do not have one).

I know my choreography inside-out, 110%, and I pre-cue and make it easy for them to follow (and the assessment said this too). So that cannot be the problem either.

Could it be that they do not like my teaching style? I am a bit humorous, self-aware and think I have a really good mix of serious technical cues and fun. I am reminding them of the correct technique many, many times and I show them, too. I vary my teaching with both verbal and visual cues to only visual or only verbal cues.
I do tend to say weird things sometimes but I doubt people would stop coming because I, for example, sometimes say "heel" instead of "elbow".

Maybe it is because I might sound a bit patronizing when I speak (my friends tell me I sound different when I teach)? I have no idea, but I do not think that is the case either because then somebody would have told me, I think. If I do, then I really do not mean to.

I also try to make as much individual contact as possible and when I do, I get smiles back and sometimes they shout! I also correct them individually from time to time, so they shouldn't feel forgotten.

I really cannot put my finger on exactly what is wrong.

Tuesdays are going great and it is Annica's class. She always has over 15 people attending however when I covered her class two days ago there were only 9, 7 of them were regulars, rest were totally new. My Thursdays started out great with 25 - 30 people but after three weeks, the numbers gradually sank lower and lower and then I was down to 7 - 11 people per week. Then came Halloween and I suddenly got 20 people in my class and the class after had 16 people so I thought that I had done it, I had gotten more people to my class. But they kept on sinking. Last week we were 8 I think and today.... NOBODY IS BOOKED! 5 hours left to the class and NOBODY is booked. Wow. That's a huge blow to take. And all the other classes on Thursdays always have over 10 people attending, including today except today I have zero and the rest of the classes have many (I think the one with the least has 12).

It is really depressing. I am trying so hard to be a good instructor and yet, I only feel like I fail. It confuses me that Annica has told me she thinks I am great and she was REALLY enthusiastic about it, I doubt she lied (she filmed the class that was assessed), the GFM at Sportlife said so too and I got my license but yet, it feels like people don't like me... :(

A&E

2007-11-29T11:19:00.000+01:00

It's a bluuue, bright blue Saturday-hey-hey
And the pain's starting to slip away-hey-hey

I'm in a dancing mood and I also feel like singing! Anybody feel like joining in?

Mein herz brennt

2007-11-26T23:06:00.000+01:00

What is going!? Why are there suddenly so many fires around the globe? Earlier this year, there were tons of fires in Greece. Then there was a big fire in California. Just recently there was yet another fire roaming in California. As if those fires weren't enough, there are countless other fires in Sweden. Just the past few weeks; A school in Gothenburg, a building in Borås, another building in Landskrona, a store near where I live (I actually went past it when I was on the bus to Uddevalla, there were tons of firemen and firetrucks there, from four different firestations) and tons of other fires. Is it due to people suddenly getting careless or is it due to something else, like a warmer climate? Could it be due to people feeling like ruining for other people, too?

I suppose fires aren't a new trend, but they sure get a lot of attention lately. It's quite scary... Imagine all of your belongings burning down - all the memories (photos, gifts, etc), all your personal stuff and last but not least - your home! I don't think it would have been easy to handle...

Seventh tree

2007-11-24T01:07:00.000+01:00

Oh, I downloaded the leaked version of the new Goldfrapp album. I'm liking a few of the songs but it sounds really different, but I guess it is because they're not quite mastered yet (the album is scheduled for release in FEBRUARY, so it's quite strange how it has leaked already...). My favourite so far is Road To Somewhere... or Little Bird.

The songs sound so acoustic. I really hope they will get a bit more electric feel to them once they're mastered. Goldfrapp is about electronica in some form or another. Sexy, mellow or deep, melancholy electronica!

Some people

2007-11-24T00:56:00.000+01:00

The writers' strike in USA is really annoying! Heroes is finally picking up again and the last three episodes have been AWESOME, the last one being one of the best ever, and now there will only be a total of two more episodes this season unless a miracle happens! Even though Family Guy's current season is finished writing, Seth (Creator) refuses to produce more episodes until the strike is over, to support the writers. Lost is quite safe, though, luckily!

Why can't they just pay the hard-working writers more and get on with the writing and production!? It's not like they don't have the money to raise their salaries... Sigh.

Takin' over me

2007-11-21T21:08:00.000+01:00

I feel like bursting into a dance or something. Last few days have been so great! I feel like I have been on speed or ecstasy all days long (not that I have ever used drugs but I suppose this is what I would be like with those injected into me)! And everything came as such a surprise, too! I and Emelie are both having a great week, aren't we? Haha....... :D

One of the instructors at the gym I work-out at (not the one I instruct at) called me and said she and the other male instructor would come to my BODYCOMBAT-class tomorrow!!! That was just like the icing on the cake, I went through the roof! It's gonna be so fun, I'm so happy!

This is too much happiness happening! I fear I might burst soon! Muhahaha.... :D

I wish you could tell me that you'll always be around
And I wish that together we could seize the day!

Takin' me higher

2007-11-20T16:40:00.000+01:00

Could it be...? (Open for interpretation)

I have been in an awesome mood today (guess why)! I have driven people nuts because I have been so hyperactive and talked, talked and talked and done so many crazy things. I wonder if people TRULY think I am annoying when I get like that. I never mean any harm or mean to be annoying, I am just having fun and being in a wicked mood. Whether or not people like it is another story.

But I suppose that this will soon come to an end. Just my luck, like I have said a thousand times before, but I know how things turn out for me... Always the same.

Anyway, I will soon get my assessment from Les Mills regarding my video! I hope they can overlook a couple of things and that they will let me pass and give me my license! I deserve it so fork it over! Haha...

Something inside so strong

2007-11-18T18:24:00.000+01:00

Woohoo. It's been 8 days since I've had any sweets or chocolate! I'm just too good! The only junk I've had is two chocolate donuts and two "kexchoklad" (what is that in English, anyway? Chocolate biscuit? But that doesn't sound right...) spread out during the 8 days.

Mission accomplished so far.

But tonight, I'm gonna go buy a little something. :-) But that's okay, I've still got 1 "bigger amount of candy"-day left and this week I ain't gonna use them both!

Another one bites the dust!

2007-11-17T23:22:00.000+01:00

Haha, today, another participant walked up to me and said she nearly threw up cause it was so hard!!! I must have chosen a sickly hard mix, hahaha.... I wonder if I should be proud or if I might have too hard songs? :D I did:

01. Stuck On You (23)
02. Everybody's Screaming!!! (33)
03. Come With Me (28)
04. Push It Again (28)
05. Hymn (28)
06. Behind The Cow (33)
07. We Rock (31)
08. U R My Phantasy (33)
09. Paradise City (30)
10. Vienna (33)

I know for a fact that tracks 3 - 5 of 28 are really, really hard, at least when I do them.

Dream to me

2007-11-17T23:14:00.000+01:00

Oh, I want this to turn out good! Please, please, please!

I will be

2007-11-16T22:45:00.000+01:00

Lately... Something has happened. I don't wanna go into details too early or before I know everything, but it feels great and I hope I'm lucky this time! But knowing my usual luck, it won't turn out positively so I guess it'll be hello to square one again soon... I'm holding my breath!

The roof is on fire!

2007-11-15T20:16:00.000+01:00

Instructing BODYCOMBAT at Sportlife is so INCREDIBLY fun. The regulars are so damned uplifting - they're always smiling, listening to cues and corrects themselves, they shout out loud and they put power in their moves! It makes me so happy! As I sat on the bus on my way home today, I suddenly got a huge smile on my face while thinking back of the class - they told me they had a great time and one of them walked up to me and said she was absolutely smashed, that she almost threw up during class! Do you know how awesome it is to hear this from your participants!? It makes you feel special, that you really make your participants work hard and have fun and it is extremely encouraging! When you hear responses during class like everybody screaming "yes!!!", smiling or chuckling or the occasional "huah!" it really makes the hour magical! And them panting after hard tracks, catching their breaths, is a small little detail that sends the signal that they got what they came for - hard work! It's so amazing!

I've also taught a couple of special classes for a group of girls the last month. That, however, is not fun. I don't mean to be rude or mean but they don't listen to my cues, they don't make any noise, they talk to each other mid-track, sometimes they're just fooling around making fun of stuff and they don't add any power. It's really discouraging. And last time one of them even said to me: "Hey, can't we do 30 mins of Combat and then let us go down to the gym?". That was just plain rude. It was EXTREMELY discouraging to hear and it was 10 minutes before the class had started. I lost all my motivation to put all my energy in the teaching when I taught the last class for them... I tried but it just didn't click, I just wanted to get through it. Not to single her out but she's also one of the worst ones - that don't add power, sighs during tracks and plays around and hardly listens to cues. Luckily, I don't have to teach any of those classes again for a long while.

But I have my Thursday class and the occasional Saturday class that makes me love teaching even more for each time! A big thanks and hug to those people, should they ever read this (they won't but... :P)!

:)

Ice

2007-11-14T23:55:00.000+01:00

Hahaha... It's so slippery outside now, with the snow and all, and people slide around like they were ice skating and it is so hard not to laugh. Today, while I was walking home from the barbershop, I saw a guy on a bike passing me when I heard a thud and when I looked behind me he lies on the ground with the bike over him. I quickly turned my head forward and tried to avoid laughing, I did all sorts of crazy things like pretend I was picking my lips but I couldn't help but have this HUGE grin on my face because I didn't want to burst out laughing. I just kept walking.

Then, when I'm almost home, I see an elderly man walking in front of me and he slides forward half a meter all of a sudden... Had to avoid bursting into laughter there too! :D

I have had my fair share of sliding, too. Haha. It's hilarious, really.

Worlds apart

2007-11-11T01:35:00.000+01:00

I'm telling the truth now: I think I am getting over Jonathan. At least that is what my mind has decided and whether my heart wants to follow or not is another story (pardon the poetic vibes). And I think I am getting on his nerves now, so as I am still sane and know it ain't ever gonna lead anywhere I am going to have to draw a line. There are other people out there. Just gotta find them. It would be the best for us both - at least the best for me, doubt he really cares.

Coming to think of it, I don't see how we could ever lead a life together anyway in terms of personality, humour and et cetera. He doesn't share my somewhat low, dry, perversive and mean humor and whenever we talk it is like one really has to sit and think for an hour about what to talk about - it doesn't come naturally, like with most other people. I don't think we've ever small-talked and I can do that with everybody else... except him; except the one that really is quite similar to me. I'm not gonna get into extreme detail here but there are lots of funny trivia. For example, I share the name of one of his brothers. I've always liked the name Jonathan and in first grade of high school we wrote an essay about names (this was before I "noticed" him) and I wrote that if I were to choose a different name for myself I'd pick Jonathan and one of my kids would be named as another of his brothers. If my little sister had been a boy instead, she (or would that be he?) would be called Jonathan. Nice coincidences? And we're both left-handed. :P Lots of that trivial stuff to be known.

I am gonna have to put all that to rest but there is no denying there are many interesting coincidences between us. There is no point in ever hoping there could be something because he has made it quite clear. I am not going to deny that he looks very, very good though, so that is something he will always hear (unless he does something drastic). Haha...

I wonder if I truly let him go out of my heart (excuse the poeticism (new word) again) will our conversations loosen up? Or are we just really not meant to be talking much? Or is it just because I'm so outrageously weird to talk to? I wish I could help the fact that I must explain things to people in detail or that I talk a lot or that I have this random humour. Sometimes it is like talking to one of my walls while talking to him, or should I say he seems bored of me, and that is never a good sign. Should I take the hint and shut the fuck up next time? Next time I will talk to myself instead... At least then I will get an answer and one that I like, too.

Dog new tricks

2007-11-11T01:30:00.000+01:00

Okay. I really need to get out of this awfully bad habit of mine. I need to stop eating so much junk! I eat chocolate and candy in massive amounts almost everyday now. It's not good for my teeth and my body (although I don't become fat even though I should considering the amounts) and it's certainly not good for my wallet.

I know all the promises people make but I'm gonna make it. No candy or chocolate more than twice a week. And in moderate amounts.

I'm gonna write here everytime I eat that junk and if it exceeds twice a week then I'm gonna punish myself by listening to Mika.

Starting from now.

(I'm actually confident I'll make it, it shouldn't be that hard.)

Touch the sky

2007-11-10T20:21:00.000+01:00

Oh, I've gotten tons of compliments from the GFM and the other BC-instructor at Sportlife! It makes me so happy! The GFM has assessed me and said I was great and that there was not much to work on. Like: I needed to work more on keeping my guard up (sometimes it drops and the roundhouse-guard is a bit lame sometimes :P) and vary my vocabulary a bit more.

I filmed again last class and the other instructor was there to film for me and afterwards she said something like: "Fantastic class! You have really improved since the beginning! I can't think of anything you need to work on, perhaps your guard and so but it's nothing really important!". I was shining when she said that and it made my entire evening, I was in such good spirits! And she's a good friend of one of the Swedish trainers (my trainer, in fact) too, and has been doing her classes for a couple of years so I think she knows what a fantastic class is.

/Brag off. Enjoy the funny picture. :P

Bom bom suenan

2007-11-06T21:07:00.000+01:00

Okay, I just taught the weirdest BODYCOMBAT class ever. I had planned to do a favourite tracks-mix and the warm-up I had chosen was the one from BC27. So when I put the CD in the player, it turns out it won't play that particular track. Great. So I decide to do the warm-up from BC25 instead. So we start and I am off-beat tons of times and it feels awkward. Guess what happens next. The damn player fucks up and only the bass is heard. The mic died too. In the middle of the lower body warm-up! So we restart the player and it works again so I fast-forward to where we were.

Then track 2 starts. After 30 seconds it dies again. Grrr. So we think it's because the CD was burnt and I try switching CDs to the only "real" CD I have - BC32, where track 2 is School's Out. I demo the most complicated move and start the track. It all goes fine for the first minute and then it dies again. God damn it! We give up and one of them (one of the two GFMs (Group Fitness Manager)) goes to the nearby room to pick up a stereo and plugs it in and it works! But I have to teach the entire class bar the warm-up and man, my voice died more and more after each track... After the class, I had severe difficulties speaking properly and I pray that my voice is working fine on Thursday, the day I have my next class.

I do not recommend teaching a class without a mic. Ouchie.

I'm the "fuck you"-man

2007-11-06T00:01:00.000+01:00

I hate people who love to share their music in public places. It's on-par with the annoyance of little whiny, bitchy 3-years old kids. Whatever happened to respect? I don't want to hear their crappy emo or rap music bursting out of their oh-so-expensive cellphones especially not if I'm listening to music myself, in my HEADPHONES! You heard it! Headphones! It means I do not disturb anyone and I pay respect to my fellow species who might not want to be bothered by my hardcore or metal music. I wish teenyboppers, immigrants and emos would share the same common sense but apparently they do not. I also wish whiny kids to be banned from ever setting foot on a bus or train. They're so annoying! Wuaaah, wuuaaaah and they don't give up, those mischievous bastards! Ban them, I say, and anybody who dares to play their music loud in such places are worthy of a kick to the groin!

It's painful enough to look at an emo, that god awful hair and those clothes are sore to the eye so why torture me more by forcing me to hear My Chemical Romance or Taking Back Sunday too!? Those kids are gonna look back at themselves five years from now and they're gonna wonder why the fuck they dressed and looked like they do now. Hopefully then, they'll gain the common sense, too.

Tough love

2007-11-01T02:14:00.001+01:00

I seriously wonder why the hell unrequited love was invented. There is no logic behind it unless torture counts. Sure, in a sense it's fun to have a crush on somebody especially in the beginning. However, when it continues on for over 1½ year it becomes tedious, bothersome and fucking painful. If I had had a choice I would never have fallen in love with Jonathan. In fact, I would never have fallen in love with anybody because so far I've only had crushes (I'll call all those other crushes because they were never as deep as this one) on several people and they've all been straight... except for Kjell, but things got fucked up and it never led anywhere and now he is not interested anymore. I guess it's the story of my life.

I just want to forget about Jonathan! I want to see him only as my friend, I don't want to have feelings for him. Why is it that my body keeps insisting on being in love with him? It's fucking ridiculous!

Just rewards

2007-10-30T01:05:00.000+01:00

The world never ceases to amaze me.

Frequently, you hear about the odd person biting the dust by getting hit by a train. Every single time I wonder how incredibly stupid the person must be. There is absolutely no excuse for getting hit by a train - if it is by accident, that is. Okay, there is one excuse: you are blind. But none of these people getting hit nowadays are blind and if they are then they are excluded anyway.
You are able to actually see the train coming, it does not come at the speed of light (some trains move very fast though but you are still able to both hear and see it) and if the people gotten hit had bothered to look (which seems to me like common sense) around before crossing the tracks, the accident would never have happened. The train even horns if it is out on the country (where it moves at highest speed) and if it's in the middle of a city it will slow down so you are very much able to see it beforehand. I just cannot imagine how it is possible to get hit by a sodding train (unless you are committing suicide but that is fucking selfish - think of the driver, you will put him in incredible shock, maybe even ruin his life because you're selfish and ain't got the guts to hang or shoot yourself however you are still selfish because of all your friends and family that you leave behind, wrecked and shocked).

I am serious when I say that I have no sympathy for the people getting run over by trains. It is their own fault. Even if they die, they could have prevented it by logical means. It's a fact. That does not mean I think it is right that they die, because nobody deserves to die but it is still a very dumb way to die.

You're welcome

2007-10-27T16:48:00.000+02:00

I saw a little boy on a bike in front of me on the way home today and he was holding an ice cream in his hand. He was tiny and so was his bike. I kept imagining he would drop the ice cream cause the boy on a bike plus an ice cream didn't look so smooth. I just waited for the moment he would drop the ice cream but it never came. I actually chuckled for a second, walking, imagining him being so disappointed by dropping it. Had he actually dropped the thing I'd burst out laughing, mostly due to the fact I kept imagining it.

:)

Some assembly required

2007-10-25T21:13:00.000+02:00

One of my teachers yesterday got on my nerves. We had agreed upon meeting at 12.05 so I could borrow the camera and shoot Oscar (Seven sins project - he's Wrath). I wait outside the office at 12.05 and I wait... And wait... And wait... 12.30 she opens the door to a classroom and just says "hi" and tells us (me and Maria) there are a couple of students here from another school. I tell her "I've waited here 25 minutes for you..." and she replies: "Oh." ... I tell her I need to borrow the camera and she says something I can't hear and walks back into the classroom to those two students and acts as if I never said I needed to borrow the camera and as if she didn't leave me waiting for 25 minutes. I feel myself losing my temper so I say in a bit of an annoyed tone: "Oscar is waiting for, I need to borrow the camera now!" and she goes: "Oh yeah, right." She then walks into the office and hands me the camera. Wow. Finally. And she didn't even apologize, not only did she make me wait, she made Oscar wait too.

Disrespectful...

I'll be happy til the day I die

2007-10-22T23:24:00.000+02:00

There was a time when I'd sit in front of the computer, late at night, listening to the happiest songs I've ever heard and almost crying because of the happiness I felt. I'd listen to a selected few songs every night and just felt like exploding. I felt so in love, I felt so happy when listening to those songs. I'd pump up the volume in my headphones and just feel the synthesizers and bass drift through every vein in my body. Such a rush!

The songs were hardcore. Hardcore can just be so happy sometimes. Shallow music, you say? I've actually tried making this kind of music and it's much harder than making a song with instruments. You have to filter everything, you have to come up with a nice melody (much harder than it sounds), you have to play with the frequencies and the equalizers for every little sound. You also have to work on breakdowns, build-ups and breaks. It's not a simple thing. I've tried making a non-electronic song and found it much easier. It's just not as hard. So saying one can just grab a software and make techno music... well... No. You can't. Well, you can make sounds but you cannot make a great tune out of it if you don't tweak it right.

It's hard to describe how happy the choons made me. I'd just sit there, with a huge smile on my face and being extremely hyper. Wow. But I'm afraid of doing it again because part of the happiness was due to being so in love with Jonathan and then the tunes would amplify the feelings. That was actually before I really got to know him (like adding him on MSN) and I've learnt my lesson lately to not go into those moods because I will just be so depressed the second it ends. I know now that he is not interested and never will be (but I've actually heard stories on QX that it's possible to turn a straight person or at least make him spend the night with you, if you know what I mean, but I lack the charisma to persuade him or anyone else for that matter, I can't even get a gay person interested in me) so I am trying not to think about him.

Progress? Doing well so far. I still have my tendencies, like always when I check my friends-list on Bilddagboken.se I will check his status and a couple of other tendencies regarding him. I try not to but I can't help myself and I hate myself everytime I do it. But I've actually managed to think about him without feeling butterflies in my stomach (only because I persuade myself that I'm not in love with him :P). I'm trying my best. It's not really an easy thing - to fight your own feelings.

If anybody is interested (I doubt it though, the only person I guess reading my blog is Sara and she hates that kind of music (oh, and Emelie but she probably hates it too!)) here are the happy, happy tunes I listened to during those nights:

Eclipse - Be Happy (Brisk & Vagabond Remix)
Flip 'n' Fill - Field Of Dreams (Hixxy Remix)
Ham, Demo & Justin Time - Here I Am (Ham's 2005 Remix)

Folie à plusieurs

2007-10-21T23:38:00.000+02:00

I don't understand religious people (especially Christians). No offence to them as individuals but their beliefs and sometimes behaviour are freaky and in a fashion: scary. All their talk about god (look, I write that with a lower case 'g', how rioting of me) is just plain, downright freaky! They say he (lower case again, I'm in trouble now, ain't I) is almighty and that everybody should follow his set of rules? That homosexuals shouldn't 'be', that it's a sin to do this and that and that everybody should bow down to him. If that isn't fascism, then I don't know what is. The people who made god up and wrote down all the things in the Bible must have been power greedy lunatics! I wouldn't wanna meet them. I don't understand how anybody is willing to accept what the Bible says is required of them!

Worse is how they try to force their beliefs on other people. According to them, "god damn" is blasphemy and they require the word to be censored if used publicly. Okay, so if that is to be censored then can we censor everything they say about god too? I don't wanna hear it, I find it offending to be taught that god doesn't like me being homosexual or that homosexual people aren't allowed to get legally married. If I argue against a Christian person regarding that subject then I will get a shitload of citations from the Bible thrown at me, get told that I will go to hell and yada, yada, yada. Enough already! If they don't want us to use "the Lord's" name in vain situations such as "god damn" then I demand they stop their bullshit and keep their mouth in public shut about god and the Bible. Fair enough? Oh, oh, and I want to be able to get legally married. I'm not really interested in getting married but everybody should have the same rights.

Okay, not all Christians are like this, but a part of them are. I have no problem with them as individual people but if they start talking about god using spooky language as "It's the Lord's will that I do this" then I will wince and take a step away from them. It's scary stuff, yo?

Biogenesis

2007-10-20T20:20:00.000+02:00

It began with an act of supreme violence - a big bang expanding ever outward, cosmos born of matter and gas, matter and gas ten billion years ago. Whose idea was this? Who had the audacity for such invention? And the reason? Were we part of that plan ten billion years ago? Are we born only to die? To be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth before giving way to our generations? If there is a beginning, must there be an end? We burn like fires in our time only to be extinguished. To surrender to the elements' eternal reclaim. Matter and gas... will this all end one day? Life no longer passing to life, the Earth left barren like the stars above, like the cosmos. Will the hand that lit the flame let it burn down? Let it burn out? Could we, too, become extinct? Or if this fire of life living inside us is meant to go on, who decides? Who tends the flames? Can he reignite the spark even as it grows cold and weak?

From space, it seems an abstraction - a magician's trick on a darkened stage. And from this distance one might never imagine that it is alive. It first appeared in the sea almost four billion years ago in the form of single-celled life. In an explosion of life spanning millions of years, nature's first multicellular organisms began to multiply... and then it stopped. 440 million years ago, a great mass extinction would kill off nearly every species on the planet leaving the vast oceans decimated and empty. Slowly, plants began to evolve, then insects, only to be wiped out in the second great mass extinction upon the Earth. The cycle repeated again and again. Reptiles emerging, independent of the sea only to be killed off. Then dinosaurs, struggling to life along with the first birds, fish, and flowering plants - their decimations Earth's fourth and fifth great extinctions. Only 100,000 years ago, Homo Sapiens appear - man. From cave paintings to the bible to Columbus and Apollo 11, we have been a tireless force upon the earth and off cataloguing the natural world as it unfolds to us. Rising to a world population of over five billion people all descended from that original single cell, that first spark of life. But for all our knowledge, what no one can say for certain, is what or who ignited that original spark. Is there a plan, a purpose or a reason to our existence? Will we pass, as those before us, into oblivion, into the sixth extinction that scientists warn is already in progress?

- The X-Files, S06E22.

Happy anniversary

2007-10-20T13:03:00.000+02:00

Went over to Amanda's house yesterday and celebrated her 18th birthday!! We had dinner with champagne, gave her presents and played a board game - Mr. Bean! Haha.. Crazy! But it was great fun!!

Before that, I and Sara went to a shopping center and I bought a new hooded shirt and a present for Amanda. :)

Breathless

2007-10-18T20:17:00.000+02:00

Hahahaaa, today's BODYCOMBAT at Sportlife was amazing! I said I was going to switch 'Girlfriend' with 'Hymn' (BC28), right? I did and when the track was over, I heard one of them say "oh my god!" and they were all panting! Then I asked if they had any energy left and they said "no!" and kept gasping for air!!!! That was so awesome!!! :D

If they're not working hard enough, trust 'Hymn' to teach them a lesson!

I also got an "invitation" today from Linda at Sportlife, asking if I could teach a special BODYCOMBAT-class for her handball-team next Tuesday and Tuesday in two weeks! It sounds like it will be fun, so I said sure and now I'm looking forward to it. I think I'm gonna teach BC33 but switch 'Girlfriend' with 'Hymn' and 'Run To The Hills' with 'So What!' (BC27). Might switch the fourth track too, with 'Rock Me Amadeus' (BC30) due to it being easier for them to grasp the evasive side-kick. We'll see.

Existence

2007-10-17T21:42:00.000+02:00

Isn't the mind's eye a strange and peculiar thing? How is it possible to produce an image in your head, that can look so real? How does it work? I don't know what is stranger - the fact one can create an image or that we are able to see the image not with our eyes but within our minds. It is possible to look at an object with your eyes and at the same time see something else inside your brain, but the image you see in the brain does not cloud the actual thing you see. Think about it. Why can we even see an image that is not perceived by our eyes? How does the actual brain manage to put together an image that we have never seen in our life but yet it looks so real? Example: I picture Sara's body but with an elephant head. In my head, it looks flawless but I've never ever seen an elephant's head on Sara's body nor will I ever do it (unless I take some ecstasy I guess). So how does my brain know how it will look then, how can I even THINK how it would look? I guess it all comes down to imagination but the questions still remain... It's the same with hearing somebody speak in your head - you can make a person say whatever dirty stuff to you (I've tried, hahaaaa, busted!) but you've never heard the person say some of those words, yet you can imagine it perfectly in your head!

It's so amazing what the human body can do. Why do I sometimes feel knots in my stomach when I think of Jonathan (I suppose the easy answer is the body releases a fluid, triggered by the thought of someone you're having a crush on, but I'm digging even deeper than that; how is this fluid created? Why does the fluid create this feeling? Why in the stomach?)? Why can we feel happiness, sadness (again with the fluids; again with the questions) and so forth?

I wonder how the human body was created. Don't give me the usual theories (they're crap anyway) because how does a brain, a heart and all the other organs just materialize and then into one perfectly functioning individual? And how was the universe created? There had to be something before the first thing (the universe?) was created, right? So if there was something before the first thing was created, then the first thing wasn't the first thing, correct? How did this thing before the first thing appear then? It had to come from something too. What was the thing before the thing before the first thing? I could go on forever. Something can't just be by the snap of a finger. There has to be something before the very first thing but if we go by that logic then there could never be a first thing. The universe couldn't just have appeared! Doesn't it make you dizzy just thinking about it?! It sure does my head in...

I wonder, will we ever figure it out?

Snap!

2007-10-17T20:14:00.000+02:00

Oh, I photographed Rebecca today for my project in school, along with Emma and Johan. She got 'envy' (one of the seven deadly sins) and it went great! I think I got many awesome pictures however I can't transfer them to my computer because the person who last borrowed the camera didn't return the USB-cable... So I will have to wait until tomorrow.

Thanks for the photos, Hixxy! Outstanding model, I think those 'normal' shots will be really, really good! We'll have to wait and see, don't we. :)

Ascension

2007-10-16T22:11:00.001+02:00

What a mighty wicked world we live in, eh. I mean, it's totally out of control. There is the climate issue and what do people do to help? Fucking nothing. They litter the streets and they're so lazy that they take the car instead of walking, taking the bike or bus. I guess what irritates me most is the sodding littering. Come on, knock it off! Not only is it harmful to our planet but it is also unnecessary work for the people who have to pick it up after YOU. If you know you can't handle hanging onto a little plastic wrapping or a bottle then I wonder how you handle consuming it. It has to be, physically, more demanding to actually remove the, for example, wrapping, move the candy bar to your mouth with your hand and arm, open your mouth, stick it in and bite off a chunk and then chew it. Repeat the process as needed. Compare that to actually putting the weightless plastic in your pocket or keeping it in your hand until you reach a trash bin. Think about the way that you live today or I swear you will pay the price sooner or later. Not only because of you but because there are millions of other people like you and you all play an equal part in corrupting nature. It isn't much to ask for, is it?

There's this guy at the gym I instruct at. He lives five (5!) minutes by foot from the gym and he openly admits that he takes the car or his moped everyday. Give me a break! He also says that he isn't lazy, because he works-out a lot at the gym. Okay, what the hell? That isn't my point. The point is that if only he could use his feet to either walk or bike there, he would do our planet a small favor.
But I guess that's what a driver's license does to you. It makes you lazy. Before you would walk those five minutes but now that you're eligible to drive a car you think: Ah what the hell, I might as well take the car! and not only does that makes you lazy, but you contribute to corrupting the planet. Mother Nature would like to thank you for your co-operation!

Now, I am not perfect but I do my very best to ensure I do as little harm as possible. I always hold onto trash, I can hold on to it for hours if that's what it takes (and I have actually done that a couple of times... sometimes I've even forgotten about the plastic in my hand so I've walked around with it for ages, haha...) and I've decided I don't want a driver's license yet because I'm very confident that will make me lazy too. I don't want to fall into that trap. I love to walk and I will continue to do it for as long as I can. If I need to get somewhere, I'll take the bus or the train. On rare occasions I will ask my dad for a ride but that's pretty much only if it's an emergency. I'm not ashamed to say this; If people were more like me regarding these issues, the world would be a better place.

But knowing human nature, this will never change. We will continue to litter and destroy the planet until the end of time and we will all have to suffer the consequences. We have only ourselves to thank.

Oops!

2007-10-16T21:00:00.000+02:00

Anybody can write a comment now! I had put it on "Only logged in" for some reason but now everybody can!

Just accept it

2007-10-16T17:38:00.001+02:00

Heh, it feels a bit better about Jonathan now, actually. We talked a bit about it and it was really needed, I tell you. I got to explain things, he really made it clear there's a snowball's chance in hell that it would ever lead anywhere beyond 'friends'. I think I really needed to hear it directly from him instead of just having these assumptions. I was terrified that I had ruined our friendship and I was so ashamed of myself. I was really, really ashamed because of how he felt about me writing those things about him. I felt like a dog that had done something inappropriate.

Anyway, he said it was fine and that I hadn't ruined the friendship. It made me feel better. In fact, I think the very much needed confirmation that it won't lead anywhere has finally made every part of me realize that it is actually true and it's time to let it go now. I'm working on it... But it's probably gonna take some time.

The big sleep

2007-10-16T12:18:00.000+02:00

I did not just skip today's first two classes... /whistles innocently.

I was tired, okay! :D But, but I am going to school now! In a few minutes! Promise!

Check your head

2007-10-15T20:33:00.000+02:00

NEW LINK!!! I put the wrong link first!

http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21598,22492511-5005375,00.html

Freaky stuff!!! I couldn't get it to move counter-clockwise, it only moved clockwise for me. I linked it to Daniel and he said he could only get it to move counter-clockwise, haha. So according to that thing I use my right part of my brain more than the left, but looking at the list I actually believe I use the left one more.

Right between the eyes

2007-10-15T19:43:00.000+02:00

Wouldn't you guess the oh so perfect day turned out to be quite irritating? Okay so I get ready to go to the gym for BODYCOMBAT, alright? I figured I'd take the bus because the weather was quite bad, however I am all done a bit too late so I have to hurry and when I get to the bus stop I have 1 minute to spare. Wow!
There comes this girl who wanders into the bus stop "hub" (for lack of a better term, can't be arsed looking it up) and almost pushes me as she bursts down onto the seat. Ooookay. As I stand there and wait (the bus is late) she decides to light a cigarette. Oh, thank you, Miss. She's sitting like 20 cm from me and lights a fucking smoke. Disrespectful like nothing else. So I clearly show her how I feel by going away, standing a couple of meters away from her and then in front of me comes another woman with two kids, and the woman happens to be smoking. So yet again, I get to inhale even more smoke. Poor kids. This woman looked like a whore. No offence but she had green eyeshadow on the (from my view) right eye and brown eyeshadow on the other eye. I wonder how she got those kids...

8 freaking minutes late is the buss! And since the BODYCOMBAT class starts at 5:30 PM and the bus is supposed to arrive there at the stop at 5:03 PM you can tell I get a bit stressed. I get on the bus and guess what! The driver is some woman who apparently doesn't realize she's almost 10 minutes late. I think I could have walked faster than she was driving! I almost felt like going up to her to tell her to STEP ON THE GAS!!

Whoopidoo, I arrive at the gym 6 minutes prior to the start of the BODYCOMBAT class. Yay! Well, at least I made it. The class was great, thanks Unni for teaching another awesome class! :)

School hard

2007-10-15T14:24:00.001+02:00

Oh, today is a great day! I've only got two classes on Mondays, the first starting at noon. We were told last week that the first one would be canceled today, so I would start at 1:45 PM. Anyway, I drag my feet to school with some new track that I downloaded yesterday pumping in my ears and notice I am a wee bit late (as usual, in other words :P) and when I'm outside the classroom I meet Zana and she tells me the teacher is home, taking care of his sick kid, which means this class is also canceled. Yay, a day off, sorta!

I need a stylist... badly. I am not particularly good at making my hair look cool. :(

Special delivery

2007-10-14T16:48:00.001+02:00

I just learned that my oldest sister is pregnant! Woohoo! I'm going to be an uncle! :P Pretty weird that my little sister told me and not the actual pregnant sister (who lives in London)...

Mundian to bach ke

2007-10-14T11:05:00.000+02:00

BODYCOMBAT 33 is going good. I think the participants like it very much and I do, too, except for tracks 5 and 7. Next week I'll probably switch track 5 ('Girlfriend', it's way too easy) with 'Hymn' from BODYCOMBAT 28! The hardest track 5 ever, in my opinion. It's so simple but so exhausting!
Generally, I would wait 6 weeks or so before mixing but it feels like I've taught it for an eternity already. But I feel 'Girlfriend' is too easy so it needs to go!

Then in a couple of weeks, I will probably switch 'Run To The Hills' (track 7) too. And track 4 with 'Rock Me Amadeus' (so they can practice those jump kicks that come in BODYCOMBAT 34, since the class hasn't done any jump kicks yet (the gym launched BODYCOMBAT on release 32, which had no jump kicks either)).

Crash

2007-10-14T09:55:00.000+02:00

I can't do it. No matter what I try, no matter how hard I try; it is impossible and god knows (though I doubt he exists) it wrecks me. If I had control over my own feelings and most importantly: sexuality, then my life wouldn't be like this. Seriously, unrequited love should be considered a method of torture because I am ready to rip my guts out to end the butterflies in my stomach, to end the constant depression and to rid of the false hopes and feelings. It is one of the worst things I have experienced in my short, hell of a life.

EVERY SINGLE DAY I have to endure the god damn knots in my stomach. There was this time when I thought my feelings for him [Jonathan] had come to an end; I forced myself to not talk to him and it worked wonders, I actually felt better! After a while I needed models for a project in school and since he's really nice and soft I immediately thought that Jonathan (and a couple others, but this is about him) should be one of them, that he would be easy to work with so I started up a conversation on MSN for the first time in weeks and started explaining and then asked him if he was interested. Jonathan approved. That was awesome.

The coming weeks we talked a bit more again and I started feeling in love again. I was terrified, I just wanted to hideaway and cry and forget about everything in my life. Not again! Then came the day we had the photo shoot and he modeled for "Gluttony" (seven deadly sins, ya know) and that was so cool! I was right; he was really easy to work with. And he's cute as ever (but I gotta say the camera I had made him look a couple of years younger which was a bit of a shame). I snapped the pictures I needed and we hung out a while. Great day, really awesome! I didn't really feel anything that day other than those "friend"-feelings, yeah?

But the day after. Man. A nice description: Imagine a car crashing into a huge truck. The car is totaled. As if that was enough, there comes a buss and crashes into the rear of the car (what's left of it, anyway). I am that car.

The day after was his birthday and I saw him in the corridor and went up to hug him (I always hug people on their birthdays, don't think I did it only because it was him, but to tell you the truth: I had thought about it just because it was him and pondered whether or not it would be appropriate to do it, considering the circumstances (he knows I'm _in love_ with him)) and I felt extremely silly the following 5 minutes. I just wanted to fade away. But it felt better later.

Then yesterday, there was this party... Lots of people, including him. And all I could think about was how miserable it is that he is this fucking nice guy that looks great but IS NOT IN THE VERY LEAST GAY IN ANY SENSE OF THE WORDS! That is just not fair.
And it's not fair to him either, that he hurts me by just existing. He can't do anything about it and I don't know if he cares or thinks about it, but if he does he should know that he doesn't have to feel bad about it cause it's nothing he is in control of. He can't help it that I'm gay, he can't help it that he's not gay and he can certainly not help it that I'm having the biggest crush of the millennium on him. I actually almost felt like crying when I wrote this, I feel so sorry for him and I hate the situation more than he does. I wish him and I could be just friends, without my feelings for him. But it's funny, I don't feel in love with him when he hang - it usually comes afterwards.

Help.